laugh-o
The Comedy Corporation
About Me
- Name: starkweather
- Location: Los Angeles, California, United States
Sunday, July 05, 2009
One more thing that bothers me wherever I see it and is absolutely a form of stupidity if not outright racism in itself: Aliens did not build the fucking pyramids, the Egyptians did! I realize that reading is probably as much anathema to Michael Bay as it is to his robo-buffoons, but please, Mister, please just read a fucking book. Culture did not just appear out of the sky in 4,000 BCE. The defining attribute of the species Homo Sapiens is that we are able to link our little societies and villages and tribes into a larger patchwork of communication and idea-sharing than any other animals on the planet. Archaeology has only records of culture in humans dating back about 12,000-14,000 years but that doesn't actually mean that's when Humanity as a big letter concept started. In fact, that suggests to me that there were cultures before that time that the remnants we have were built from. Monkeys and dolphins have tools, humans have had tools since before the "missing link" came into existence. Our troglodyte and neanderthal ancestors had tools in the hundreds of thousands of years ago. There is actually a lot to explain just in the written histories of the world how it came to be that an ancient people like the Egyptians could have come up with the design elegance that resulted in the pyramids and that's taking into account the unbelievable amounts of oral tradition and written records that the world does not or maybe even can not ever again have access to! So, please, to Michael Bay and all other cultural imperialists that believe everything they've heard is all that has ever been known - you don't know anything and you should leave the wild speculation alone. God begins where explanations have run their course, not because that is his doing but because that is where our answers stop. It's easier to say, "God took it from there," than it is to simply admit, "I can't understand anything beyond this point and maybe there isn't actually an answer to the bigger question. Maybe it's just infernal coincidence." Humans built the pyramids without any extra-terrestrial help.
TransFormers 2: Pretty Much What Meets the Eye
I'm 32 now and I've spent a lot of time the last week and a half (post being run down by a car on Hollywood Blvd) watching old cartoons from my childhood. I still love them even though the stories and characterizations are pretty much universally horrible. The animation stinks and episodes are repetitious unless they were part of a mini-series or movie. I don't know that my enjoyment is derived from a purely nostalgic viewpoint, either. I think I really just like the idea of giant robots and crazy villains. So let's try to look at TransMorfers 2 from that viewpoint.
Last year I spent some amount of mental capacity trying to come up with a reasoned analysis for why The Dark Knight was a great comic book adaptation and a really cool movie without actually crossing the line to being a great movie. I gave up after a while because I couldn't find a throughline and because I wrote a decent draft that then got erased by the wonders of blogspot converging with the frailties of my apartment's power supply. So I have a couple of paragraphs of rambling left to show for it and a reasonable expectation that "serious" film criticism is a dead dog that might not even mean much to the next generation of film students, let alone an uncaring general populace. So this is my obverse of that abandoned project, my attempt to reclaim some territory I hadn't even finished staking out yet. I come not to bury TransFormers but to praise it. I haven't actually seen TransMorphers yet, but I'm really glad to know that it exists and fully intend to avail myself to its potentially considerable charms over the next few weeks. Go-Bots and Voltron? Any producer with a dollar to spend who's looking for a writer, come see me! Now, on to the most-hated and most-watched movie currently in world cinemas.
There is a large faction of new media voices who assert that the new TransFormers movie is racist, and they could be right. I do see the Twins characters as shucking and jiving bastardizations of hip-hop culture but I don't know that this necessarily makes them black. Lots of white kids go through wannabe stages of hip-hop pandering and either throw off the casing as a past mask or actually grow in understanding enough to be comfortable in there own skin and just grow into hip hop on their own terms. So it is conceivable that the Twins are alien-wiggers (for lack of a more understandable term) who are just culture-jacking and wouldn't really be set up as a separate "race" of AutoBots. In some ways that is balm to the part of my soul that actually likes big dumb robots exploding things. I realize, though, that when taken in the context of a vapidly misanthropic film such as this (and perhaps in the larger context of a vapidly misanthropic sheen to most, if not all, of Michael Bay's films) it is impossible to say that the filmmakers didn't just look at the Twins from their own culture-jacking eyes and say, "Well, shit, them colored folks sure talk funny. What about if we's made two dumb robots that talked like them colored folks?" Maybe they even said it in those words. Even so, I think it is more likely a symptom of systematic racism that associates swagger with idiocy and tries to subvert the threat of otherness through mental emasculation. I mean, Mr. Bay probably looks at his work on music videos, on the Bad Boys movies and says to himself, "How could I be racist? I love black people - they pay me!" And then he dives into his money pool, a la Scrooge McDuck. So, this ugly element of the movie (a marked contrast to the at times aggressive attempts at PC inclusion that the cartoons and comic books) does stain the experience for me quite a bit. I'm not saying the film doesn't deserve the derision it receives on this one point because it does. Still there's more open hostility and hate in the Michael Bay canon that should perhaps be put on trial here.
Culture jacking is a serious discussion but it is tough to put much personal perspective on it because it does require some distance to even begin the discussion. (Along the lines of, "I can make pronouncements on race because I am above this discussion", which is never true but is somewhat necessary to even address the issue.) On the other hand Michael Bay is almost violently sexist in a way that doesn't need so much personal distance. What is going on at the "Ivy League" school that Sam goes to? His roommate is running a site called The Freshman 55 (actually a cultural reference, way to go Bay, Kurtzmann & Orci!) that goes completely uncommented upon because EVERY GIRL ON CAMPUS IS A SUPERMODEL. Digression - everyone on campus is also over 22 years old, which is weird. The one super-hot, unattainable blond bombshell that Sam's roommate slobbers over? The one that actually has an awareness of her sexuality? She's actually a killer robot. Really? I know the idea that's sold for union considerations is that the movie was written in like an hour or something but nobody noticed that? No, because nobody cares! The new feminism is that girls should get what they want through sex because it seems to work out pretty well in the long run. Well, it's pretty bad that this can be out in the open like it is. And this comes from someone who does consume as much sex culture as I have available to me. I love sex, I love talking about sex, I love watching sex acts and I love the fact that sex is our most important biological function (big picture here!). And yes I am asserting that racism is trumped by sexism in my defense of the movie. Thereby admitting that the movie is casually sexist and racist. On these cultural points I do concede.
I was thinking, you know what? TranFormers 2: Rolling On The Floor is not as bad as everyone says. It had giant robots fighting and they were sometimes cool to look at. And they made me want to make my own TransFormers movie. Something involving Unicron that could replace the uncomfortable schism that occurs in this franchise from feeling the need to focus on human characters at the expense of cultivating any personality for the real stars, the robots. But you know what else? Fuck Michael Bay for being such an inhuman prick. I wish I had never paid to to see this movie. I'm ashamed to admit that I did. I really thought I could form an advanced argument to say this is not such a bad movie. It is a horrible movie, however, I do still think it has more entertainment value that the garbage that was delivered in the first installment of the series. So there, faint praise indeed.
Last year I spent some amount of mental capacity trying to come up with a reasoned analysis for why The Dark Knight was a great comic book adaptation and a really cool movie without actually crossing the line to being a great movie. I gave up after a while because I couldn't find a throughline and because I wrote a decent draft that then got erased by the wonders of blogspot converging with the frailties of my apartment's power supply. So I have a couple of paragraphs of rambling left to show for it and a reasonable expectation that "serious" film criticism is a dead dog that might not even mean much to the next generation of film students, let alone an uncaring general populace. So this is my obverse of that abandoned project, my attempt to reclaim some territory I hadn't even finished staking out yet. I come not to bury TransFormers but to praise it. I haven't actually seen TransMorphers yet, but I'm really glad to know that it exists and fully intend to avail myself to its potentially considerable charms over the next few weeks. Go-Bots and Voltron? Any producer with a dollar to spend who's looking for a writer, come see me! Now, on to the most-hated and most-watched movie currently in world cinemas.
There is a large faction of new media voices who assert that the new TransFormers movie is racist, and they could be right. I do see the Twins characters as shucking and jiving bastardizations of hip-hop culture but I don't know that this necessarily makes them black. Lots of white kids go through wannabe stages of hip-hop pandering and either throw off the casing as a past mask or actually grow in understanding enough to be comfortable in there own skin and just grow into hip hop on their own terms. So it is conceivable that the Twins are alien-wiggers (for lack of a more understandable term) who are just culture-jacking and wouldn't really be set up as a separate "race" of AutoBots. In some ways that is balm to the part of my soul that actually likes big dumb robots exploding things. I realize, though, that when taken in the context of a vapidly misanthropic film such as this (and perhaps in the larger context of a vapidly misanthropic sheen to most, if not all, of Michael Bay's films) it is impossible to say that the filmmakers didn't just look at the Twins from their own culture-jacking eyes and say, "Well, shit, them colored folks sure talk funny. What about if we's made two dumb robots that talked like them colored folks?" Maybe they even said it in those words. Even so, I think it is more likely a symptom of systematic racism that associates swagger with idiocy and tries to subvert the threat of otherness through mental emasculation. I mean, Mr. Bay probably looks at his work on music videos, on the Bad Boys movies and says to himself, "How could I be racist? I love black people - they pay me!" And then he dives into his money pool, a la Scrooge McDuck. So, this ugly element of the movie (a marked contrast to the at times aggressive attempts at PC inclusion that the cartoons and comic books) does stain the experience for me quite a bit. I'm not saying the film doesn't deserve the derision it receives on this one point because it does. Still there's more open hostility and hate in the Michael Bay canon that should perhaps be put on trial here.
Culture jacking is a serious discussion but it is tough to put much personal perspective on it because it does require some distance to even begin the discussion. (Along the lines of, "I can make pronouncements on race because I am above this discussion", which is never true but is somewhat necessary to even address the issue.) On the other hand Michael Bay is almost violently sexist in a way that doesn't need so much personal distance. What is going on at the "Ivy League" school that Sam goes to? His roommate is running a site called The Freshman 55 (actually a cultural reference, way to go Bay, Kurtzmann & Orci!) that goes completely uncommented upon because EVERY GIRL ON CAMPUS IS A SUPERMODEL. Digression - everyone on campus is also over 22 years old, which is weird. The one super-hot, unattainable blond bombshell that Sam's roommate slobbers over? The one that actually has an awareness of her sexuality? She's actually a killer robot. Really? I know the idea that's sold for union considerations is that the movie was written in like an hour or something but nobody noticed that? No, because nobody cares! The new feminism is that girls should get what they want through sex because it seems to work out pretty well in the long run. Well, it's pretty bad that this can be out in the open like it is. And this comes from someone who does consume as much sex culture as I have available to me. I love sex, I love talking about sex, I love watching sex acts and I love the fact that sex is our most important biological function (big picture here!). And yes I am asserting that racism is trumped by sexism in my defense of the movie. Thereby admitting that the movie is casually sexist and racist. On these cultural points I do concede.
I was thinking, you know what? TranFormers 2: Rolling On The Floor is not as bad as everyone says. It had giant robots fighting and they were sometimes cool to look at. And they made me want to make my own TransFormers movie. Something involving Unicron that could replace the uncomfortable schism that occurs in this franchise from feeling the need to focus on human characters at the expense of cultivating any personality for the real stars, the robots. But you know what else? Fuck Michael Bay for being such an inhuman prick. I wish I had never paid to to see this movie. I'm ashamed to admit that I did. I really thought I could form an advanced argument to say this is not such a bad movie. It is a horrible movie, however, I do still think it has more entertainment value that the garbage that was delivered in the first installment of the series. So there, faint praise indeed.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Thank You For Your Help!
If I believed I had an audience I probably would have already blogged about getting hit by a car. If you have stumbled over this post and don't know me - I was hit by a car while riding my bicycle. This happened last Thursday. It hurts. Today is Wednesday. I have also had my car towed and still have no income. So my car has been on lockdown for about a week now until I could get $$$ from my momz. Yeah, I'm 32, jobless, borrowing from my mom. I am awesome, thanks for asking!
My thank you for this article goes to WaMu/Chase for doing all they could to keep the money I received from actually helping me. I got a check from momz on Monday that would cover my little situation enough to get the car back and get it fixed (probably) so I went to my bank with boundless energy. I don't actually know what to call my bank now, by the way. WaMu has been becoming Chase for a while now. When is that chrysalis finally thrown off?
My initial plan for the check was to cash it for some greenbacks in case the tow yard requires that sort of blood money. (I still need to write my blockbuster action flick about tow trucks...) The first problem was that they said the check needed to be held so they couldn't give me more than $100, which would help in 1923 but not now. So the guy just asked me if I wanted to deposit the money. Thinking I had no other options because I assume money will always work against me I told him, "sure, go ahead!" and cried my way out the front door of the bank. When I told my girlfriend that the money would be on hold until next month some time she marched into the bank with her giant dog and demanded answers. The concept, if you can follow it, gentle reader:
Reverse the deposit!
Wire the money instead of a check!
Save the princess from the castle!
Easy enough!
But, alas, it was not easy. When I got the money wired I noticed a peculiarity with my account. There was still a hold against it even though the original deposit had been cancelled. I called the Customer Service line to ask that the hold be released. The nice man from the far away land assured me that the money would be released automatically at 9pm. Too late for the day's activities, but all would be right in the morning. I should point out here that the guy didn't really put up much of a front of helpfulness. He was actually kind of a dick. But I selected no when I was asked about the survey. Too bad, he would have gotten all "very dissatisfied", especially if I had known then that he was just making shit up.
My momz told me to go ahead and deposit the check she sent me on top of the money that was wired and the kingdom cheered. A second trip to the bank was a small price to pay for a lot of moneys. I paid that ultimate price! And I got a receipt, which I never do, because I assumed something was still fucked up. And I'm a psychic! It was still fucked up! The first deposit was still on hold even though the second deposit was for the same check. I had holds bigger than my total deposits and the customer service people helped as much as this:
Aaron (Chicago): What's your take on Nate Schierholtz? Expectations the rest of the way?
AJ Mass: Well, they're both mighty valuable. If this is a keeper league for just one year, it's closer; if it's a keeper league for multiple years, I'm easily saying Upton. The difference between them, obviously, is speed, which makes me answer Upton anyway. But Bay is going to make himself a whole lot of money this winter, and he'll deserve it.
-- Full chat transcript
My thank you for this article goes to WaMu/Chase for doing all they could to keep the money I received from actually helping me. I got a check from momz on Monday that would cover my little situation enough to get the car back and get it fixed (probably) so I went to my bank with boundless energy. I don't actually know what to call my bank now, by the way. WaMu has been becoming Chase for a while now. When is that chrysalis finally thrown off?
My initial plan for the check was to cash it for some greenbacks in case the tow yard requires that sort of blood money. (I still need to write my blockbuster action flick about tow trucks...) The first problem was that they said the check needed to be held so they couldn't give me more than $100, which would help in 1923 but not now. So the guy just asked me if I wanted to deposit the money. Thinking I had no other options because I assume money will always work against me I told him, "sure, go ahead!" and cried my way out the front door of the bank. When I told my girlfriend that the money would be on hold until next month some time she marched into the bank with her giant dog and demanded answers. The concept, if you can follow it, gentle reader:
Reverse the deposit!
Wire the money instead of a check!
Save the princess from the castle!
Easy enough!
But, alas, it was not easy. When I got the money wired I noticed a peculiarity with my account. There was still a hold against it even though the original deposit had been cancelled. I called the Customer Service line to ask that the hold be released. The nice man from the far away land assured me that the money would be released automatically at 9pm. Too late for the day's activities, but all would be right in the morning. I should point out here that the guy didn't really put up much of a front of helpfulness. He was actually kind of a dick. But I selected no when I was asked about the survey. Too bad, he would have gotten all "very dissatisfied", especially if I had known then that he was just making shit up.
My momz told me to go ahead and deposit the check she sent me on top of the money that was wired and the kingdom cheered. A second trip to the bank was a small price to pay for a lot of moneys. I paid that ultimate price! And I got a receipt, which I never do, because I assumed something was still fucked up. And I'm a psychic! It was still fucked up! The first deposit was still on hold even though the second deposit was for the same check. I had holds bigger than my total deposits and the customer service people helped as much as this:
They Said It
AJ Mass: Well, they're both mighty valuable. If this is a keeper league for just one year, it's closer; if it's a keeper league for multiple years, I'm easily saying Upton. The difference between them, obviously, is speed, which makes me answer Upton anyway. But Bay is going to make himself a whole lot of money this winter, and he'll deserve it.
-- Full chat transcript
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Reactions to Manny Being 'Roided
I linked to Buster Olney's post today because I want to take some exception to it. I started to write him a note through the ESPN form but I have noticed that everything I have ever tried to post as a comment to ESPN's website never actually showed up and I'm sure lots of things (or all three things, as the case may be) that I've sent to ESPN Columnists over the years have gone from my screen to oblivion with no stops in between. This isn't what I wanted to say but I think ESPN comments are actually B.S. that is put up by employees of the Disney family of broadcaters. Having said that, let's get on to the outrage.
It is not believable at this point to say that a player is stealing money from the club he pays for. No employee at any company is stealing money from the company unless they are out and out embezzling cash. The money we are paid is based on actuarial methods that figure out what is the least amount of money you can be paid and stay productive to the point that you are aiding in the generation of income. Is that a mouthful? You are being paid as little as the company can get away with. This goes for every business in the entire world and Major League Baseball teams are not separate from that. If anything, the superfluous monopoly exemption that baseball enjoys (superfluous in the sense that monopolization hasn't been a target of the feds since at least the LBJ years) serves to make the environment of baseball a petri dish for what the common man goes through. You know the separation between baseball players making millions and you struggling to pay your rent every month? It's a really strong union. The MLBPA should be teaching courses to young ACLU wannabes.
We need unions because we need people who actually have the means to cut through all of the accountant-speak B.S. Revenue is a misunderstood phenomenon for the most part. I've heard the CFO at my last job say that all the workers except for the sales force don't deserve more money because they don't generate revenue. I find this logic hard to swallow because if the other workers were not responsible actors in the production of revenue they wouldn't be there. Get it? You would not have your job if the company didn't need you. And the downside (bad company accounting) is that a workforce strikes and the company discovers, "Hey, we didn't really need all those people!" is only a death-blow in a vacuum. There is revenue available for every single human being on the planet but it is very much distibuted in an inverted pyramid. Now Buster Olney is, in all likelihood, not a party to the machinations of which he is espousing. He is a willing cog and a well rewarded cog in a machine that is, for the most part, unconscious. It might seem a bit radical to paint this man versus corporation picture. It may seem irresponsible and it may even seem flighty and/or dangerous. But it is true.
The Dodgers are not going to lose money on the Manny Ramirez deal. Their revenue streams are off the charts. Generally they are ranked as the 3rd or 4th most valuable franchise in baseball, sometimes as high as second. Their seats for this season are sold as much as one could hope for and they will finish in their customary spot among the top 3 in MLB attendance at the end of the year. Their merchandise and corollary income will dip slightly from the rate at which it was being produced in August-October of last year but it could also (and probably will) be more than offset by the fact that they are going to make a playoff run with Manny Ramirez. See, he's gone until July 3rd. Right before the All-Star break. So he will be there for the second half of the season. And the media interest in "Manny's Return" will generate sales to a publi that is more indifferent to steroids scandals than one might think from reading ESPN and their ilk. Manny is going to help the Dodgers generate their several hundred million dollars in total revenue over the course of his 2.5 years in Los Angeles. He is not "stealing money" and it is disingenuous to suggest that the clubs are not complicit in the use of PEDs. Also, Buster? HGH is not the magic bullet here. Most of the athletes that are gaming the system are moved on to drugs that are not even in the imagination of drug testers or, more importantly, the companies that design the drug tests.
Over the last 25 years, the amount of money that sports generates has exploded. If shabby reporting is to be believed, this is the timeframe that coincides with the explosion in use for Perfermance Enhancing Drugs! So the economic lesson, in my best attempt at simplicity, is that PEDs enhance nothing more than the bottom line. What many sports writers and even sports fans really miss in the whole mass of "controversy" surround drugs is that the drugs make the games more entertaining. Would you be OK with Manny Ramirez looking like a regular schlub and doing things that you feel, in your heart of hearts, that you could do yourself? Hell NO! Atheltes are sacrificing their bodies for our entertainment and more power to them for that. The amount of money being spent on research into PEDs is good for the economy and it's good for people that want to be involved in sports but don't know how. You too can be the next Victor Conte! Don't pretend to be upset about it. And don't pretend that, in the context of a free market (an actual free market), Manny Ramirez has actually earned every cent in his career by performing a function that very few people, drugs included, could ever pretend to be anywhere close to performing. You feel it's justice to suspend him? Fine, suspend him to fill a void in a 100% PR world. But the hand-wringing has to stop. I don't feel any outrage towards Manny Ramirez. None. I feel outrage towards sanctimonious reporters and team officials acting like they couldn't figure out what was happening 20 years ago.
If I could take a drug to become a successful writer, knowing that it will probably shorten my life span and make me impotent and/or murderous, you have to know I would take it. And if I sold twenty million novels and died young with barely $100 million to my name then so be it. How is that different? If you can take a drug that will possibly help you make a shit-ton of money, don't pretend you won't take it. It's a silly pretension. Get over yourself. Athletes owe you entertainment for your money and that is all. Here's the dirty little secret to it all. You know how steroids are seen as a shortcut to athletic dominance? Guess what, Manny Ramirez still did a hell of a lot of work to be in position for the steroids to work and did a hell of a lot of work after he started taking steroids to stay in shape. It might have been aided but that shit is still very difficult. Keep your heads together, folks.
And in other Dodgers Suck News... I wrote several months ago about a horrible experience my disabled girlfriend and I, along with the family of a young girl (maybe 10?) who was crippled, had at Dodgers Stadium late last summer. And guess what? The Dodgers still haven't bothered to even acknowledge their poor handling of a situation they should already have been prepared for. We gave money to the bloodsuckers in the ticket office under a false pretense that was then proven faulty by security guards and stadium personnel violating several statutes of the Americans With Disabilities Act. The response? I hope you guys come back and spend some more money here! I have, at least, stayed true to my principle of not spending any money there this year. I would like to extend a hearty "screw you" to the whole Dodgers organization today and hope I am piling on, because Frank McCourt and his minions deserve it.
It is not believable at this point to say that a player is stealing money from the club he pays for. No employee at any company is stealing money from the company unless they are out and out embezzling cash. The money we are paid is based on actuarial methods that figure out what is the least amount of money you can be paid and stay productive to the point that you are aiding in the generation of income. Is that a mouthful? You are being paid as little as the company can get away with. This goes for every business in the entire world and Major League Baseball teams are not separate from that. If anything, the superfluous monopoly exemption that baseball enjoys (superfluous in the sense that monopolization hasn't been a target of the feds since at least the LBJ years) serves to make the environment of baseball a petri dish for what the common man goes through. You know the separation between baseball players making millions and you struggling to pay your rent every month? It's a really strong union. The MLBPA should be teaching courses to young ACLU wannabes.
We need unions because we need people who actually have the means to cut through all of the accountant-speak B.S. Revenue is a misunderstood phenomenon for the most part. I've heard the CFO at my last job say that all the workers except for the sales force don't deserve more money because they don't generate revenue. I find this logic hard to swallow because if the other workers were not responsible actors in the production of revenue they wouldn't be there. Get it? You would not have your job if the company didn't need you. And the downside (bad company accounting) is that a workforce strikes and the company discovers, "Hey, we didn't really need all those people!" is only a death-blow in a vacuum. There is revenue available for every single human being on the planet but it is very much distibuted in an inverted pyramid. Now Buster Olney is, in all likelihood, not a party to the machinations of which he is espousing. He is a willing cog and a well rewarded cog in a machine that is, for the most part, unconscious. It might seem a bit radical to paint this man versus corporation picture. It may seem irresponsible and it may even seem flighty and/or dangerous. But it is true.
The Dodgers are not going to lose money on the Manny Ramirez deal. Their revenue streams are off the charts. Generally they are ranked as the 3rd or 4th most valuable franchise in baseball, sometimes as high as second. Their seats for this season are sold as much as one could hope for and they will finish in their customary spot among the top 3 in MLB attendance at the end of the year. Their merchandise and corollary income will dip slightly from the rate at which it was being produced in August-October of last year but it could also (and probably will) be more than offset by the fact that they are going to make a playoff run with Manny Ramirez. See, he's gone until July 3rd. Right before the All-Star break. So he will be there for the second half of the season. And the media interest in "Manny's Return" will generate sales to a publi that is more indifferent to steroids scandals than one might think from reading ESPN and their ilk. Manny is going to help the Dodgers generate their several hundred million dollars in total revenue over the course of his 2.5 years in Los Angeles. He is not "stealing money" and it is disingenuous to suggest that the clubs are not complicit in the use of PEDs. Also, Buster? HGH is not the magic bullet here. Most of the athletes that are gaming the system are moved on to drugs that are not even in the imagination of drug testers or, more importantly, the companies that design the drug tests.
Over the last 25 years, the amount of money that sports generates has exploded. If shabby reporting is to be believed, this is the timeframe that coincides with the explosion in use for Perfermance Enhancing Drugs! So the economic lesson, in my best attempt at simplicity, is that PEDs enhance nothing more than the bottom line. What many sports writers and even sports fans really miss in the whole mass of "controversy" surround drugs is that the drugs make the games more entertaining. Would you be OK with Manny Ramirez looking like a regular schlub and doing things that you feel, in your heart of hearts, that you could do yourself? Hell NO! Atheltes are sacrificing their bodies for our entertainment and more power to them for that. The amount of money being spent on research into PEDs is good for the economy and it's good for people that want to be involved in sports but don't know how. You too can be the next Victor Conte! Don't pretend to be upset about it. And don't pretend that, in the context of a free market (an actual free market), Manny Ramirez has actually earned every cent in his career by performing a function that very few people, drugs included, could ever pretend to be anywhere close to performing. You feel it's justice to suspend him? Fine, suspend him to fill a void in a 100% PR world. But the hand-wringing has to stop. I don't feel any outrage towards Manny Ramirez. None. I feel outrage towards sanctimonious reporters and team officials acting like they couldn't figure out what was happening 20 years ago.
If I could take a drug to become a successful writer, knowing that it will probably shorten my life span and make me impotent and/or murderous, you have to know I would take it. And if I sold twenty million novels and died young with barely $100 million to my name then so be it. How is that different? If you can take a drug that will possibly help you make a shit-ton of money, don't pretend you won't take it. It's a silly pretension. Get over yourself. Athletes owe you entertainment for your money and that is all. Here's the dirty little secret to it all. You know how steroids are seen as a shortcut to athletic dominance? Guess what, Manny Ramirez still did a hell of a lot of work to be in position for the steroids to work and did a hell of a lot of work after he started taking steroids to stay in shape. It might have been aided but that shit is still very difficult. Keep your heads together, folks.
And in other Dodgers Suck News... I wrote several months ago about a horrible experience my disabled girlfriend and I, along with the family of a young girl (maybe 10?) who was crippled, had at Dodgers Stadium late last summer. And guess what? The Dodgers still haven't bothered to even acknowledge their poor handling of a situation they should already have been prepared for. We gave money to the bloodsuckers in the ticket office under a false pretense that was then proven faulty by security guards and stadium personnel violating several statutes of the Americans With Disabilities Act. The response? I hope you guys come back and spend some more money here! I have, at least, stayed true to my principle of not spending any money there this year. I would like to extend a hearty "screw you" to the whole Dodgers organization today and hope I am piling on, because Frank McCourt and his minions deserve it.
Labels: baseball, Buster Olney, Dodgers Stadium, Dodgers Suck, ESPN, Frank McCourt, Los Angeles Dodgers, Manny Ramirez, MLB, steroids, unions
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Never Remember, Never Forget
Oh, 9-11 exploitation. It wasn't just for Republicans. Let's see if I did this right. A little Hammer, please hurt 'em for youse:
And who could forget this eternal classic? If we don't fall for weak equivocations after a major tragedy we might end up standing against things that hurt us! Way to take the tough stand Petey Pablo and Timbaland. Sorry I'm not good at computers and math and stuff so you'll just have to follow this rabbit hole (oh, why oh why can't my life be easier?):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHf7IMhaXhw
So that's it. I'm in love with 9-11 exploitation. What an awesome time to be alive. Remember Neil Young's terrible album about 9-11? And that shitty Michael Moore... wait, does that count? Yeah, it does. But it was pretty impressive as an exercise in 1st Amendment Rights (not just for Larry Flynt anymore!). Alright, I've got nothing, just wanted to share some premium morsels of rallying 'round the flag. Happy Earth Day, America, you've earned it!
And who could forget this eternal classic? If we don't fall for weak equivocations after a major tragedy we might end up standing against things that hurt us! Way to take the tough stand Petey Pablo and Timbaland. Sorry I'm not good at computers and math and stuff so you'll just have to follow this rabbit hole (oh, why oh why can't my life be easier?):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHf7IMhaXhw
So that's it. I'm in love with 9-11 exploitation. What an awesome time to be alive. Remember Neil Young's terrible album about 9-11? And that shitty Michael Moore... wait, does that count? Yeah, it does. But it was pretty impressive as an exercise in 1st Amendment Rights (not just for Larry Flynt anymore!). Alright, I've got nothing, just wanted to share some premium morsels of rallying 'round the flag. Happy Earth Day, America, you've earned it!
Labels: 9-11, exploitation, mc hammer, Neil Young, petey pablo, usa, videos
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Our Daily Bread - PIZZA!
Sourdough is f'ing hard to work with. I had two cultures going and they both died. I tried to follow the instructions laid out at Jeff Varasano's website but I ended up killing them both. I got one batch of pizza out of it and it was horrible. The only thing that was right was the texture. But fear not! I have found my own pizza dough recipe and it is the easiest bread dough ever. I did get some valuable information from Verasano's, mainly about the moisture content. I had to up the water content in my dough, but that's it. Otherwise I went straight back to basics. Let's go through it my way, shall we? Sorry, I ain't got no pictures but I will do this (make pizza, that is) again and probably add some.
MATERIALS (baking stone, sheet pan, skillet, mixing bowl, measuring cups)
It is absolutely necessary to use a baking stone to get a good crust on a New York style pizza. I am not a scientician, so I can't actually explain anything about thermodynamics other than "heat rises", but there is something paradigm shifting about going from using aluminum pans to using a stone. I don't get as excited about the changes in regular bread loafs because it isn't as dramatic as all that. My white bread/french bread/whatever/experiments come out similar to what they did before. I got my stone at a big box store (not Wal-Mart but I'm not advertising for the other guys, either) for $10. You might find a better one somewhere else or a cheaper one or whatever. I'm not a connoisseur of baking stones and I went out on a limb that $10 would be worth it to me. So far, so good.
Besides the baking stone it is also necessary to put some type of reflector over the pizza. I just mean that you need to put some type of pan on the rack above where you are cooking the pizza - I use my 15" Lodge cast iron skillet. The downside is that you can only bake one pie at a time. The upshot is that the one pie you bake is unbelievable. I do all this in my standard-issue, gas-leaking, crummy/came-with-the-apartment gas oven. I bet it would be better on a wood fire but I might never find out because I expect to be completely broke my whole life. It would probably help to have a peel but I've never used one. I also don't care too much if I burn my fingers, though, so take that for what it's worth.
For mixing the dough you NEED a mixing bowl. You can do this by hand (I do) so you don't need anything else. If you have a bread mixer, that's great, but it isn't absolutely necessary. To follow my steps you need four Glad or Tupperware containers with lids. Before you make the dough, you should very lightly oil the insides of the containers.
THE DOUGH (flour, water, yeast, salt, olive oil)
Now, here's what Jeff Verasano has exactly right in a way that is scalable to any kitchen anywhere in the world. The water content of your first rise needs to be 2 parts water to three parts flour. The salt? The yeast? Honestly, I never measure either one of them. I can eyeball it and get them right for the most part. Do whatever you're comfortable with here. My trick with the yeast is to put the water in a big mixing bowl (the bigger the better - mine's a 6 litre plastic thing that I got from god knows where many moons ago) and then sprinkle the yeast until there is a thin layer covering the surface of the water. This is about the same amount that there is in a packet of yeast from Fleischmann's or Star. I use Bob's Red Mill. The bag seems expensive but it works out about the same as the others.
So for the sake of this recipe, and to make the math easier, say you've got two cups of really warm/hot water in your bowl. You're better off using filtered water but you can use tap and you'll be fine for your home. Trust me, your palate isn't anywhere near as refined as the palates of the people that wrote your cookbooks. Once you put the yeast in the water, mix it in until it seems dissolved. You should have two cups of brackish looking water that smells like yeast. Then slowly mix in your three cups of yeast. I say slowly because it's easier to mix. I do everything by hand, though, so this might not be a big deal in your bread mixer. Always keep your flower nearby! Throw some salt into the mix. I use Redmond Real Salt with iodine. Like I said, I eyeball the salt. It might be a teaspoon or so. I knead the dough by hand until it is just a little bit sticky to the touch. I don't want it too dry for pizza dough because I want it to bubble a little bit. I don't want it too wet to pick up, though, either. I do all of this by feel so I can't give much of a measurement. I try to make sure there isn't any flour left stuck to the bowl and then I cover the bowl with a thin dish towel and let it rise for about 1.5 - 2 hours. Yeah, that's all. Flour, water, yeast, salt - rise for maybe two hours.
Another thing I got from Verasano - I divide the dough while it is rising. I let it go for a while first, though. I don't do this right when it's needed. It's basically giving the dough a third rise. Three cups of flour should be enough for 3-4 pizzas. The first time or two you do this I would suggest you make the dough balls err on the bigger side. You might get a thicker crust than you want but you won't scar yourself. You'll see. So you divide the dough into thirds or fourths or whatever scale you are working on and then you make each division into it's own little ball. Put each ball in one of your Tupperware containers, set it aside and let it rise again.
At this point you need your oven to start heating up. I am not one to go through the potential pain of breaking a self-cleaning oven. I simply put one rack in the top position with my skillet facing down. I put my stone on a rack in the second position (out of four, if you were wondering) and I turn the oven up to broil. Just close the door and do whatever you have to do to keep the fire alarm from ringing.
SAUCE (tomato sauce, whole peeled tomatoes, fresh oregano)
Yes, my sauce is from a can. If I'm in a store that has the jarred one that I like, I'll buy that instead of the canned tomato sauce, but that's as far as I'm stepping out. I have been advised that unless you grow your own tomatoes you are throwing good food and good money after bad to make your own sauce from fresh tomatoes. The economics don't work and the effort does not match the results. You disagree? Good for you. I'm really only trying to explain my easy way of making dough. If I had my druthers I'd be using wheat that I milled myself, but I ain't got it like that so this is how I handle things. Basically, just mix the tomato sauce with the peeled tomatoes, one can to one can. Cut the stems off the whole tomatoes and dice them to your satisfaction. Tear up enough oregano to make yourself happy and stir it all together. Simple enough, no? No heating! It'll cook plenty in the oven. If I have a bottle of wine that I'm planning to drink with dinner, I'll toss in a dash of it.
CHEESE & TOPPINGS (fresh cow mozzarella, bufala mozzarella, part-skim mozzarella, provolone, goat's chevre, , raw sharp cheddar, pecorino, prosciutto, pancetta, pepperoni, fresh basil)
You can really do whatever you want here. I listed the ingredients I use most often. I will offer that if you are using part-skim mozzarella you should blend it with provolone to get it to taste like a memory. If you are using buffalo mozzarella I would use goat cheese to add some sharpness to it, as well. I do not grate mozzarella. The only cheeses I grate for pizza are the hard cheeses. Slice the mozzarella or buy bocconcini.
MAKING IT WORK
When the dough balls have risen to about 1.5-1.75 times there original size, you're ready to go. You need a heavily floured service to stretch them out. I use a round sheet pan (a.k.a. pizza pan) but you can use a cutting board or whatever, as long as it has more area than your stretched out dough is going to take up. As mentioned before, I don't have a peel, so here's how I get around it. Make sure your toppings and sauce are close at hand and ready to toss on there because you have a small window. Once the dough is stretched, open your oven, pull out the rack with your stone just far enough to not burn yourself. Be CAREFUL! My method is dumb and unsafe! Flour the stone where you are going to put the pizza. So, pretty much the whole surface, right? Put the dough on the stone, untopped, throw your provolone down on the crust first, then your sauce and basil, then your mozzarella, then your meat if you're using it. Save the hard cheeses for when it is done. The first one will cook in about 4 minutes, each subsequent pie will take slightly longer, depending on how much you leave the door to the oven open. You can use a spatula to pull the pie off the stone, it will be hot as hell though, so I just slide it off onto a wooden cutting board and let it cool. I grate a little cheddar or pecorino over the top while it cools. I give it about 5-10 minutes before I slice it but I'll leave that judgment up to your discretion. I hope I've explained this well enough that nobody reads it and ends up in the hospital. Sue me all you want, I haven't got any money. I'll have pictures on this post eventually.
MATERIALS (baking stone, sheet pan, skillet, mixing bowl, measuring cups)
It is absolutely necessary to use a baking stone to get a good crust on a New York style pizza. I am not a scientician, so I can't actually explain anything about thermodynamics other than "heat rises", but there is something paradigm shifting about going from using aluminum pans to using a stone. I don't get as excited about the changes in regular bread loafs because it isn't as dramatic as all that. My white bread/french bread/whatever/experiments come out similar to what they did before. I got my stone at a big box store (not Wal-Mart but I'm not advertising for the other guys, either) for $10. You might find a better one somewhere else or a cheaper one or whatever. I'm not a connoisseur of baking stones and I went out on a limb that $10 would be worth it to me. So far, so good.
Besides the baking stone it is also necessary to put some type of reflector over the pizza. I just mean that you need to put some type of pan on the rack above where you are cooking the pizza - I use my 15" Lodge cast iron skillet. The downside is that you can only bake one pie at a time. The upshot is that the one pie you bake is unbelievable. I do all this in my standard-issue, gas-leaking, crummy/came-with-the-apartment gas oven. I bet it would be better on a wood fire but I might never find out because I expect to be completely broke my whole life. It would probably help to have a peel but I've never used one. I also don't care too much if I burn my fingers, though, so take that for what it's worth.
For mixing the dough you NEED a mixing bowl. You can do this by hand (I do) so you don't need anything else. If you have a bread mixer, that's great, but it isn't absolutely necessary. To follow my steps you need four Glad or Tupperware containers with lids. Before you make the dough, you should very lightly oil the insides of the containers.
THE DOUGH (flour, water, yeast, salt, olive oil)
Now, here's what Jeff Verasano has exactly right in a way that is scalable to any kitchen anywhere in the world. The water content of your first rise needs to be 2 parts water to three parts flour. The salt? The yeast? Honestly, I never measure either one of them. I can eyeball it and get them right for the most part. Do whatever you're comfortable with here. My trick with the yeast is to put the water in a big mixing bowl (the bigger the better - mine's a 6 litre plastic thing that I got from god knows where many moons ago) and then sprinkle the yeast until there is a thin layer covering the surface of the water. This is about the same amount that there is in a packet of yeast from Fleischmann's or Star. I use Bob's Red Mill. The bag seems expensive but it works out about the same as the others.
So for the sake of this recipe, and to make the math easier, say you've got two cups of really warm/hot water in your bowl. You're better off using filtered water but you can use tap and you'll be fine for your home. Trust me, your palate isn't anywhere near as refined as the palates of the people that wrote your cookbooks. Once you put the yeast in the water, mix it in until it seems dissolved. You should have two cups of brackish looking water that smells like yeast. Then slowly mix in your three cups of yeast. I say slowly because it's easier to mix. I do everything by hand, though, so this might not be a big deal in your bread mixer. Always keep your flower nearby! Throw some salt into the mix. I use Redmond Real Salt with iodine. Like I said, I eyeball the salt. It might be a teaspoon or so. I knead the dough by hand until it is just a little bit sticky to the touch. I don't want it too dry for pizza dough because I want it to bubble a little bit. I don't want it too wet to pick up, though, either. I do all of this by feel so I can't give much of a measurement. I try to make sure there isn't any flour left stuck to the bowl and then I cover the bowl with a thin dish towel and let it rise for about 1.5 - 2 hours. Yeah, that's all. Flour, water, yeast, salt - rise for maybe two hours.
Another thing I got from Verasano - I divide the dough while it is rising. I let it go for a while first, though. I don't do this right when it's needed. It's basically giving the dough a third rise. Three cups of flour should be enough for 3-4 pizzas. The first time or two you do this I would suggest you make the dough balls err on the bigger side. You might get a thicker crust than you want but you won't scar yourself. You'll see. So you divide the dough into thirds or fourths or whatever scale you are working on and then you make each division into it's own little ball. Put each ball in one of your Tupperware containers, set it aside and let it rise again.
At this point you need your oven to start heating up. I am not one to go through the potential pain of breaking a self-cleaning oven. I simply put one rack in the top position with my skillet facing down. I put my stone on a rack in the second position (out of four, if you were wondering) and I turn the oven up to broil. Just close the door and do whatever you have to do to keep the fire alarm from ringing.
SAUCE (tomato sauce, whole peeled tomatoes, fresh oregano)
Yes, my sauce is from a can. If I'm in a store that has the jarred one that I like, I'll buy that instead of the canned tomato sauce, but that's as far as I'm stepping out. I have been advised that unless you grow your own tomatoes you are throwing good food and good money after bad to make your own sauce from fresh tomatoes. The economics don't work and the effort does not match the results. You disagree? Good for you. I'm really only trying to explain my easy way of making dough. If I had my druthers I'd be using wheat that I milled myself, but I ain't got it like that so this is how I handle things. Basically, just mix the tomato sauce with the peeled tomatoes, one can to one can. Cut the stems off the whole tomatoes and dice them to your satisfaction. Tear up enough oregano to make yourself happy and stir it all together. Simple enough, no? No heating! It'll cook plenty in the oven. If I have a bottle of wine that I'm planning to drink with dinner, I'll toss in a dash of it.
CHEESE & TOPPINGS (fresh cow mozzarella, bufala mozzarella, part-skim mozzarella, provolone, goat's chevre, , raw sharp cheddar, pecorino, prosciutto, pancetta, pepperoni, fresh basil)
You can really do whatever you want here. I listed the ingredients I use most often. I will offer that if you are using part-skim mozzarella you should blend it with provolone to get it to taste like a memory. If you are using buffalo mozzarella I would use goat cheese to add some sharpness to it, as well. I do not grate mozzarella. The only cheeses I grate for pizza are the hard cheeses. Slice the mozzarella or buy bocconcini.
MAKING IT WORK
When the dough balls have risen to about 1.5-1.75 times there original size, you're ready to go. You need a heavily floured service to stretch them out. I use a round sheet pan (a.k.a. pizza pan) but you can use a cutting board or whatever, as long as it has more area than your stretched out dough is going to take up. As mentioned before, I don't have a peel, so here's how I get around it. Make sure your toppings and sauce are close at hand and ready to toss on there because you have a small window. Once the dough is stretched, open your oven, pull out the rack with your stone just far enough to not burn yourself. Be CAREFUL! My method is dumb and unsafe! Flour the stone where you are going to put the pizza. So, pretty much the whole surface, right? Put the dough on the stone, untopped, throw your provolone down on the crust first, then your sauce and basil, then your mozzarella, then your meat if you're using it. Save the hard cheeses for when it is done. The first one will cook in about 4 minutes, each subsequent pie will take slightly longer, depending on how much you leave the door to the oven open. You can use a spatula to pull the pie off the stone, it will be hot as hell though, so I just slide it off onto a wooden cutting board and let it cool. I grate a little cheddar or pecorino over the top while it cools. I give it about 5-10 minutes before I slice it but I'll leave that judgment up to your discretion. I hope I've explained this well enough that nobody reads it and ends up in the hospital. Sue me all you want, I haven't got any money. I'll have pictures on this post eventually.
Labels: baking, bread dough, cooking, pizza, pizza dough
Thursday, April 16, 2009
No More Work, Only Fantasy
Some people tell me I'm an idiot for quitting my job in the midst of the biggest depression since Moses cast out the Red Sea, thereby inventing fantasy sports. But I'm really just following the road of that great prophet. My fantasy baseball team is not doing well in the first two weeks of the season but I'm an optimist! Want to send me some money? Sure, I'll take it!
My dumbest move of the week so far is dropping Cody Ross for Andruw Jones. I think the ceiling is higher on Jones in Texas but I'm probably wrong. Still, 50 HR is out of the question, so I've got that going for me. Here's my team:
C - Geovany Soto, Cubs
Chris Snyder, Diamondbacks
1B - Carlos Pena, Rays
2b - Aaron Hill, Blue Jays
Mike Aviles, Royals (also SS eligible)
SS - Elvis Andrus, Rangers
Rafael Furcal, Dodgers
3B - Chris Davis, Rangers (also 1B eligible)
OF - Ichiro, Mariners
Carlos Lee, Astros
Ryan Braun, Brewers
Justin Upton, Diamondbacks
Andruw Jones, Rangers
SP - James Shields, Rays
Andrew Sonnanstine, Rays
Zack Greinke, Royals
Trevor Cahill, A's
Brett Anderson, A's
Aaron Harang, Reds
Scott Baker, Twins
RP - Francisco Rodriguez, Mets
Fernando Rodney, Tigers
Kevin Gregg, Cubs
Francisco Cordero, Reds
Is this team really terrible for a full-time fantasy team owner? Yes. Yes, it is. I paid more attention last year and my team sucked on a daily basis. I've got decent starting pitching (probably league average) and a good OF. That's about it. I thought about submitting my team to HardballTimes to see if they would write it up in a Roster Doctor article. But I know I'd get impatient and change it long before I heard from them. They would be sick if they knew the keepers I've given away over the years (Miguel Cabrera, Justin Morneau and Ryan Howard come to mind). I'm really just hoping I can get Matt Wieters later this year and he lives up to the hype. Maybe he can do what Ryan Braun did for me a few years ago. Delivering me to 2nd place! We'll see. There's a few guys I'm waiting for when they get called up but, if you're a fantasy geek reading this, let me know what you think I should try to do to get in a groove in a weekly line-up, cumulative scoring, head-to-head matchup.
My dumbest move of the week so far is dropping Cody Ross for Andruw Jones. I think the ceiling is higher on Jones in Texas but I'm probably wrong. Still, 50 HR is out of the question, so I've got that going for me. Here's my team:
C - Geovany Soto, Cubs
Chris Snyder, Diamondbacks
1B - Carlos Pena, Rays
2b - Aaron Hill, Blue Jays
Mike Aviles, Royals (also SS eligible)
SS - Elvis Andrus, Rangers
Rafael Furcal, Dodgers
3B - Chris Davis, Rangers (also 1B eligible)
OF - Ichiro, Mariners
Carlos Lee, Astros
Ryan Braun, Brewers
Justin Upton, Diamondbacks
Andruw Jones, Rangers
SP - James Shields, Rays
Andrew Sonnanstine, Rays
Zack Greinke, Royals
Trevor Cahill, A's
Brett Anderson, A's
Aaron Harang, Reds
Scott Baker, Twins
RP - Francisco Rodriguez, Mets
Fernando Rodney, Tigers
Kevin Gregg, Cubs
Francisco Cordero, Reds
Is this team really terrible for a full-time fantasy team owner? Yes. Yes, it is. I paid more attention last year and my team sucked on a daily basis. I've got decent starting pitching (probably league average) and a good OF. That's about it. I thought about submitting my team to HardballTimes to see if they would write it up in a Roster Doctor article. But I know I'd get impatient and change it long before I heard from them. They would be sick if they knew the keepers I've given away over the years (Miguel Cabrera, Justin Morneau and Ryan Howard come to mind). I'm really just hoping I can get Matt Wieters later this year and he lives up to the hype. Maybe he can do what Ryan Braun did for me a few years ago. Delivering me to 2nd place! We'll see. There's a few guys I'm waiting for when they get called up but, if you're a fantasy geek reading this, let me know what you think I should try to do to get in a groove in a weekly line-up, cumulative scoring, head-to-head matchup.
