laugh-o

I Am The Best Prognosticator In Football History

2011-12-11T12:31:00.000-08:00

I had a feeling that I'd predicted Tampa to suck this year so I went and looked it up. Yep, there it is, 11-5. Oh, fuck. The Panthers and Bengals are nowhere near the bottom of the league and the Colts have been an out-and-out disaster. I was a year early on my 49ers love. My caveat for not having them that high this year is that I figured a first year coach would lose games they shouldn't really lose. And also I continued to think Kevin Kolb could actually play in the NFL up until the first week of this season. At least I called it on Aaron Rodgers as MVP, right? I'm a fucking genius.

Actual Income Rate

2011-10-14T19:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'll admit up front that I am stumbling for a thesis as much as anything else but I wanted to put this in writing to perhaps spur my own further investigation into what is being caused and why it is being cause but it starts like this:

It occurred to me today, while I was sitting at my desk at the office of the company I work for, that my actual rate of income is quite a bit lower than what is stated on my paycheck. My current hourly rate for labor is stated at $19.05/hour. But this is based on hours that I am "clocked in" to work, i.e., this is only for the time that the company defines as active work. My rate of remuneration does not count, as a matter of profitable course and insofar as the law requires, the time that is actually dedicated in my life to working for the company. All of the time I spend traveling to and from work, as well as the off-the-clock lunch hour, are in a practical sense actually time dedicated to my job but the company is not expected, perhaps on any level, to recompense me (a low leverage worker) for this time in spite of the rather significant impact it has on my quality of life.

The Actual Income Rate for my job is below $7/hour. How do I arrive at that figure? Take the entire amount of time that is dedicated to work, i.e. the total amount of hours spend out of the home in favor of the job, and accept this as the actual time dedicated to the job. For me, considering mode of transportation and distance to work as well as one hour per day for lunch, the total comes out to about 13.5 hours per day. Factoring in scheduled over time, the total ends up at about 70 hours/week that I am out of the house for work. The effective income also must be adjusted to account for the money that is not ever going to be possessed by the worker: taxes, employee contributions to healthcare accounts, et al. Due to my income level and place of residence, I am taking home approximately 70% of the stated income that my employer pays me. The figure that I came up with, extrapolating from what information I am given on my pay stub, I am bringing home $7.26/hour. This is not a very high wage and is not enough to pay for my debts and monthly obligations (student loans, telephone, rent, utilites, and the like). This is still not accounting for the cost of actually getting too and from work. I added up car insurance, gasoline, public transit and wear and tear on my vehicle and arrived at a figure of $3600 in travel costs that I am paying prorated per year to get to and from work. This is more than 10% of my take home pay.

What is the point I am getting at here? I am not sure. It seems to me that this is an opening to a larger discussion or several larger discussions. It has been an object of some speculation in popular culture that people are less happy on average now than they have ever been before. As much as something like that can be calculated and weighed against a decided historical lack of such data being collected and in the face of an inherent unreliability of such data (it stretches credulity to the point of asking if this collection of information can even be presented as "data") it begs the question, "Why are people unhappier now?" I think my personal example is applicable to the large amount of Americans in the same income bracket as me (the average wage of a full-time employee in the United States is listed as slightly higher than my own income but is within a range of 10%) and would explain why it is that the economic power one might expect to exert when their wage is expressed does not match up with the actual buying power that wage gives a person. So that could begin a discussion on why are actual wages in this country lower than what a typical worker might need just to tread water in the economy.

There is also, interestingly enough, a rather large disconnect between what a worker is keeping and what their relative cost is to an employer. I have somewhat reliable information that the overhead cost on my employer's payments to my health insurance account, payroll taxes, retirement fund contributions, and other insurance coverage (life insurance for one, perhaps for two if there is a separate policy on me that would pay out to my employer in case of death) comes out to between $16,000-$20,000/year. That seems absurd on the face of it but this is the way the game is rigged in the actuary's office whether or not it is practically true. So the total cost for my services to my employer might be as $60,000 even though I am only seeing around $26,000 of that. This is a glaringly inefficient relationship. Such an expression would be even worse in regards to an employer's cost and the relative income for a temporary employee but a lot of companies favor that type of arrangement at least for cost reliability if or if not any actual savings are realized by such a service. The potential gap of about 56% of my cost being unavailable either to me or to my employer seems far in excess of what I am personally standing to gain from any public services and such that should be explained by said deficit.

So what? That is where I'm at right now. Does this actually say anything about what my particular worth is as an employee? My mind does somersaults to figure out not only what the total profit figure is for the company in a given year (this given year, 2011) but what part of that is even possible to pool back into employee compensation while keeping the company positioned to extend it's business infrastructure and continue as a profitable business. I have no idea. I know I am personally insulted by the compensation of sales management level employees because of their low quality of work and there seemingly low investment in the past and continued success of the company. What I need for my own selfish ends is perhaps an advocate. A lawyer, perhaps? There is quite a bit of money and some obvious waste in the company that certainly could be working to suppress my wages but I know I am also on the higher end of compensation in my department and that leads me to believe that there is a more systematic structure at work to keep wages low. But that doesn't in and of itself make the argument that my work is any more valuable than what it is currently "appreciated" to be. On a side note, "You are a valued employee" and other similar lines of corporate propaganda to make workers feel a part of a family always make me feel particularly uncomfortable. I am valued at a dollar level and the fact that the dollar level I am receiving is orders of magnitude lower than other employees isn't exactly inspirational!

So that's where I am. This all means something but it's a big ball of string and it may be beyond me to unspool it.

Dog Eating A Popsicle

2011-10-12T20:36:00.001-07:00

A heartwarming triumph.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL MAKES ME SAD

2011-10-09T14:41:00.000-07:00

I am a horrible blogger. But I'm better as a blogger than I am at other writing because, as little as I do it, I'm still more proficient as a blogger than as any other type of writer. But if there is one thing I'm good at, it's watching TV. I can watch the hell out of some TV. Especially if it's football on TV. The emerging theme of this season in college football (and to some extent the NFL) is that football in the state of Florida is no longer even able to pretend that it's the best. This is an untenable situation for my football viewing habits. I can't stand to have football in Florida be so bad for much longer and continue watching.

Well, there are some things I like in college football and there are some guys on the fringe/all the way outside of the Heisman race (as evidenced by the poll at heismanpundit.com) that I want to try my best to hype up. First, my new favorite name:

Whitney Mercilus, DE, Illinois
One of the ways I look for what games I want to watch is to peruse the stat leaders and look for players that are way up in certain categories. This guy plays for Illinois and their record is good but it's still Illinois and they're still coached by Zooker. It's a tough situation but what a great fucking name, am I right? He's got decent size and had a good 40 time on his Rivals page out of high school so Mercilus might have a future in the league. I'll be watching the Ohio State game next week to try and get an honest idea about the guy. Obviously he isn't a Heisman candidate but he's getting lots of sacks and TFLs so he should be up for a little bit of hardware in December.

Tyrann Mathieu, CB, LSU
Everybody who watches college football knows this guy by now but every week he makes some huge play or another and he looks like the annual defense/anti-Heisman favorite (it's usually the same guy but sometimes there's a defensive player that gets throwaway votes that is separate from the small school "rebel" candidate). He's probably more like a smaller Jairus Byrd than anyone else in the NFL but he'll end up in the first two rounds because of his production. Also, Jairus Byrd is really good so that isn't meant as an insult. He's only a sophomore and LSU is really good so you don't need much from me to hype him up. But he probably deserves legit Heisman consideration and he won't get it.

Lamar Miller, RB, Miami
I'm cheating a little bit here, also, because Lamar is a hype-machine just waiting for some wins. If the Canes had pulled out wins against Virginia Tech and Kansas State (they really should have, btw) Miller would be in the national discussion for the Heisman. He's a redshirt sophomore so he will probably be gone next year. Miami could have some trouble replacing him. I'm sticking with my Clinton Portis comparison for him. I really kind of hate Storm Johnson for fucking up the Hurricanes RB depth like he did. I'm expecting a 2,000 yard season from Storm next year.

Seantrel Henderson, T, Miami
Now is the time for front running. Art Kehoe and a healthy Seantrel should be enough for 9-10 wins next year in Coral Gables. Seantrel had one dumb penalty yesterday but was otherwise a fucking monster every play he was on the field. He reminds me of Orlando Pace a lot. He needs to lose some weight, though. Seantrel will be a top 5 draft pick if he stays healthy from here til he leaves school.

Robert Woods, WR, USC
He's pretty good. I've seen him play and I think he's a good pro prospect. So many underperforming Trojans in the league lately have made me weary of hyping any of them but Woods looks like a future Pro Bowler to me.

Bernard Pierce, RB, Temple/ Case Keenum, QB Houston
He's still out there. My feelings have faded but other people still haven't watched him play at all. His numbers will make people notice at the end of the year. This goes for both of these guys. Both will be gone after this season. Keenum will finally be forced to leave, Pierce will jump a year too early. Neither one will be much of a star in the NFL unless absolutely everything aligns perfectly. I'm not banking on it for either of them anymore.

OK, this is all pretty underwhelming but I wanted to start the process of following Mercilus. It's just too good of a name.

NO EQUIVOCATIONS: Ridiculous NFL Preview

2011-09-08T00:26:00.000-07:00

Look, this is not the NFL post that anybody wants to read. It is a dull procedural that would do well in primetime on CBS. However, it is not in primetime on CBS because it is a blog post.

TV Theme Songs - Law And Order

Are you ready for a year of low scores and terrible games? I don't have any reason to think this year will be like that but one should always prepare for the worst. You come here to read about college football, mostly, and to sell dick pills. But I write about all kinds of stuff here: being bored, being depressed, being football, being sure that Victor Ortiz will beat Money Mayweather. This NFL column is just one facet of who I am.

First off, let's get the table out of the way. I don't know how to craft a fancy table but I can do this:

American Football Conference - 2011
AFC East Team	W	L	Div
New England Patriots	12	4	6_0
New York Jets	9	7	3_3
Miami Dolphins	8	8	2_4
Buffalo Bills	6	10	1_5

AFC North Team	W	L	Div
Cleveland Browns	13	3	5_1
Pittsburgh Steelers	11	5	5_1
Baltimore Ravens	10	6	2_4
Cincinnati Bengals	0	16	0_6

AFC South Team	W	L	Div
Houston Texans	9	7	5_1
Indianapolis Colts	9	7	4_2
Tennessee Titans	6	10	3_3
Jacksonville Jaguars	2	14	0_6

AFC West Team	W	L	Div
San Diego Chargers	10	6	5_1
Oakland Raiders	10	6	4_2
Kansas City Chiefs	7	9	3_3
Denver Broncos	3	13	0_6

National Football Conference
NFC East Team	W	L	Div
Philadelphia Eagles	11	5	3_3
Washington Redskins	6	10	3_3
Dallas Cowboys	5	11	3_3
New York Giants	4	12	3_3

NFC North Team	W	L	Div
Green Bay Packers	14	2	5_1
Detroit Lions	9	7	3_3
Chicago Bears	8	8	3_3
Minnesota Vikings	4	12	1_5

NFC South Team	W	L	Div
New Orleans Saints	13	3	4_2
Atlanta Falcons	12	4	4_2
Tampa Bay Buccaneers	11	5	4_2
Carolina Panthers	1	15	0_6

NFC West Team	W	L	Div
Arizona Cardinals	13	3	6_0
San Francisco 49ers	9	7	3_3
St. Louis Rams	6	10	2_4
Seattle Seahawks	6	10	1_5

Now, the first thing that will probably stand out here is that everything I've got in the table above is complete nonsense. I will be thrilled for Panthers fans if their team can go 1-15 and only be the second worst team in the league. The entire NFC East is at .500 in their division. Cleveland is the top seed in the AFC! Wonders never cease. This is all silly. I get fascinated by particular teams and then get to the end and realize it's probably not going to happen. Last year I had the 49ers at 13-3. So the Browns can look forward to that.
I didn't do the kind of research or “projecting” to have any room to say the things that follow but I will predict the awards:

MVP: Aaron Rodgers, QB, Packers
DPOY: Nnamdi Asomugha
ROY: Julio Jones
Rushing leader: Darren McFadden
Peyton Manning will come back after the Colts bye-week.
Ricky Williams will out-gain Ray Rice on the year.
Green Bay will repeat as champs by beating San Diego in the Super Bowl.
Millions will take the Browns to the Super Bowl but the team still won't make it.

I hate you all, good night!

NCAA 2011 FOOTBALL: Eve of Destruction

2011-08-31T23:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this post is a little bit of a disaster. I had planned to roll out my big brand new plan for the season: predict only once at the beginning of the year every single game outcome and then stick to it. Nothing changes week-to-week. So what's the problem? I don't know how to edit the documents I used to use on my new computer. So it's taking way too long to put the schedule into a format that I can write over. If any of you Chinese or Russian purveyors of dick pills that read and comment on my site could help me out with excel or word documents with the entire FBS schedule on them, I would be forever grateful. I don't want helmets, TV schedules, highlighted bullshit, FCS schedules or any other bullshit. Just something I can use right out of the box. Maybe I'll work on this problem tomorrow myself but I think I know better. Anyway, I've cast my die and will now sort it out as we go. I should have done this all last week. So, enough with the set up, on to the terrible stuff.

National Champion:
University of Miami Hurricanes
Reasons this doesn't count: I'm a homer and I'm just predicting this the same way I do every year. There is the obvious specter of probation shadowing this team. They are weak at QB and they play Ohio State without Ray-Ray Armstrong. Seantrel Henderson is out for at least the first half of the season.
Reasons it could happen: Lamar Miller. Al Golden. The universe will bend itself around my head. It's the secret!

Backup plan (besides Navy):
Wisconsin Badgers
I don't really have a good reason for this but when I plotted out my wins and losses for the year, Wisky came up undefeated. They are the only team (other than Navy & Miami) that did. Do I believe it? Nope. It's possible but I think I had Auburn pegged as a 7-6 team last year. Basically, this is the dart that hit closest to the center for me. Russell Wilson is involved so expect Wisconsin to not fare particularly well.

Heisman Winner:
Lamar Miller, RB, Miami - Yeah right. Well, they should run him a bunch this week so we'll get some idea. If he gets 15-20 carries against Maryland, forget it. He won't see the ball enough to take home the hardware and Miami won't win enough games for it to matter. I want him to be up in the big names section of the year-in-reviews next January. He's huge and as fast as Willis McGahee used to be.

Other Dudes I'm Watching:
Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford - Yeah, no shit. The Cardinal should be about as good as last year so they might actually contend for the national championship. Which is crazy. The Pac 12 isn't great, I don't suppose, so that should help and come in handy for this kid. He's really good.

Ronnie Hillman, RB, San Diego State - Marshall Faulk was a huge deal in college and he never won it. San Diego State is even more of an afterthought now than it was then. The coach is gone. I'd be surprised, all things considered, if this guy isn't in the top 5 in the country in YPG. He's fun to watch but this is a West Coast only affair so he probably won't get any notice whatsoever until the end of the year when someone looks up and says, "Holy shit! There's a sophomore in San Diego that's rushed for almost 3 billion yards and scored 400 TDs this year! I discovered him!" That person will be Dan Wetzel. Fuck that guy.

Manti Te'o, LB, Notre Dame - Somebody has to be a candidate at a position that has no chance to win, somebody from Notre Dame has to be a candidate, and all the DL talent infused in South Bend will help this guy more than anybody. He needs a TD or two early on to really get notice but he might get the throwaway invite to New York at the end of the year just because he'll have like 180 tackles on the year even if he doesn't get turnovers or sacks. I'm not saying he won't get turnovers and sacks, just that it isn't necessarily what will get him to New York. Being the sparkplug for an inevitably over-rated Notre Dame team will get it. Also, Michael Floyd is there but he will do something dumb and miss at least 3 games. He's also a WR and they don't have a shot unless they return kicks or play CB.

Landry Jo... Just stop it. I will absolutely not support a cog like this as a candidate. That double goes for the chunky lesbian who takes snaps for Boise State. Don't buy the hype on that kid, he isn't an all-time great.

Michael Dyer, RB, Auburn - He's a bad mo'fo but there's no chance in hell another War Eagle wins it this year. No way. I'm also not sure he will get enough carries just because it seems like spread RBs don't get enough carries.

LaMichael James, RB, Oregon - All that shit I said for Dyer goes for LaMichael James, too. He's awesome. He'll be a decent pro RB. He won't get as many yards or TDs this year as he had last year.

Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama - Might get suspended at some point because it seems really likely that his family has some close ties to at least one booster. Alabama goes out of their way to not let anyone be bigger than the team. Richardson will be the best NFL back since Adrian Peterson, though, so there's a shot he gets some burn. He's on a legit title contender.

Matt Barkley, QB, USC - He's pretty good. He's very well publicized.

Justin Blackmon isn't going to win shit. Get ready for a dumb suspension. Alshon Jeffery is the best WR in the country anyway. Fuck the Big 12 and any stats compiled in that league. There has got to be a B1G candidate out there but I can't say Dennard Robinson. It just wouldn't make sense. I'll get back to you on that one.

Surprise Teams:
I like SMU as the off-brand team of the year. TCU and Boise can't be the bottom feeding kings forever. I like Louisville to win the Big East. USF could also take the most borderline of BCS conferences. Both Louisville and USF are loaded with kids from Florida. Houston should bounce back but I'm not sure they'll be much of a surprise even if they win 10 games. I like Georgia to come back to life this year. I don't think they have any chance to win the SEC but they could be a 10 win team. Also, they have my top Heisman contending freshman. I've got San Jose State winning 8 games. That surprised me. I'd bet it would surprise other people as well.

That's all for now. I'll be back. I might post my notated schedule tomorrow but don't count on it.

Here is the season in a nutshell (no, not really but this is spectacular even though it was filmed on a burning VHS camcorder):

The Not So Great Depression

2011-06-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

Is it possible for one to just will themself to be cured of depression? Would it help if said depression had never been diagnosed due to a confluence of factors including never having spoken a word to a doctor about the subject? I'm pretty sure I would get medication for depression if I went to a doctor about it but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to sit home alone playing video games and jacking off non-stop while considering words I'd like to write and sell for profit and dream about a better life with a better home and a car with all the bells and whistles like a valid registration and insurance. When my lady is home we watch TV and I feel like I should be writing. When she's not I watch TV and feel like I should be writing. I've considered taking up smoking but I don't like tobacco. I've got this idea in my head now that being depressed and being fat are converging and feeding each other. Depression is the yeast and fat is the, um, fatty substance that feeds the yeast? So I've decided that if I work out a few times a week and lose some weight I'll get back to the svelte figger I had back about 5 years ago when I was running 3 or 6 miles 3 times a week. And doing capoeira. And then I'll be happier. And then the words will flow. Does this idea make sense? I am not a doctor. I am not even a writer though I sometimes purport to be. In other instances I'm a painter. Mostly I'm just a fat slovenly Walter Mitty-type drowning in a sea of brokenness and brokeness. Sports! The grainy sneezed on nature of this clip seems fitting to me so I'll stop looking for a decent quality version of it:

Michelle Obama Has It Right

2011-05-02T21:36:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while but I am smitten with the new NBA Fit campaign featuring Michelle Obama. I'm a big fan of getting kids to be more active. The last thing this country needs is more fat lazy fucks like myself. You tell 'em Lady O!

I pulled this great screengrab from the video. Get Fit, everybody!

Let's Try To Explain Things

2010-10-30T08:54:00.000-07:00

I've left the prognosticating business indefinitely. Why? Because I got really depressed about college football following losses by Miami and Notre Dame. Both have two losses now. Eyehateeverrthang. I had a plan to start writing about the Heisman race but I don't even have an opposing view to shove out there. I could dedicate myself to writing a blog tearing down Kellen Moore but that's about it. LaMichael James and Cam Newton are awesome. I love to watch Denard Robinson. Matt Barkley deserves a little bit of attention and Justin Blackmon might need to be knocked down a few pegs at this point. My viewpoint on the race this year IS the mainstream view. I think I'll be petty happy with the winner, whoever it ends up being. I don't even hate Terrelle Pryor as a candidate. Just Kellen Moore. He is, as has bothered me with candidates (& winnars) in the past, not even the best player on his own team. Titus Young, bitches! Titus Fucking Young! So that's that. No more excitement about writing when I don't have an opposing viewpoint. I am a hater.

I'll tell you one thing, this song is about syrup:

Do you agree? Just because they look like the Black Eyed Peas with their stupid little clothes and "hot girl" in the group (just to be clear, Fergie is not hot) and their terrible dancing and unnecessarily glossy video doesn't mean they aren't contributing to the transformation of "fly" from meaning cool to meaning hammered. They even reference the song that started that slide in the hook. I stand by it. These little kids are talking about what all little kids are talking about these days: doing drugs. Ah, well, it's all I cared about when I was young enough to still hope for the future.

Go Hurricanes! Go Middies! Hoya Saxa!

NFL WEEK 5 - Love Lifts Us Where We Belong

2010-10-10T10:02:00.000-07:00

Football sucks. There, I said it. I mean, it's better than doing dumb stuff like talking to friends and family or being active outdoors but it's terrible. The Miami Hurricanes just got blown out. See? It's terrible. I'm just gonna fling darts at these games and home I come up with the same type of results I had last week. 10-4 picking last week's winners (36-26 overall now) and I have no memory of anything that happened.

Week 5

SUN, OCT 10

Jacksonville at Buffalo - Jacksonville's riding high on their home victory over the Colts last week where a fan fell off the stadium from inside. Buffalo is considering going 0-16. I think this is the Bills only chance at a win but I only know for sure that the Bills have 5 players on their roster. Still going to pick home team Buffalo to win in home stadium.

Tampa Bay at Cincinnati - Tampa Bay! Tampa Bay! If I could find a good video of the Bucs owner's speech after winning the Super Bowl it would've gone here.

Atlanta at Cleveland - Atlanta's actually good, I think.

St. Louis at Detroit - The two worst teams from last year facing off. It's the Suh vs. Bradford battle that college football fans didn't get last year.

Kansas City at Indianapolis - Wow, Indy, you sure sucked last week. The Chiefs can win if they just keep running. NFL coaches aren't that good with football, though, so expect Matt Cassell to go something like 16-40 with 3 INTs. The Chiefs being undefeated has gone on just about long enough, now.

Green Bay at Washington - Green Bay did a great job of hiding their suckiness throughout the offseason when people were expecting to contend for the Super Bowl. Washington is probably a little better than most prognosticators expected. Not by much, though, and this game seems to be a matchup of near equals. Mediocrity forever!

Chicago at Carolina - Mediocrity forever!

Denver at Baltimore - Don't listen to anyone that tries to tell you Baltimore's offense is anything other than horrendous. They are wrong or lying or both. And, yet, the Ravens are probably the best team in the league.

NY Giants at Houston - The Gaints are worse than I ever thought they'd be. The Texans rely a lot more on a WR than most people realize. Andre Johnson is hurt but will probably play.

New Orleans at Arizona - Max Hall will prove you wrong, whatever you may have though of him.

San Diego at Oakland - Still don't think that much of the Chargers. Even though I know how little I think of the Raiders, it seems like a good week for the silver & black.

Tennessee at Dallas - Bunch of bullshit...

Philadelphia at San Francisco - Fuck this game.

MON, OCT 11

Minnesota at NY Jets - I can't wait for the reaction when Favre is announced at the beginning of the game and the picture on your TV is a text of his cock. Randy Moss is back where he belongs!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL WEEK 6: Big Week For The Home Teams

2010-10-07T23:24:00.000-07:00

Things are in a bad way for my prognostication career. 33-19 last week means I'm still losing ground and I'm already 0-1 for this week. I've got two games that will not count because the Golden Rule here at laugh-o is "College football played prior to Thursday is an envisible tree falling in an abandoned wood." Those games don't count.

UPDATEL I'll do it romorrow. I'm tirerd

Tuesday, October 5
Troy 42, Middle Tennessee 13
Wednesday, October 6
UCF 42, UAB 7
Thursday, October 7
No. 7 Nebraska 48, Kansas State 13

Friday, October 8
Connecticut at Rutgers - This should be a better game than it is.
No. 22 Oklahoma State at Louisiana-Lafayette - That man named Kendall needs a bunch of TDs to put himself into any sort of discussion. Right now I'm considering not finishing this article. Everything is, in fact, terrible.
Saturday, October 9
Indiana at No. 2 Ohio State - So want to pick Indiana.
Minnesota at No. 20 Wisconsin
Syracuse at South Florida
Boston College at North Carolina State
Illinois at Penn State
Central Michigan at Virginia Tech
Western Michigan at Ball State
Temple at Northern Illinois
Baylor vs. Texas Tech*
Tennessee at Georgia
Colorado State at No. 25 Air Force
Memphis at Louisville
Bowling Green at Ohio
No. 1 Alabama at No. 19 South Carolina
Wyoming at No. 5 TCU
No. 11 Arkansas vs. Texas A&M*
No. 17 Michigan State at No. 18 Michigan - Shoelace needs 600yds total offense to really pull ahead of the Heisman pack.
UCLA at California
Virginia at Georgia Tech
Pittsburgh at Notre Dame
Clemson at North Carolina
UNLV at West Virginia
Western Kentucky at Florida International
Akron at Kent State
Army at Tulane
Utah State at Louisiana Tech
No. 3 Oregon at Washington State - Might be one of the biggest blowouts of all time. Washington State beat UCLA for about 2.5 quarters last week. LaMichael James will strangle the daylights out of the Coogs.
Oregon State at No. 9 Arizona
San Diego State at Brigham Young - It's Ronnie Hillman time! I want him to be the next Marshall Faulk but I have to believe that BYU is going to pull up out of the full on nosedive they've been doing.
Navy at Wake Forest - Go Middies!
No. 10 Utah at Iowa State - Utah has been very good in the recent past. I have no opinions to offer on the current squad but I'm pretty sure they're better than the Cyclones.
Colorado at No. 24 Missouri - Ugh
Eastern Michigan at Vanderbilt
Arkansas State at North Texas
Miami (OH) at Cincinnati
Florida Atlantic at Louisiana-Monroe
No. 8 Auburn at Kentucky - Every time I choose the Auburn game for the week the words "most over-rated team in America" ring through my head.
No. 12 LSU at No. 14 Florida - Harder to pick than it would seem if you're opinion of LSU is formed by blogs and sportswriters. LSU has looked awful and won. Florida has looked horrible and won, too, but they also lost to Alabama last week. There's only one sure thing in this game: depression.
Purdue at Northwestern
East Carolina at Southern Miss
Toledo at No. 4 Boise State
No. 23 Florida State at No. 13 Miami (FL) - Another week another "this could be the most important game of the season for Miami!"
USC at No. 16 Stanford - Nothing is over, Stanford. Nothing!
New Mexico at New Mexico State
Mississippi State at Houston
Tulsa at Southern Methodist
Rice at UTEP
Arizona State at Washington
Hawaii at Fresno State
San Jose State at No. 21 Nevada

ON LAZINESS

2010-10-07T07:38:00.000-07:00

I won't make it home in time for a proper post before the Nebraska - Kansas State game so I'm doing a short one from my phone. Kansas State gets my upset pick for tonight. Nebraska can't run the table and now seems like a great time to lose. The Heisman is currently a 2-man race between Denard Robinson and LaMichael James. Dark horses include Colin Kaepernick and Patrick Peterson. Navy might now even beat Notre Dame. I can't get stupid blogger to work on my android phone & that pisses me off.

NFL WEEK 4: The Big Comeback

2010-10-03T01:51:00.000-07:00

OK, so I may not be the equal of a farm animal when I make picks. I thought I was playing safe last week and it didn't work out so well. I went 7-9 (26-22 on the year). I wish I could say I felt improvement but I am at a loss from game to game, on a weekly basis. I don't care enough. I might be sliding back towards disinterest in football now that I don't have a current copy of Madden, NFL Sunday Ticket, or 168 hours/week of free time. Ugh. It's a life, though, I guess. Here's the games for this week.

SUN, OCT 3
San Francisco at Atlanta - San Francisco was my "breakout team that nobody really cares about" in my preseason rankings and here they are the first team to fire a coach. They appear to be a bit of a mess. I don't trust them on the road at St. Louis, and Atlanta's a good team. A team with a coach "on the bus." I thought Matt Ryan was garbage in college but I like him in the pros. This seems like an easy pick.

Cincinnati at Cleveland - It makes sense to me that Cleveland would run 50 times/game and distribute those carries between 3 or 4 backs. I don't run an NFL team and the Cleveland coaching staff seems hell-bent on throwing it no matter what level of re-tread they have behind center. Cincinnati has been a bust on offense and Ced Benson looks very much like the one-year wonder most people had to expect him to be. 1,000 yds is in reach, but so is a 3.1 yd avg. Great stuff. Go Ohio!

NY Jets at Buffalo - Buffalo is terrible and Mark Saanchez actually looks pretty good so far.

Seattle at St. Louis - There will be two head coaches in this game with no track record of success in the NFL at the head coach position. Somebody has to win, though, and St. Louis got their win for the first half of the season last week.

Denver at Tennessee - These are teams that look like they will never put it together this season. I like Demariyous Thomas and Chris Johnson. Decisions, decisions to make.

Detroit at Green Bay - Holy shit did Green Bay fuck up last week. There is probably not a particularly dominant team this year. Looks like a good year for Baltimore to win it again. Green Bay can't run for shit but Detroit can't do anything particularly well.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh - Joe Flacco might be more Rick Mirer than Joe Montana. Pittsburgh is overdue for a correction but they won't be nearly as bad as I predicted in the preseason.

Carolina at New Orleans - Carolina is a contender for the top pick in the draft next April. New Orleans should have a good workout.

Indianapolis at Jacksonville - If Indianapolis loses this game, Peyton Manning should announce his retirement before heading to the locker room.

Houston at Oakland - Good lord, when will it be over? The Raiders don't have a lot of talent to show for all those high picks they've made in recent years.

Washington at Philadelphia - Here it is! I could've sworn this was a night game but I see from it's place on the schedule that it is, in fact, not. Donovan McNabb deserves to beat Philly just because the idiot fans in Philly still don't understand that he is their best QB in 60 years.

Arizona at San Diego - Both teams will try their damndest to lose but the lukewarm responses of San Diego stadium attendees (those aren't fans) will be just enough to lift them up to less failure. A win's a win, right?

Chicago at NY Giants - The Bears are a train wreck that hasn't happened yet and the Giants are a train that wrecked in an uncharted region of desert that has been kept mostly under wraps. Word is getting out. But the Bears need to lose and I will pick them to lose every week until they do. And then for 3 more weeks after just for good measure.

MON, OCT 4
New England at Miami - Don't care.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL WEEK 5 -the road

2010-09-30T02:46:00.000-07:00

UPDATE - I have lost all my work 3 times now so I'm not writing up shit. Just picks. Sorry, this is not a very good read. Have a happy October.

My picks for last week were horrible. I went 41-17, I've already lost track of my yearly total, and I skipped like 4 games (those count as losses). This week I'm late and this will be super-rushed. I'm gonna pick first and then go back and write my capsules. The Heisman goes like this for me right now:

1) Denard Robinson
2) Colin Kaepernick
3) Ronnie Hillman
4) Russell Wilson
5) Patrick Peterson

Did I spell all those names correctly?

Thursday, September 30

Texas A&M at Oklahoma State - Just because A&M is over-rated without even being rated.
Friday, October 1
Brigham Young at Utah State
Saturday, October 2
No. 2 Ohio State at Illinois
Louisiana-Monroe at No. 10 Auburn
No. 16 Miami (FL) at Clemson
Vanderbilt at Connecticut
Northwestern at Minnesota
Kentucky at Mississippi
Kansas at Baylor
Florida State at Virginia
Alcorn State at Mississippi State
Temple at Army
Ohio at Eastern Michigan
Kent State at Miami (OH)
No. 5 TCU at Colorado State
Tulane at Rutgers
Idaho at Western Michigan
Navy at Air Force
No. 21 Texas vs. No. 8 Oklahoma*
No. 11 Wisconsin at No. 24 Michigan State
Tennessee at No. 12 LSU
No. 19 Michigan at Indiana
Virginia Tech at No. 23 North Carolina State
Washington State at UCLA
East Carolina at North Carolina
Buffalo at Bowling Green
Florida International at Pittsburgh
Ball State at Central Michigan
Duke at Maryland
UTEP at New Mexico
Northern Illinois at Akron
Arizona State at Oregon State
Georgia at Colorado
Florida Atlantic at South Florida
Texas Tech at Iowa State
Georgia Tech at Wake Forest
Tulsa at Memphis
Southern Methodist at Rice
Louisville at Arkansas State
Wyoming at Toledo
Louisiana-Lafayette at North Texas
No. 7 Florida at No. 1 Alabama
No. 3 Boise State at New Mexico State
No. 9 Stanford at No. 4 Oregon
Washington at No. 18 USC
UC Davis at San Jose State
Notre Dame at Boston College
Marshall at Southern Miss
No. 22 Penn State at No. 17 Iowa
No. 25 Nevada at UNLV
Cal Poly at Fresno State
Louisiana Tech at Hawaii

NFL WEEK 3: Worse Late Than Never

2010-09-26T01:06:00.000-07:00

You know, if you want to do well in fantasy football or write interesting things about the NFL, you really have to pay attention to what's happening in the league. I've done that in the past. Last season? I had League Pass and watched everything. This season? I haven't watched more than 20 minutes of any single game. Hopefully I can get in some serious viewing time tomorrow but I'm not counting on it. I went 10-6 week 1 and thought that sucked. I went 9-7 last week. A lot's riding on this one! 19-13 is weak when you only pick winners. These are gonna be brief since I'm about to pass out. It's breast cancer awareness week here at the Comedy Corporation. Are you aware of breast cancer? It sucks.

SUN, SEP 26
Tennessee at NY Giants - Tennessee sucked last week. I expect a decent season from both of these teams but I think the Giants have an edge here at home.

Pittsburgh at Tampa Bay - I hate the Steelers. KII for the win!

Cincinnati at Carolina - Two teams that make no sense to me. Jimmy Clausen is starting. Remember how much I liked him at Notre Dame? I still like him in the long run. Maybe I will find out some things about him tomorrow but I doubt it. Donovan McNabb was the worst QB ever as a rookie and Rick Mirer looked like a HOFer.

Cleveland at Baltimore - Cleveland signed Jake Delhomme to be their starting QB and drafted Colt McCoy with an eye to the future. Colt McCoy offers no future and Jake Delhomme doesn't even play football anymore. Joe Flacco is picking up where Rick Mirer left off in Seattle.

Dallas at Houston - Houston seems so mirage-like to me. Of course, I'm sure there were lots of people who thought that about the Saints last year. They were wrong and I'm not, though, so that helps me take the against-the-grain angle here and say Dallas evens things out a little this week.

San Francisco at Kansas City - This game seems awful.

Detroit at Minnesota - Adrian Peterson owes the world some big yardage here.

Buffalo at New England - Buffalo might end up a 2 win team. New England looked old and stupid against the Jets last week. I wish Buffalo could win but they don't even have enough football players under contract to field 11 players per side. I think.

Atlanta at New Orleans - I was half right about Atlanta v. Arizona last week. Atlanta scored a ton. This week... Neither team runs it up. New Orleans will win in the last 5 minutes of the game.

Washington at St. Louis - Bradford's OK, McNabb's OK, everything sucks. Seems like a good time for the Rams to get in one of their wins for the year.

Philadelphia at Jacksonville - Vick was good against Detroit, the Internet was perplexed by Andy Reid's waffling early this week and Jacksonville doesn't have a lot of people expecting anything from them. Jacksonville is probably better than most people realize.

Oakland at Arizona - Worst game ever. Arizona is back to their historically proper place and the Raiders can play some defense. Derek Anderson or the Raiders? I'll go with the home team.

San Diego at Seattle - Pete Carroll will get fired or quit before the end of next season.

Indianapolis at Denver - Toughest call of the week. I'm going to take Denver and the points. I don't really know what the spread or the over/under is on this game but TEBOW!

NY Jets at Miami - Ahh, the night game. I won't watch it, I bet. Any takers?

MON, SEP 27
Green Bay at Chicago - I saw Brent Musberger trying to hype this game today. I know the Bears beat Dallas last week but Dallas is a collection of weak-willed individuals. Green Bay is a team.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL WEEK 4

2010-09-23T00:26:00.000-07:00

I am getting better, I think. I've tried to watch as much college football as possible this year because I am apparently not allowed to watch the NFL. The fact that I am out of the house literally 70 hours/week for work alone apparently does not justify spending any extra time at home doing shit that I want to do. I went 48-10 last week and if I were picking against the spread I would have been close to undefeated. My L's were not particularly egregious. Miami's back this week, though, so reason is gone by the wayside.

I will never have the time I need to do the research (NOOOOOOO!!!!) necessary to do the Heisman thing the way I did last year. Here's my Big Five as of right now, without support or substantiation:

1.) Denard Robinson, QB, Michigan - He's pretty far ahead right now but he is far from unbeatable at this point. At what point does he become unbeatable? 2700yds passing, 2000yds rushing, and a win against Ohio State.
2.) Colin Kaepernick, QB, Nevada - The most fun I've had watching a player so far this year was the little bit of the game last week between Nevada and Cal. Boise St might get flambeed by this feller.
3.) LaMichael James, RB, Oregon - I hope he breaks 2000yds in the 11 games he plays this year.
4.) Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford - This is my only projection vote. He put up amazing numbers against Wake Forest but NAIA opponents don't count for much. He hasn't done that well in the time I've seen him but I I saw him be awesome last year and Stanford is way more loaded than most people realized in the preseason (when they seemed to be the chic pick for "team in the top25 that doesn't deserve it").
5.) Daniel Thomas, RB, Kansas State - Has the look of a 3 year star in the NFL. He's huge as a college back and puts up pretty good numbers. I was tempted to put Ronnie Hillman (RB, SDSU) or Bernard Pierce (RB, Temple) here but Thomas has better production right now.

Terrelle Pryor and Ryan Mallett are not my favorite players to watch. Mallett might actually be much better than I expected him to be but I still don't want him on my TV and I still don't think he will be a wise draft choice next year in the NFL. Terrelle Pryor is about the 5th best player on his own team.

Thursday, September 23

No. 19 Miami (FL) at Pittsburgh - Fuck you, Stache!
Friday, September 24
No. 4 TCU at Southern Methodist - I'll have you know that I did consider picking TCU.
Saturday, September 25
Austin Peay at No. 11 Wisconsin - Goddammit did Wisconsin deserve to lose last week. John Clay is off my radar at this point.
Ball State at No. 18 Iowa - Iowa will win with 13 points,
Bowling Green at No. 21 Michigan - Michigan is going to get corrected soon. I hope Denard Robinson continues to put up crazy numbers.
Northern Colorado at No. 25 Michigan State - Sparty sucks
Buffalo at Connecticut - This is close to a pick 'em for me. UConn is trashy even by current Big East standards.
North Carolina State at Georgia Tech - Georgia Tech can be stopped really easily by athletic defenses. Good thing for them they don't have to play anyone like that this week.
Central Michigan at Northwestern - Central Michigan is the good one!
Virginia Tech at Boston College - I wonder when the last time these two teams played and neither was ranked.
Florida International at Maryland - Don't think for a second that this is a sure thing.
Toledo at Purdue - I saw that Marve got hurt but I don't know how seriously.
UAB at Tennessee - Wow, UT sucks.
UCF at Kansas State
Virginia Military Institute at Virginia - UVa is a mess but this is a win, at least.
Miami (OH) at Missouri - Miami OH hasn't been good since Big Ben was raping chicks around campus.
Air Force at Wyoming - Awesome, tough game. I'm not crazy!
No. 20 USC at Washington State - Wuldn't it be the best if WSU could win?
Army at Duke - The less you know...
No. 1 Alabama at No. 10 Arkansas - Bama really doesn't look great to me so far. I want them to end Mallett's career in a practical sense.
Eastern Michigan at No. 2 Ohio State - Tough game.
UCLA at No. 7 Texas - Texas might look like poopy pee pee on offense but they could force upwards of 10 TO's in this contest of football playing.
No. 16 Stanford at Notre Dame - I want this to be another 60 point blowout.
Temple at No. 23 Penn State - Bernard Peirce in the building!
Wake Forest at Florida State - The only sure thing in a matchup of ACC school is that neither team is very good.
North Carolina at Rutgers
Colgate at Syracuse - Toothpaste wars!
Tulane at Houston - Houston went from doomed to suped doomored the second Case Keenum went out.
Colgate at Arkansas State at Troy
Idaho at Colorado State
No. 8 Oklahoma at Cincinnati
Nevada at Brigham Young
South Dakota State at No. 6 Nebraska - My eyes are gluing shut.
Kentucky at No. 9 Florida - God I hope I don't have to watch this.
Northern Iowa at Iowa State
Akron at Indiana
Central Arkansas at Tulsa
Ohio at Marshall
Middle Tennessee at Louisiana-Lafayette
Georgia at Mississippi State
North Texas at Florida Atlantic
New Mexico State at Kansas
Southern Miss at Louisiana Tech
Southeastern Louisiana at Louisiana-Monroe
Western Kentucky at South Florida
Fresno State at Mississippi
No. 12 South Carolina at No. 17 Auburn
No. 24 Oregon State at No. 3 Boise State TWO hugely overrated teams in this one.
San Jose State at No. 13 Utah - #13? Really?
Utah State at San Diego State - Hillman 4 Prez!
Baylor at Rice
Northern Illinois at Minnesota
No. 22 West Virginia at No. 15 LSU
Memphis at UTEP
California at No. 14 Arizona
New Mexico at UNLV
No. 5 Oregon at Arizona State
Charleston Southern at Hawaii

That's all.

THE WEEK TO COME: NFL WEEK 2 PREVIEW

2010-09-17T22:04:00.000-07:00

If you had any stock in Kevin Kolb, week 1 was a disaster for you. I personally expected Kolb to be this year's newly anointed superstar. Maybe week 3 can help with that. My game picks were a mediocre 10-6, good enough to make the playoffs or even win the NFC West by 6 games, but not exactly Super Bowl contending material. I was correct in saying you should have started every offensive player you could in the Houston v. Indy game but then bizarrely highlighted Philadelphia against Green Bay. Be careful what you do with this opinformation I'm giving you. Remember, these are not picks against the spread just straight up winners & losers. Just understand what you're getting from the comedy corporation.

SUN, SEP 19Pittsburgh at Tennessee
Pittsburgh eeked out a shitty win in week 1. I don’t think my 6-10 is going to come true for them but there’s still time. Chris Johnson might be the truth and I’m definitely a fan. Mr. Heisman-Runner-Up to (Redacted) has turned it all the way around, I believe. I can’t pick the Steelers and that’s probably more my heart than my head but Dennis Dixon vs. the Titans? Remember the Titans?
Miami at Minnesota
This is a weird game because on the face of it the Vikings should win easily. But they looked rough last week against the Saints and the Dolphins are a decent team. I’m calling it a win for Miami and a ton of over-reaction for the Vikings. The best play in this game is probably Ronnie Brown or Ricky Williams but I don’t know which one and you don’t either. Favre and Henne will both be OK but I would be surprised if there’s a lot of offense in this game.
Arizona at Atlanta
Here’s where the offense will be. Look for Matt Ryan to have his best game ever. And the defenses aren’t bad, keep in mind, it’s just that these two teams will try to engage each other in a track meet. I’m guessing, obviously, because there isn’t a lot of data to go on, but I think the over is a good bet and the stud WRs will all be good plays, as will Michael Turner.
Baltimore at Cincinnati
This game will be terrible. Look at the Jets game last week and expect almost the same everything from the Ravens this week. I’m sitting Ced Benson where I own him, so I’ll be looking for a 200-yd, 6 TD performance out of him.
Kansas City at Cleveland
This one actually should be pretty fun to watch. It should be good for about 500 yds of rushing combined for the two teams since they are both loaded at RB and horrible at QB.
Chicago at Dallas
Dallas is the perfect team to choke out a loss here but I bet the Bears won’t let them. I’m going all in with the Cowboys players from a fantasy perspective. I won’t look up the line but I’d take the Cowboys and the under, just on a gut feeling. Line’s probably 22 with an over/under of 23.

Philadelphia at Detroit
Vick vs. the Lions. Vick's more familiar with fighting against dogs but this time around he won't end up in prison. Philly rightfully gets the highlight this week and Vick will probably be the permanent starter by the end of week 3. I might like to see this game but will probably go frolic with puppies or buy a balloon instead. It's Sunday, you know? You gotta take advantage of your times off.

Buffalo at Green Bay
I didn't mean to pick against Green bay last week. I'm not sure why I did. They should be able to score 50 this week, so use your Packers players wisely. If you are starting even a single Buffalo Bill, right down to whoever is kicking for them, you are losing.

Tampa Bay at Carolina
Awful Bowl 2010. They play each other twice a year so... I don't know. Avoid this game twice a year? I love KII. He's good. Supposedly Matt Moore is good but I have no reason to believe it and I don't feel the need to find out if it's true at this point. Maybe when it's colder.

Seattle at Denver
This is the most boring seeming thing I could do with a Sunday afternoon. The Squawks wrecked the 49ers last week but the Bills have had a bunch of great starts to seasons in the last 10 years and they never left the basement level of the league's standings. I'm starting Kyle Orton this week, I'll tell you that much. Keep an eye on Deon Butler for Seattle. If he gets more than 1 target a game he might score more than 1 TD. I'm also interested to see if the fat Mike Williams is now a legitimate NFL player or if Pete Carroll just gave him the looks in week 1 to fuck with him later on. Denver will win forever on Petey in this game.

St. Louis at Oakland
The Battle of Los Angeles! Darren McFadden had his best game of the year last week so look for Michael Bush to get the carries this week. I didn't mean DMC had his best game so far, I'm counting on that being the best game he has all year. Sam Bradford looked good last week but threw a bunch of INTs. I think he'll be a good pro but, for this year, he's going to continue to toss those INTs around like business cards.

Houston at Washington
This is a fascinating match up. The perhaps entirely lumpen Washington Redskins aren't built very well for very many matchups in the NFL but I think they can handle the Texans fairly well. Except for Andre Johnson. That guy needs to make up for last week. I really don't know if anyone is worth a start on the Redskins. I'm picking them to get their second straight upset before the losing kicks in.

New England at NY Jets
New England wins easily and they only win one way, so figure Wes Welker and Randy Moss both go for 120+ yds in addition to whatever other yards the other skill guys get so figure for yourself what that means for Brady's numbers, Einstein. After 2 weeks, the Champs will be 0-2 with 2 conference losses, 2 home losses and an 0-1 divisional record. Let's hear it for the champs!

Jacksonville at San Diego
I'm tempted to take the Alualu's. Jacksonville might not reach the dregs this year. They might not. Ryan Mathews is going to get his yards, though. David Garrard is not entirely awfulness. He's not even really bad but he's also noot great. Doesn't he have Croehn's or something? I think he does. Something like that. Hurray for him being a hero. I'm just delaying for myself the final decision I must make. Forget it - I'm going with another road team.

NY Giants at Indianapolis
For all the annoyance that will be created by Eli vs. Peyton (what's the drill with those Peyton is injured rumors, btw?) this looks like one of the best regular season matchups possible this year. I hate the Giants but I think they're the only NY/NJ team with a shot at playing in this year's Super Bowl. I really like their offensive personnel. The Colts are letting their dominance slip away by having Jim Caldwell coaching the team. They'll string it along OK this season if Peyton holds up. But they are on some rotten ice. The Giants could rush for about 300 yds in this game.

MON, SEP 20New Orleans at San Francisco
My heart's not in this pick at all. New Orleans makes me like the NFL but San Francisco was my preseason league shocker pick. Looks like the 49ers are going to be the ones getting fisted, however, by the league. They might like that, who knows?, but you don't have to stand for it. Poor organization in the 49ers offices let the whole offseason go by without grabbing Donovan McNabb or Jason Campbell while they were available. The defense is great but might get burned by bad offense. At least until the OC is gone. This won't be the blowout week 1 made it seem like it should be but the Saints shouldn't have to sweat too much, either. Pierre Thomas ftw.

Good night and good luck with your fantasy and gambling strategies.

College Football WEEK 3 - The Worst Week of the Season

2010-09-15T22:13:00.000-07:00

Horrible week for me last week. I went 51-19 (118-31 overall) and the Hurricanes looked downright fraudulent in what will apparently be their only regular season game against a legit power team. I think we can write off Pitt and FSU at this point. North Carolina and Georgia Tech are damaged goods, as well. Navy is struggling and a Michigan guy is the clear-cut early season zeitgeist-grabbing player. I don’t really have anything against Michigan but I wish I could believe in Denard Robinson to last the whole season and I wish I could expect a little better team record for a Heisman contender. The Wolverines are gonna lose 5. The ACC and the Big East are looking like the dregs of college football right now. I still don’t have much of a grasp on what to expect from week to week. One of my losses from last week stands out. I wrote about Hawaii beating Army but highlighted the service academy. Army lost (but only by 3 points!), of course, but it goes on the wrong side of the ledger for me and my record.

Thursday, September 16
Cincinnati at North Carolina State – Remember back in the last decade when this would have been an easy pick? Now both teams are awful. Conundrum’d.
Friday, September 17
Kansas at Southern Miss – Sort of interesting game. Both teams are a little weak but could hang around enough to play in their conference title game. Did I just write that? Yep. It won’t happen for Kansas but they’re probably not going to be too bad by the end of the year. I think they’re in the shit half of the Big XII.
California at Nevada – If I get a chance to watch this game I’m taking it. This has strong 100+ point potential (between the two teams – maybe for Berkeley by themselves) and I want to watch Colin Kaepernick because he’s going on the next Heisman list for me when I get around to writing it.
Saturday, September 18
Ohio at No. 2 Ohio State – Buckeyes bore me to tears. Why do they win so much? I hate them.
No. 12 Arkansas at Georgia – Arkansas hasn’t been ranked this highly without being a fraud at any time that I can remember. They’re still fugazi and Ryan Mallett is a piece of shit. Bark on ‘em, Dawgs.
Massachusetts at No. 20 Michigan – Second year in a row Michigan reaches 4-0 before the rug gets pulled out from under them.
Maryland at No. 21 West Virginia – It’s on the schedule so I guess they’re really gonna play it. I want to like both of these teams and I still can’t do it. Noel Devine needs to bust out for a 400 yd game at this point to be back on anybody’s radar.
Kent State at No. 22 Penn State – Penn State got smushed by Alabama and, in the process, proved nothing to me about themselves or their opponent. I guess they’ll win here but they could still go 6-6 without surprising me.
Georgia Tech at North Carolina – Shitastic. Carolina is a mess so of course they’ll have their best season since Mack Brown was there.
Connecticut at Temple – OK, Pierce, I’m fucking sick of this. Run wild or just quit. You’re good at quitting so that should be easy for you.
North Texas at Army – Woohoo!
Northern Illinois at Illinois – Zook!
Iowa State vs. Kansas State* - HP has this K State guy up on the list. I’ll reserve judgment for a few weeks but I hope he’s as good as his early draft reports.
Ball State at Purdue – Fuck you, Marve.
Vanderbilt at Mississippi – Ole’ Miss can definitely find a way to lose even this one.
East Carolina at Virginia Tech – In my gut I see the Hokies 0-3. I’m siding with my intellect and giving them the win.
No. 1 Alabama at Duke – TV deals are awesome because games like this end up being televised nationally.
Air Force at No. 7 Oklahoma – I would choose this over most of these games if I am given the option.
No. 8 Nebraska at Washington – Nebraska can delay their own fraud tour one more week in order to cancel the notion that Jake Locker deserves to play in the NFL.
No. 10 Florida at Tennessee – This used to be my favorite game of the year in the Spurrier Era.
Arizona State at No. 11 Wisconsin – John Clay needs to stop sucking in a hurry if he wants to make my preseason Heisman pick look good.
No. 18 USC at Minnesota – Why did USC schedule this game? Nothing good can come of this.
Hawaii at Colorado – Hawaii travels a lot.
Brigham Young at Florida State – Boy. Hmmm. FSU is bad. Still picking them.
Colorado State at Miami (OH)
Washington State at Southern Methodist – I don’t know if there was ever a time when both of these teams were good. Neither of them is good now, but Washington State is a laughingstock.
Troy at UAB
Central Michigan at Eastern Michigan
Baylor at No. 4 TCU – TCU is at least as big of a fraud as Boise but they will not be called out on it. If this team gets to the NC game look for them to get their brains bashed in.
Indiana at Western Kentucky
Louisville at No. 25 Oregon State – Awful game. I feel sorry for people that watch this.
Portland State at No. 5 Oregon – Oregon will run the score up as they’ve shown in both of their games so far. This game might be the most distant point of a karmic boomerang.
Furman at No. 13 South Carolina - See ya later, Saunders.
Mississippi State at No. 15 LSU - I'm kind of not gonna be very surprised if I get this game wrong. LSU is kind of crummy. Did you see where I had the Gators choking against UT? The only reason I'm not picking the upset here is because I only expect one in the SEC this week. But one is just the cap I'm setting.
Clemson at No. 16 Auburn - Cam Newton for Heisman gets a big boost this week before going away very shortly.
Akron at Kentucky - What the hell is this game doing taking up time and resources that could be used for literally anything else?
San Diego State at Missouri - Missouri should win. I'm still not picking them.
Marshall at Bowling Green - Marshall could win here and turn some kind of corner in... whatever conference it is that Marshall currently competes in. I would bet the opposite.
Tulsa at Oklahoma State - This is a great opportunity for a man named Kendall to boost his national stock in a non-TV game. 300 yds or bust, buddy.
Middle Tennessee at Memphis
Northwestern at Rice - Dreg on dreg violence. This horrible season might end up with the Big 10 the best conference in the land. Just for this one season!
Florida International at Texas A&M - Let's go FIU... Internationals? I've no idea what they are. They're losers, I know that much, but nothing else.
UCF at Buffalo - Buffalo is dead to me! You hear me? Infestation!
Navy at Louisiana Tech - go Middies. go.
Toledo at Western Michigan - Huge national title implications.
Maine at Syracuse - The Orange are so far down that I had to think about this. There's been a few wins by I-AA schools already this year and I think Maine is a I-AA school.
No. 3 Boise State at Wyoming - It's weird but I sort of want Boise to lose now. As much as I like the idea of a "small" team like theirs in the title game, I was really horrified by how boring BSU looked in the opener. If they keep playing like that I'll be glad to be rid of them.
No. 6 Texas at Texas Tech - If it weren't for the Craig James' son fiasco I would definitely pick the Red Raiders. Because without that nonsense Mike Leach would still be the coach. Texas hasn't been very good so far but I get the distinct impression that they are the best team in the Big XII other than Oklahoma.
No. 14 Utah at New Mexico - Wow. I never knew that Utah was ranked so high before now.
Southern Utah at San Jose State - ?
Notre Dame at Michigan State - I haven't seen the Michigan States play but I have seen some of Notre Dame's first couple of games. Michigan State couldn't be that bad, could they?
Fresno State at Utah State - I should watch this if it's on but I will probably make up a crossword puzzle or take a nap instead.
Louisiana-Monroe at Arkansas State - Go Monroe!
New Mexico State at UTEP - UTEP should play Kentucky at least once every year in every sport. That doesn't very much apply to this game, now, does it? So it is.
No. 9 Iowa at No. 24 Arizona - Nick Foles > Ricky Stanzi
No. 23 Houston at UCLA - Houston might be without Case Keenum. UCLA is terrible. I'm gonna take the Bruins as winners here, close my eyes and not look again until it's over.
UNLV at Idaho
Wake Forest at No. 19 Stanford - Stanford looked great against UCLA last week. I hope Owusu gets back soon.

And we're done. NFL tomorrow, Heisman Friday, alcoholic stupor all weekend.

NFL SEASON PREDICTIONS

2010-09-09T23:59:00.000-07:00

Better late than never with these things. I picked tonight's game right, anyway, so I'm already heading for the right trajectory. I messed up the math somewhere and ended up with a statistically impossible 265 total wins league-wide so I did what anybody would do: I took one win away from the Patriots. My method was simple. I predicted an imaginary, baseless outcome for each and every regular season game and then added up the records (minus that one Patriots win). My player predictions will start this off. I didn't pretend to have any imaginary totals to add up so I'm not giving out any fake yardage totals. I'm dumb but I ain't no idiot.

MVP: Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay - I don't even have the Packers winning the NFC, which was actually a surprise to me. But Aaron Rodgers is a hyp magnet who will throw for a ton of yards and he's never won anything before. He's a perfect sponge for market saturation.

Rushing Champion: Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee - He's cocky and he's really fast. The most amazing thing he did last year isn't the part of his statistical domination getting stuffed down eveyone's throats. Yeah, 2500 yds rushing sounds ridiculous but so should 2500 yds from scrimmage. He actually did the latter last year and he didn't have a ton of touches. He'll be the best again this year.

Receiving Champion: Marques Colston, WR, Saints - He's got one not super-impressive game under his belt as I write this. But I think he'll have the best season of any WR in the league, beating out Greg Jennings, Andre Johnson, Michael Crabtree and some other guys I'm not thinking of right now.

DPOY: Patrick Willis, LB, 49ers - Just wait til you see the batshit crazy stuff I've got going on in the standings predictions. Pat Willis will take the spot that Revis held last year: most talked about player in the league that the casual fan can't really follow or understand but they just get accepted as great because said fans want to look like they know what they're talking about. 49ers might havethe best D in the league this year.

ROY: Ndamakuong Suh, DL, Lions - I'm sure I f'd up his name but look, motherfucker, I've got the Lions at 8-8. Matt Stafford isn't that good yet. Suh will make the Lions way better. My other considerations were Sam Bradford (he'll be good but he's going to turn the ball over a lot this year), Ryan Matthews (San Diego throws too much for him to tear it up the way he should this year), DeMariyous Thomas (hurt too much), and Kyle Wilson (he'll get a bunch of picks as a nickel back but he won't start many games).

Surprise Star: Deon Butler, WR, Seahawks - I expect a 1,000 yd season out of this guy. He'll be this year's Miles Austin.

And here goes nothing:

AFC
East
New England 11-5 - boring, old, not really that boring because they throw the ball 65 times/game.
Miami 10-6 - boring, not that old.
NY Jets 6-10 - disappointment to end all disappointments after the NY media hype of the last 90 days.
Buffalo 5-11 - truly awful. CJ Spiller is not a 300 carry kind of guy, I don't think. He's like an Eric Metcalf clone.

North
Baltimore 13-3 - top seed in the AFC by record but not exactly a rock solid Super Bowl pick
Cincinnatti 8-8 - I really expected more out of my imaginary Bengals
Pittsburgh 7-9 - I have them as the last team to win a game in the league. Ol' Rapey Greycock might turn it on when he gets back but this team is fucked.
Cleveland 7-9 - I was really surprised at how poorly I had them finishing. Don't worry Cleveland fans, Mike Holmgren will not chain your franchise to the neck of future horrible pro QB Jake Locker.

South
Indianapolis 12-4 - and this would be a down year for them. Terrible coaches can only coast on the prior regime's program for so long, though, so expect the facade to start cracking this year.
Tennessee 11-5 - yeah, that's right. Chris Johnson will get some MVP votes of his own this year.
Houston 8-8 - this team might never get it all the way right. Matt Schaub is better than Mike Vick, at least.
Jacksonville 4-12 - still might not get Jack del Rio fired somehow

West
Oakland 8-8 - worst division winner of the year
Denver 8-8 - will get swept by Oakland, of all things, to narrowly snatch their hard-won label as chokers out of the seeming inevitability of a playoff run.
Kansas City 7-9 - they should run a lot more than they will.
San Diego 4-12 - see? Ryan Mathews can't win shit when his team is the worst team in the worst division in football!

NFC
East
NY Giants 10-6 - best football team in the Meadowlands II.
Dallas 8-8 - somewhat surprising to see them suck this bad. God will do anything to keep a home team from playing in the Super Bowl, though, as has been proven by top scientists the world over.
Washington 7-9 - it seems like they are in a similar position every year.
Philadelphia 6-10 - record will make the season seem worse than the reality. They'll be stronger in 2011.

North
Green Bay 12-4 - dominant seeming team won't even get homefield in their conference.
Minnesota 10-6 - Favre will not go out on top but he won't be an outright embarrassment, either.
Detroit 8-8 - this is like winning the Super Bowl for the Lions.
Chicago 3-13 - and with the first pick in the 2011 NFL Draft...

South
New Orleans 12-4 - I'm just guessing on the tiebreaker going their way.
Atlanta 12-4 - I've got a really good feeling about this team.
Tampa Bay 5-11 - look! They aren't in last place!
Carolina 3-13 - this is my least likely prediction in this whole stupid game I'm playing. This team might be terrible but, come on, 3 wins? I guessed it all so I'm going with it. This feels shaky.

West
San Francisco 13-3 - I really had no intention or expectation of San Francisco being this good. I believe it, though. They've got talent, discipline and a tissue soft schedule. This is a fluke thing, though, so don't count on it extending into the playoffs.
Seattle 7-9 - better than the record indicates? No, about exactly that good.
Arizona 5-11 - expect the unexpected disaster on every play from Arizona this year.
St. Louis 4-12 - this will count as improvement. They'll be fine in 2012 if the NFL still exists then.

PLAYOFFS
Round 1
Brett Favre's career will end, fittingly, at Lambeau Field when the Packers destroy the Vikings.
Atlanta will beat the Giants at the Meadowlands.
In a not exciting for anybody rubber match, the Patriots will beat the Dolphins in Foxboro thanks to some predictably lousy officiating.
Tennessee will find a way to lose to Oakland just to extend the joke of Oakland being in the playoffs in the first place.

Round 2
Green Bay vs. New Orleans will be one of the best playoff games of all time. I have a tough time picking either team as the winner. I'll say Green Bay just because the Saints won it all last year.
San Francisco will surprisingly wallop the Falcons in a matchup of former rivals.
Indianapolis and New England will bore the country to sleep before Indy wins by default.
Baltimore will beat Oakland in one of the worst playoff games of all time. It's just the way it is.

Championship Round
San Francisco will crumble in a haze of Alex Smith turnovers at home to catapult Green Bay into the Super Bowl to meet...
Baltimore! Take that Irsay! The Colts will meet their demise in Baltimore. It will be very poetic.

SUPER BOWL
Baltimore vs. Green Bay - Joe Flacco will play the game of his life only to be superceded in MVP voting by LeRon McLain (sp? - remember this is a strict no research blog) who will somehow break out for a bunch of long runs. Green Bay will be great in the deep passing game but will get all kinds of ruined on short routes and in the running game. Ray Murda will announce his retirement at the end of the game but will play two more seasons anyway.

So there you have it, the big gay NFL Predictions Roundup brought to you by the comedy corporation, Laugh-O! I leave to you the most enduring and beautiful testament to Western culture history us thus far bequeathed us:

NFL PREDICTIONS FOR WEEK 1 (Gambling/Fantasy Cheat Sheet)

2010-09-09T00:42:00.000-07:00

This is probably not something you want to use as a gambling or fantasy cheat sheet. I go through all the games and I pick winners with stupid little comments about what players I expect to have big games. I don't have Sunday Ticket anymore. The guesswork involved in this season will be monumentally unfocused. I will not pretend that I know what I'm talking about. Also, it may seem a little disjointed but I'm going to put up my season predictions tomorrow, after the first game has been played. Scheduling conflicts have kept me from having that shit taken care of before now. Onward and downward. The highlighted team wins the game.

THU, SEP 9
Minnesota at New Orleans - You know who's a good player? Marques Colston. Play him. Play Drew Brees. Play Purple Jesus of Fumbles. This should be a fun game to watch. I fully expect things to start unraveling for the Vikings sometime in the second half of this game. Fuck up early and often this year.

SUN, SEP 12
Carolina at NY Giants - The Panthers are a mess. This is the first real game in this new stadium. The Giants will find a way to destroy Carolina. Definitely play Bradshaw and Jacobs, probably play Eli and Steve Smith. One of Carolina's runners will be good.
Atlanta at Pittsburgh - Dennis Dixon is starting for the Steelers. They are doomed. Matt Ryan will probably have shitty numbers here but Michael Tuner might get some burn going. Start Tony Gonzalez.
Cleveland at Tampa Bay - Cleveland will run for 400 yds as a team to beat out the Bucs 300 yds on the ground. Start all the RBs.
Denver at Jacksonville - If I were to bet on such things I would have major $$$ on a bet that Tebow will get real playing time in his hometown, Other than that I'd start whoever it is that plays running back in Denver these days.
Indianapolis at Houston - Start every offensive player you've got for this one.
Miami at Buffalo - Start whatever unfortunate sot you've got for the Dolphins.
Detroit at Chicago - Horrible for every one witnesing it.
Oakland at Tennessee - 2 wrongs don't make it right, you?
Cincinnati at New England - New look Bengals!
Arizona at St. Louis - I've got an important meeting with my pillow coming out. Arizona will be terrible all year.
San Francisco at Seattle - Deon Butler will be the surprise WR for this whole year unless Golden Tate takes it over,
Green Bay at Philadelphia - Philly enters a brand new world with him PPV and no more McNabb.
Dallas at Washington - Who cares

MON, SEP 13
Baltimore at NY Jets - Baltimore will look good winning this one.
San Diego at Kansas City - Double ugh.

That's all for tonight.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL WEEK 2 PREVIEW: September 11th Edition

2010-09-08T01:32:00.000-07:00

No, it's not September 11th as I write this. It feels a little odd to have sports happening on September 11th. Not sure what else to do, though. I'm pretty sure we get football on December 7th, too. Oh, well. This is the week that determines my level of interest in the remainder of the season. So soon? Yeah, because I might end up really enjoying another season without Miami in the title chase but it certainly won't feel as "important" to me. Navy already screwed things up by turning the ball over 47 times against Maryland. My Ricky Dobbbs 4 Heisman campaign is tots dunzors.

I was hoping for some extra clarity in the Heisman race but I didn't get any. I'll post a separate Heisman column on Friday. I don't feel up to it and I want to look busier. So this marathon gets cut down a little bit. I'm just going off the top, as usual, here. I had a very impressive looking record last week, going 67-12, but if you look at the numbers a little closer you'll notice that there are only 120 teams (or close to there) in Division I-A and 79 games played last week. So 38 teams played againt I-AA competition. As far as I know only Ole Miss lost. That means I was only 30-11 in real terms. Still a decent record but most week 1 games are envisioned as mismatches. I went mostly chalk (I think) last week. My no research idiocy is calling out for more upset picks. Let's get to it, shall I?

Thursday, September 9

Central Michigan at Temple - Bernarrrdd?? Temple almost fucked up horribly last week. Bernard Pierce only looked decent in the 4th quarter. He'll pick it up, though. I'm not worried.
No. 21 Auburn at Mississippi State - Great win for Miss State last week. Back to reality...
Friday, September 10

No. 23 West Virginia at Marshall - Something seems odd about this game. Oh, yeah, West Virginia is ranked. They probably don't deserve it and Noel Devine is off the radar in my Heisman poll of me but Marshall is pretty goddamn terrible.
UTEP at Houston - Case Keenum needs bigger numbers. Last game was annoying.

Saturday, September 11
San Jose State at No. 11 Wisconsin - John Clay for Heisman. I didn't even look at the stats from last week. I've seen him before and I know he's good.
No. 15 Georgia Tech at Kansas - Kansas got shut out by some team. Maybe a AA school. I'm not sure. The Wramblin Wreck is due for a big fall in the ACC but Kansas isn't in the ACC and they aren't any good.
No. 22 Georgia at No. 24 South Carolina - Early season SEC game. South Carolina surpirsed me by not being completely ineffectual last week. Spurrier has to make this stupid team a little better eventually. Georgia... I don't know. I have no reasons.
Texas Southern at Connecticut - UConn sucks
Illinois State at Northwestern - Northwestern sucks
South Dakota at Minnesota - Minnesota really sucks
Memphis at East Carolina - Memphis might be the worst team in Div I-A. I have no reason to believe that but they might be.
Duke at Wake Forest - I like everybody better than Duke.
Hawaii at Army - Some ESPN guy talked about how hard this road trip will be but, come on, to Army?
Gardner-Webb at Akron
Indiana State at Cincinnati
Michigan State vs. Florida Atlantic* - This game is on a neutral field and Florida Atlantic has no chance. I gotta take those odds.
Western Illinois at Purdue - Robert Marve is QB for Purdue.
South Florida at No. 8 Florida - Based on last week, Florida might lose to anybody. They will save all their losses for better teams, though.
Idaho at No. 6 Nebraska - If it weren't for Boise State getting #1 votes Nebraska would be the clear favorite to be the most overrated team in America.
New Hampshire at Pittsburgh
James Madison at No. 13 Virginia Tech
Eastern Michigan at Miami (OH)
Iowa State at No. 9 Iowa
No. 17 Florida State at No. 10 Oklahoma - No, don't believe it. I still won't change the pick.
Colorado at California - Hahaha! I'm kidding.
Michigan at Notre Dame - this game is for some stupid, inflated, soon to burst ranking.
Eastern Kentucky at Louisville
Kent State at Boston College
Presbyterian at Clemson Is Presbyterian a D I-A school now?
Arkansas State at Louisiana-Lafayette
Georgia Southern at Navy - The biggest letdown for me in week 1 tries to salvage their image.
No. 12 Miami (FL) at No. 2 Ohio State - I've been waiting all summer for this game. Miami has to win.
UNLV at No. 20 Utah
Brigham Young at Air Force
Morgan State at Maryland
No. 18 Penn State at No. 1 Alabama - I kind of hope Penn State wins. But only kind of. I don't think they have a chance, though.
Tennessee Tech at No. 4 TCU - TCU is gonna beat the shit out of this school's football team.
Wyoming at No. 5 Texas - Not as easy as it seems but probably just as easy as Rice. Texas should have won that game by a lot more than they did.
No. 7 Oregon at Tennessee - Tennessee has a lot of things to correct and they aren't a top 25 team. Oregon will fuck up here like they have to do early in the season just because they always do shit like that.
No. 14 Arkansas vs. Louisiana-Monroe* - Woohoo. Go pigfuckers.
No. 19 LSU at Vanderbilt - LSU should have lost to UNC last week.
McNeese State at Missouri
Toledo at Ohio
Troy at Oklahoma State - OK State takes a tough opponent here but they've got some guy named Kendall that had the best game of anyone in week 1.
Bowling Green at Tulsa
Buffalo at Baylor
Louisiana Tech at Texas A&M
Rice at North Texas
Syracuse at Washington - There was a good long while there where this would have been a matchup of top 10 teams. Syracuse might not even be top 10 in their own conference anymore. Which sucks because there aren't 10 teams in their conference.
Montana State at Washington State
Liberty at Ball State
Austin Peay at Middle Tennessee
North Dakota at Northern Illinois
Prairie View A&M at Southern Miss
Nicholls State at Western Michigan
Missouri State at Kansas State
Western Kentucky at Kentucky
Southern Illinois at Illinois - There are still a lot of bullshit matchups this week
North Carolina State at UCF
San Diego State at New Mexico State
Texas Tech at New Mexico
Idaho State at Utah State
Rutgers at FIU - I wonder if Rutgers is an underdog here.
UAB at Southern Methodist
Mississippi at Tulane - There is no way Ole Miss loses this game but I refuse to pick them anyway.
Northern Arizona at Arizona State
Citadel at Arizona
Virginia at No. 16 USC - You know, for all the hype around this week, this is one of the better matchups. Ugh.
No. 25 Stanford at UCLA - I might actually watch this. Owusu needs to light it up somehow
Colorado State at Nevada - Great capper to the week.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL WEEK 1 PICKS: Whatever Will Be Will Be

2010-09-01T23:27:00.000-07:00

Football season is upon us. I’m more excited by this season than I can remember feeling about football since I was a 16 year old Cowboys fan. I’m giddy about Miami’s prospects so I assume they’ll go out and lose to FAMU tomorrow night. Which would be, admittedly, pretty funny. Other things I’m hopeful about: Bernard Pierce becoming a household name. Navy continuing their domination of the Independents conference. Ricky Dobbs getting on some Heisman ballots. Houston attempting to one-up their own history and going balls-to-the-wall pass crazy trying to get Case Keenum up to 6,000yds passing on the year. Here’s my first attempt at weekly predictions. I don’t know how long I’ll keep up with my tabulations, I should do this shit in Excel if I’m really worrying about it. I’m not worrying about it. If you read this last year let me remind you of the rules; if you’ve never read it before let me fill you in: Research is against the rules. This all has to come off the top of the head. I like to throw out some ridiculous predictions. Navy always gets picked to win. Miami gets picked to win but I’ll let you know if I believe it or not. That’s the predictions. The highlighted team is the winner. Also notable is the fact that I will never remember FBS and FCS so I just use I-A and I-AA when it comes up.

The Heisman list will get whittled down and is based on my observations of actual games. My list is predicated on having seen at least one game from a player and is in no way representative of how I think the voting will go. Leave that shit to the HP. I love that site and wouldn’t try to duplicate what he does. I said in the last post that I’d have a Heisman list to go with predictions but that’s stupid. Just predictions for the first week. I’ll try to do this on Tuesday nights from now on. Let’s see if I can get more than 10 page views a week for this season. Onward and upward!

THURSDAY
Presbyterian at Wake Forest – best game of the year. Book it.
Southeast Missouri State at Ball State – also the best game of the year.
Rhode Island at Buffalo – No more Turner Gill in Buffalo. URI is not I-A as far as I know.
Hampton at Central Michigan – Another classic matchup. Thursday will be full of thrillers.
Murray State at Kent State – 10 students are killed on campus every week at Kent State. Tradition rules.
Marshall at No. 2 Ohio State – As much as I would love to pick Marshall that’s just ridiculous. That program fell off a cliff. I don’t think Terrelle Pryor will even be the best Heisman candidate on the Buckeyes, for what it’s worth.
Florida A&M at No. 13 Miami (FL) – I don’t know what to expect. Jacory won’t throw many passes. The RBs barely even have an established pecking order. The defense looks rugged but we’ll see. I want the Canes to come out and play disciplined for 4 quarters. If they don’t? Maybe they haven’t made any sort of leap forward. They should win this one by about 50. Randy Shannon has shown little to no propensity for running up the score thus far in his coaching career.
Towson at Indiana – Indiana’s biggest win of the year. Might be the only one.
Norfolk State at Rutgers
Minnesota at Middle Tennessee – Good win on the road for the Gophers. Best game of the year, also.
Southern Miss at South Carolina – One of the few games on this whole docket that I have trouble making up my mind about. South Carolina is the snooziest team to watch in the SEC. Southern Miss is randomly good every few years. What happens here? I’ll take a road team just to take a road team. Maybe Spurrier can retire after this game.
Florida Atlantic at UAB – Sure, why not? This game will have huge National Title implications
Northern Illinois at Iowa State – Best part about this one is that I really don’t have any knowledge of either program. NIU put out Michael Turner, right?
Southeastern Louisiana at Tulane – I give Tulane entirely too much credit on here, too, if you’re wondering.
No. 15 Pittsburgh at Utah – Is Utah good? I don’t remember. Strong candidate for upset of the week but I’m not going to blow my load on this one.
North Dakota at Idaho – I like the Vandals.
Eastern Washington at Nevada – This might be a conference game. This might be a joke that ESPN’s web programmers put on the schedule. Whatever it is, it’s a huge game.
No. 14 USC at Hawaii – There. That’s more like it.
FRIDAY
Villanova at Temple – Bernarrrrrrrdddddddddddddd!
Arizona at Toledo – I vaguely remember UA having a QB last year. I think he’s back.
SATURDAY
Miami (OH) at No. 4 Florida – Flori-duh. Great out of conference schedule they lined up this year. This is Urban Meyer’s big comeback game.
Youngstown State at No. 19 Penn State – Great game.
Samford at No. 20 Florida State – Florida State deserves to lose this game to Bobby Bowden’s alma mater.
Western Michigan at Michigan State
Eastern Illinois at No. 9 Iowa – Hmmm… Iowa does suck pretty bad, though.
Louisiana-Lafayette at No. 23 Georgia – Not an endorsement of Richt.
Illinois vs. Missouri* - Nobody wins. Especially Zook. But nobody wins.
South Carolina State at No. 16 Georgia Tech – Here’s the part where I start rushing through this shit.
Weber State at Boston College
Colorado vs. Colorado State*
Northwestern State at Air Force
No. 5 Texas vs. Rice* - Texas will score 85+ points.
New Mexico at No. 11 Oregon – Oregon learned their lesson last year when they opened with Boise. No more good teams the first week.
Coastal Carolina at No. 25 West Virginia – Noel Devine needs to go crazy on the yardage where he can.
Purdue at Notre Dame – I actually think Dayne Crist is a good player. He will get hurt in this game, though, because that’s what he does.
Kentucky at Louisville – Rivalry game!
Connecticut at Michigan – I highlighted Michigan by mistake. They have to earn a lot of trust before they start seeing regular highlights.
Jacksonville State at Mississippi – Hahahahaha to Ole Miss and Jeremiah Masoli. Even though I liked watching him play and understand that he’s been railroaded as many times as he’s fucked up.
North Texas at Clemson – Clemson sucks but North Texas is the worst.
UCLA at Kansas State – Big win for UCLA. They will never be ranked higher than they will be after this week.
UC Davis at California
Western Carolina at North Carolina State
Richmond at Virginia – Weird scheduling. UVA is coached by the guy that made Richmond a I-AA powerhouse. UVA hasn’t been good in a while and the ACC did butcher the early-going last year so this highlight isn’t very solid feeling.
Syracuse at Akron – Whatever.
South Dakota at UCF
Tennessee-Martin at Tennessee – Go Vols. Go. Fight. Bet UT wins this by their highest margin of the year. I’m giving ‘em 7.
Sacramento State at Stanford – I like Stanford even without Gerhart. There, I said it.
San Jose State at No. 1 Alabama – Pensacola is in the building, that’s all I got to say.
Utah State at No. 7 Oklahoma
Western Kentucky at No. 8 Nebraska
Tennessee Tech at No. 17 Arkansas
Arkansas State at No. 22 Auburn
Elon at Duke
Wofford at Ohio
Washington State at Oklahoma State – Nice little warm-up game for OK State.
Sam Houston State at Baylor
Stephen F. Austin at Texas A&M – A&M loves these games. They will try for 100.
Washington at Brigham Young – And there goes Jake Locker’s Heisman…
Memphis at Mississippi State – Nobody will ever know how this game ended. Or started. Or was in the middle.
Army at Eastern Michigan
North Dakota State at Kansas – Big game atmosphere for this one.
Bowling Green at Troy – I struggled with this but why bother?
Louisiana Tech vs. Grambling State* - See above.
Stony Brook at South Florida – USF in the new era. Hope they collapse.
Northwestern at Vanderbilt
No. 24 Oregon State vs. No. 6 TCU* - BS busters will suck balls this week. I’ve finally come to terms with this: Andy Dalton blows. Fuck TCU.
No. 21 LSU vs. No. 18 North Carolina* - UNC is a mess and I hope Butch Davis falls on his face. Of course, his record at Carolina is actually terrible so I’m pretty late to the party with that sentiment.
Nicholls State at San Diego State
Texas State at Houston – I don’t know what Texas Tech is going to be like from now on. I wish Leach was there and the final score could be 68-54 or some shit. For all I know, TxTech is even better now. I want Keenum to do well, though, so I’m picking Houston. Oh, wait. Texas State? That’s a school? Keenum should be just fine.
Southern Utah at Wyoming
Arkansas-Pine Bluff at UTEP
Portland State at Arizona State
Cincinnati at Fresno State - It's a new era in Cincinnati.
No. 12 Wisconsin at UNLV – John Clay is the most likely 2,000yd rusher in the country.

SUNDAY
Tulsa at East Carolina – I bet this game goes on as planned.
Southern Methodist at Texas Tech – So, I think these bases have been covered. Except to say that June Jones will extract his revenge. Does he have revenge to extract? I think he always does.

MONDAY
Navy vs. Maryland* - Go Middies!
No. 3 Boise State vs. No. 10 Virginia Tech* - I enjoy Boise State football. I really do. I kind of want them to win. I like the idea of them being a title contender. Here we finally are, though, so close to the season. It won’t happen. It just won’t. Virginia Tech will play angry and they won’t throw many passes. This doesn’t even have the feeling of a good game to me. I expect the Hokies to truck ‘em.

There you have it, see you next week.

The Big College Football Conference-by-Conference Season and Heisman Predictions

2010-08-31T01:34:00.000-07:00

Look, I'm not gonna tell you I have any intention of giving you good advice. I think this is a half-informed batch of guesses. But I do watch lots of football and I read about sports constantly. Who are you to read this? I don't think you exist so I'll be honest: this year won't even be as informed or desparate as last year. Last year nobody read this blog but I was unemployed and had every channel DirecTV offers at my disposal. This year I'm back at my old job and super-depressed. But I don't even have my DirecTV shit set up yet. Right now we're on what's called the "Family Package." What does that mean? No channels with any potential entertainment value. Families don't go for shit like that. This will be as quick as possible. Not a lot of write-up, just a bunch of lists. Records listed are for regular season only, conference record in parentheses. Let's get this under way, shall we?

ACC
Miami will finally rule the ACC. I believe it even more than I'm hoping for it. I expect it. The Canes are back to being loaded at every position. They'll be screwed this year if Jacory Harris gets hurt but they could still win the conference. That's at least as much an indictment of Christian Ponder and Butch Davis and Georgia Tech in general as it is a vote of confidence in the overall depth at The U. But this Hurricanes team is at the highest talent level they've had in at least 7 years. They remind me of the 2000 squad more than anything else.

ATLANTIC
Florida State, 9-3 (7-1)
Boston College, 8-4 (5-3)
Wake Forest, 7-5 (4-4)
Clemson, 7-5 (4-4)
Maryland, 6-6 (3-5)
N.C. State, 4-8 (1-7)

COASTAL
Miami, 11-1 (8-0)
Virginia Tech, 10-2 (6-2)
North Carolina, 8-4 (5-3)
Georgia Tech, 7-5 (4-4)
Duke, 4-8 (1-7)
Virginia, 3-9 (0-8)

Title Game: Miami over FSU

BIG XII
Nebraska's last season in the Big XII. Last season of 12 teams. What do they call it next year? No more title game since they won't have the minimum necessary for that. But that's next year! Can Nebraska come out on top for a going away present? No! Oklahoma will take it. Yep, that's right. Not Texas. Not Texas A&M. Oklahoma. Last year was a fluke and this year will be business as usual.

NORTH
Nebraska, 10-2 (6-2)
Kansas State, 7-5 (4-4)
Missouri, 6-6 (3-5)
Iowa State, 5-7 (3-5)
Kansas, 4-8 (1-7)
Colorado, 3-9 (1-7)

SOUTH
Oklahoma, 11-1 (8-0)
Texas, 10-2 (7-1)
Oklahoma State, 9-3 (6-2)
Texas A&M, 7-5 (5-3)
Texas Tech, 6-6 (4-4)
Baylor, 1-11 (0-8)

Title Game: Oklahoma over Nebraska

BIG EAST
This conference is not as bad as people think but it could end up in some disarray this year. Pitt is the obvious choice to win it with West Virginia the only likely contender. But there's a chance that UConn, USF or one of the other losers steps up and wins this thing. There's always a chance, though, and it isn't going to be taken. Cincinnati will fall back to earth. Good riddance.

Pitt, 10-2 (6-1)
WestVirginia 9-3 (5-2)
UConn,7-5 (4-3)
USF, 7-5 (3-4)
Cincinnati, 6-6 (3-4)
Rutgers, 5-7 (3-4)
Syracuse, 5-7 (2-5)
Louisville, 4-8 (2-5)

BIG 10
The other one that needs to change its name. I hate the Big 10. I hate every team in it, from an entertainment value standpoint. I want to choose Wisconsin to win it but that would be stupid. Ohio State has to be the best team here, don't they?

Ohio State, 11-1 (8-0)
Wisconsin, 10-2 (7-1)
Penn State, 8-4 (5-3)
Purdue, 7-5 (5-3)
Iowa, 7-5 (5-3)
Michigan, 6-6 (5-3)
Michigan State, 6-6 (4-4)
Minnesota, 4-8 (2-6)
Northwestern, 4-8 (2-6)
Illinois, 3-9 (1-7)
Indiana, 1-11 (0-8)

CONFERENCE USA
Look, some of these are gonna be a crap shoot, OK? I don't really know the schedules at all and some of these conferences just barely exist. Can I put Case Keenum on the Heisman short list when his team is terrible and in a terrible conference? You're goddamed, right I can.

EAST
East Carolina, 9-3 (6-2)
UCF, 7-5 (5-3)
Southern Miss, 7-5 (4-4)
Marshall, 6-6 (4-4)
Memphis, 5-7 (3-5)
UAB, 3-9 (2-6)

WEST
Houston, 11-1 (8-0)
SMU, 8-4 (5-3)
Tulane, 5-7 (4-4)
Tulsa, 5-7 (3-5)
Rice, 4-8 (3-5)
UTEP, 2-10 (1-7)

Title Game: Houston over ECU. Big money, baby.

INDEPENDENT
Here's my ridiculous coup. Navy in the Top10 at season's end! Go Middies! Notre Dame will be better this year but still terrible. Ricky Dobbs will win the Heisman that Tommy Frazier should've won.

Navy, 11-1
Notre Dame, 8-4
Army, 4-8

MID-AMERICAN CONFERENCE
The original mid-major in basketball has never put up a legit contender in football. This year is not going to make me feel bad about saying: I have no clue who's supposed to be good here and it doesn't matter. 10th-rate conference with no decent bowl affiliations. Nobody cares.

EAST
Temple, 7-5 (6-2)
Buffalo, 7-5 (5-3)
Ohio, 5-7 (4-4)
Akron, 4-8 (4-4)
Bowling Green, 5-7 (4-4)
Miami OH, 4-8 (3-5)
Kent State, 3-9 (3-5)

WEST
Northern Illinois, 8-4 (6-2)
Ball State, 7-5 (5-3)
EMU, 7-5 (4-4)
CMU, 6-6 (4-4)
Toledo, 4-8 (3-5)
WMU, 3-9 (2-6)

Title Game?: Temple, as long as we're just making shit up.

MOUNTAIN WEST
We are just making shit up. I think TCU is a full fledged program at this point so I'll take em to win this conference. I don't have much to base that on, though. I know they fucked up royally in the bowl game against Boise last year. Andy Dalton looked fairly unimpressive upon closer inspection. Maybe he's as good as his numbers this year?

TCU, 11-1 (8-0)
BYU, 8-4 (6-2)
Utah, 8-4 (5-3)
Air Force, 7-5 (5-3)
SDSU, 6-6 (4-4)
Wyoming, 5-7 (4-4)
UNLV, 4-8 (2-6)
CSU, 3-9 (1-7)
New Mexico, 2-10 (1-7)

PAC-10
I want to believe UCLA is the best team here. Or Stanford. But it's really Oregon. And USC isn't even dead yet. It might be a rough year in the Pac 10.

Oregon, 8-4 (6-3)
Stanford, 7-5 (6-3)
Oregon State, 7-5 (6-3)
USC, 7-5 (5-4)
UCLA, 7-5 (5-4)
California, 6-6 (5-4)
Arizona, 6-6 (5-4)
Washington, 6-6 (4-5)
Arizona State, 5-7 (3-6)
Washington State, 1-11 (0-9)

SEC
Tebow's gone. Urban Meyer should've left. Alabama is pretty awesome. LSU is the same every year even when they win the National Championship. Ole Miss and Miss State are horrid. Georgia never wins any big games. I'm sure the final standings will look nothing like this.

EAST
Florida, 9-3 (6-2)
Tennessee, 8-4 (5-3)
South Carolina, 7-5 (5-3)
Georgia, 8-4 (5-3) - I don't think this is how the SEC standings work but I've got Georgia losing the USC, so they're behind them in my book.
Kentucky, 7-5 (4-4)
Vanderbilt, 3-9 (1-7)

WEST
Alabama, 11-1 (7-1)
LSU, 9-3 (6-2)
Auburn, 8-4 (5-3)
Arkansas, 5-7 (2-6)
Ole Miss, 4-8 (2-6)
Miss State, 3-9 (0-8)

Title Game: Alabama over Florida. Like last year but worse. Rompy rompy rompy.

SUN BELT
I made a promise to myself that I would do this whole article.

Arkansas State, 7-5 (6-2)
Troy, 7-5 (6-2)
Florida Atlantic, 7-5 (5-3)
Florida Int'l, 7-5 (4-4)
Louisiana-Monroe, 5-7 (4-4)
Western Kentucky, 4-8 (3-5)
North Texas, 3-9 (3-5)
Middle Tennessee, 3-9 (2-6)
Louisiana - Lafayette, 1-11 (1-7)

So there you have it. Miami beats up an old ghost in the title game by beating Alabama and finally wins the Fiest Bowl.

Heisman list:
Ricky Dobbs, QB, Navy - best network-ready story for the Heisman. If Navy is as good as I hope they are, he'll be in the public eye. He's a great option QB and a future politician. Run, Ricky, Run!

Jacory Harris, QB, Miami - No chance in hell he wins the award. But he'll be the big name for the best team in the country. That gets you invited to New York, if nothing else.

John Clay, RB, Wisconsin - He's really good.

Landry Jones, QB, Oklahoma - He will get much undue credit for bringing Oklahoma back from the brink. It's not his fault. He will put up a ton of stats.

Case Keenum, QB, Houston - I hope he wins it. He is my fave player in college football because he reminds me of the old-timey Run-n-Shoot Houston Cougs. New age Andre Ware. 6,000 yd season is possible and would get him real close.

Others to consider:

Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama
Terrelle Pryor, QB, Ohio State
Brandon Saine, RB, Ohio State
Chris Owusu, WR, Stanford
Jacquizz Rodgers, RB, Oregon State
Dion Lewis, RB, Pitt
Noel Devine, RB, West Virginia
Bernard Pierce, RB, Temple
Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame
Andy Dalton, QB, TCU
Kellen Moore, QB, Boise State
Storm Johnson, RB, Miami
Jared Crick, DL, Nebraska

There will be more after the first week. Complete weekly predictions coming tomorrow or Wednesday.

NBA Free Agency Predictions and Rookie Expectations

2010-06-30T20:44:00.000-07:00

Back in January I had fully intended to change the focus of the Comedy Corporation from football to basketball. I tailed off on my footballl writing (at least the records keeping part of it) and I didn't really fill that space with anything. One of the main problems I had with it is that I didn't suddenly have NBA Season... pass? Ticket? League... Watcher? Whatever the DirecTV thing is that lets you watch all the basketball in the world. That was really what pushed me into writing all the football posts that I wrote last year. Another giant impediment to my writing lots of words about basketball zaniness was having a job. I'vewritten it before but I will re-iterate now that needing a job is a failure of technology. You know what I say to every Socialism-hating America-loving-but-in-a-totally-self-serving-really-I-only-love-the-piece-of-land-that-I'm-occupying-because-all-the-other-people-that-I-don't-know-can-go-fuck-themselves American that will ever read this? Robots. And fuck you. Because robots should be doing every task on the planet by now. All people should do is eat and sleep while robots take care of us. I digress. The other reason that I didn't write about basketball very much is that I hated almost everything that happened in the NCAA and in the NBA basketball seasons for 2009-2010. Georgetown started off strong, faded in the middle, rallied just enough to make me think they could handle the Toruney and then tanked in the first round. The least talented championship team in major college history won the National Championship and the NBA snored it's way to the most historically probably Finals possible. And the Lakers won. Which is the most common outcome for an NBA season in my lifetime.

So what now? Why now? FREE AGENCY! I love the stupid stories about every single free agent possible ending up in Miami. Really. Lebron, DWade and Chris Bosh together in Miami? I can't wait to see which one sulks his way to a trade first. None of them ending up together and Chris Bosh making max money to lose in New York (Bosh is wildly over-rated as far as impact in the won-lost column) is way more likely. I hate the idea of Lebron leaving Cleveland even while I understand the reasons he might leave. I don't think it really makes a ton of basketball sense for him to leave and I have trouble coming up with a scenario where he and Wade can actually blend into an offensive scheme. Maybe that's OK. I haven't really seen an offense from Miami in a few years. I'm trying to get this all posted before 9pm PDT (PST? It's different at different times of year) when the free agent season kicks off.

Let me go through what I think will happen: Lebron and DWade will stay where they are. Chris Bosh will go to New York. Paul Pierce will end up in New York and everybody will hate him. Dirk Nowitzki can not leave Dallas. He really only fits in with the Lakers and they aren't paying him. New Jersey will get stiffed. A'mare will end up in Chicago and will be terrible for the rest of his career. J.J. Redick will somehow end up being a decent contributor somewhere. Joe Johnson will get tons of money from the Heat and will not help them in any discernible way. Michael Beasley will get traded somewhere and end up being a good player, along the lines of what A'Mare has been but not quite as good as the hype that A'Mare used to get. Beas is too small to really have the impct I thought he would. How does that happen? I could've sworn he was 6'10 coming in to the league but now he's 6'7. Whoops. Oh, well, he's still a 20/10 season or six waiting to happen. If Beas makes it to the homelands (D.C.) the Wizards will be a 50-win team next year. Seriously, I think they're finding honest value out there right now at the expense of some delusional front offices. The Wiz biggest problem is a lack of front court. A bunch of small forwards do not make for a good defense. They're still good enough to win 45 games.Trust me, I'm an idiot. I'm banking on Iverson to get himself together at some point in his life but right now? I think Bubba's done. I think he needs to be one of those born again, John Lucas types if he's going to make the changes in his life that could lead to success on a basketball court. I hate to think it and I'm dying for him to come back and start lighting people up for 20ppg off the bench but it's hard to believe he's that type. The whole thing that makes him Allen Iverson is the world-beater attitude that probably can't hack it as a bench player. He needs to run a team completely or he just can't get into it. That's not a bad thing to say about an athlete. That's the absolute best quality for a star to possess. For Iverson, it hurts him at this stage because he's a midget by NBA standards. He's a skinny dude for regular person standards and he's just been beat up beyond all sense in his career. Still, somebody will sign him this year and he will come apart just that little bit much farther. I hate it.

And that's it for the Free Agency preview. What do you want? Everybody's in cash grab mode right now and the franchises with tons of $$$ to spend don't really have plans. Seriously, look at the Heat. How the fuck are they going to fill their roster if they end up with Wade, Bosh and James? Everybody they sign after that will be at league minimum $$$. That's a disaster waiting to happen. The NBA is fucked up right now because it is impossible to watch a game that isn't dominated by refs. Really, the refs in the NBA have absolutely ruined the game. Also, the Timberwolves have ruined the game. And, as always, fuck Boston.

So here we are with the rookie roundup. I'm going to find a comparison for every player that I name. This is not a statistical comp, just what these guys remind me of. Remember what I said about the Wiz being a playoff-level team next year? I stand by it. It's going to get John Wall a rookie-of-the-year award. He might even deserve it. But he probably will not. He's not a great player. He's a Mike Bibby/Tyreke Evans hybrid. And Tyreke Evans is no Dwyane Wade. What I mean by my comparison is that Wall isn't really a point guard and he's about as good overall as Mike Bibby. Derrick Favors bothers me for some reason. He reminds me way too much of Tyrus Thomas. Evan Turner is like Cal Cheaney. Which is terrible, especially at #2. DeMarcus Cousins really does remind me of Stanley Roberts, which sounds worse than it is. Stanley Roberts was actually a really good basketball player but nobody ever really lit into him the right way. He never looked like he cared all that much. And, if I remember correctly, he drank himself silly. Maybe that's what drove Chris Jackson to become Mahmoud Abdul Rauf. No, I won't explain that for anybody that doesn't just see it and get the connection. I think Cousins is good for his first contract. His downside is Zach Randolph, which is OK as far as production goes but is also frustrating if you happen to be rooting for the team such a player works for. Wes Johnson is a joke. What in the world is wrong with people to expect any kind of NBA level contribution from this guy? Worst pick in a bad draft. He's John Wallace Redux. John Wallace was a goddammed terrible player in the league. Al-Farouq Aminu. I like this guy. I expect him to contribute right away. He's not a star player but he can be a lot like like Tayshaun Prince. Which is very good. Now, we get to my favorite player in the draft. Yes, it's because he's from Georgetown but also because I think his skills are entirely NBA-legit. He's not going to be a great defender but he will be pretty good. He's going to help the Pistons offense way more than people realize now, and probably more than people will realize at the end of the year. He up the offensive efficiency factor for a whole team. I don't really know a good comaprison for him because he played center in college but he's a PF in the pros. Really, his skills are reminiscent of Rik Smits, but Monroe's six inches shorter and, again, will play the 4. It's silly to compare Monroe to Tim Duncan because he's not that good. More like Alonzo Mourning but trade 5ppg for 3apg and there you go. Well, no, because Monroe isn't even in the same class as 'Zo on the defensive side. Hmmm, Smits. Hmmm. Can't think of anybody else that passes as well as Monroe from the post. That's also a pretty good comp for his overall effect on a game. Smits was a totally legit NBA player who didn't score a ton and really made his team work by spacing the court for everybody else but never got a ton of credit because his stats were never great. When Greg Monroe has more assists than John Wall next year, you should only be mildly surprised. And it's a toss-up as to who ends up with more turnovers. That's not a complement to either player. Ed Davis reminds me of a guy who never played in the NBA. Because if you meet Ed Davis in four years and he tells you he played in the NBA, you won't believe him. Gordon Heyward is (sorry, this isn't entirely race-based) a lot like Austin Croshere. Another Pacer who is better than you probably realize. But way worse than his contract. Decent player, though, and not a bad pickup for the Jazz. Deron Williams will be glad to have Heyward. Paul George. Fucking terrible. He reminds me of Mike Mamula except that it's the wrong sport. Ed O'Bannon maybe? Paul George is a terrible player. Cole Aldrich makes me groan so loud you would think I'm having a hernia. He's godawful. Spencer Hawes without the athleticism. Yeah, Spencer Hawes is only an athlete compared to a regular person. For the NBA he's like a dinosaur compared to a cheetah. The dinosaur has been dead for 65 million years and, thus, can't move. A cheetah can run 75 fucking mph. Everybody else in the NBA is the cheetah in this comparison. I want Larry Sanders to be awesome because he's named for a good show. And he's powerful. I'm going with Kurt Thomas as the comp. Eric Bledsoe is Sebastian Telfair. Not like him, is him. Avery Bradley is a terrible player who will somehow fit in with the Celtics just enough to annoy me for 4 years before OBLIVION! He compares well with everybody that has played on the Celtics for the last 3 years that isn't one of the Big 4. Again, fuck Boston. Somehow these fucking troglodytes didn't realize how good of a PG they had until they got back to the finals. Seriously, everybody in Boston was on board with an indeterminate trade to get rid of Rondo last summer. Fuck those fucking fucks. Look everybody else in the draft is not worth writing about and I've got to hurry because it's almost FREE AGENT O'CLOCK and I waant to post this just for my own bemused reminiscences next year or the year after. The time capsule is closing. If any superstars come out of this draft I will be shocked. If any title contenders are obviated by a rash of free agent signings, I will be shocked. The Lakers are still the favorite to snooze into a title next year until proven otherwise.

UPDATE: I forgot to mention that Patrick Patterson to the Rockets seems like the best thing that could have happened to both that player and that team. I'm going to say he's a Brandon Roy-level player. He doesn't play like Roy but he will have that kind of immediate impact for the Rockets.

I Can't Stop Watching This

2010-06-08T17:36:00.000-07:00

I don't blog much, but when I do, this is what I think about. I love euphemisms of all stripes and I've been really happy lately to have "she plays softball" stand in for the word lesbian. Eating Da Poo-Poo is the best way to describe male homosexuality ever. Go Christian fundamentalism!

On the realz, tho? This is the best viral ad Apple ever created.

USFL: The Game

2010-03-28T22:13:00.000-07:00

Hi, everybody! I had a very important idea and, if I understand copyright laws the way I think I understand copyright laws, I'm gonna put it out here right now! I want to make an alternate history video game based on the premise that the NFL folded in 1985 and the USFL kept going. Obviously it would be expensive to license all these individual names to make it awesome but I think it could work out. Maybe not as a franchise but as a one-off title it could reap some profits from nostalgia. OR! Instead of starting with the 1986 season, make it a sports RPG where you have to help steer the league through the early years from 1983 on and BEAT the NFL and then go on to the glory of Bo Jackson and Barry Sanders and Andre Ware (in my video game universe Ware would not become a bust) playing in USFL unis.

Why do I like the RPG angle? Because that way the Washington Federals would never become the Orlando... Predators? Am I remembering that correctly? I loved the USFL and this brainstorm is sponsored by eBay. I was perusing the eBays for some fly-y-y-y-y-y Federals gear when I thought of it.

I would like my model to be based on online expansion rather than a new disc every year (fuck you, EA). That is to say, I love DLC and I would love to just pay a few bucks every year to download the new players and new uniforms and new playbooks ($14.95 sounds about right) and just keep the same gameplay options. Maybe the base disc could be more expensive ($79.95) to make up for the loss in annual revenue. That way you could come out with a new disc every couple of years when you've completely overhauled the gameplay, more like an OS, and save some cost. Not sure if the NFLPA would ever strike a deal to let current players in the game but they should. You know why? Because it's money for nothing. Goddammit, I love thinking about the USFL. Rosebud, indeed.

Super Bowl predictions

2010-02-06T21:40:00.000-08:00

I haven't written anything in a long time. So how do I break my silence? With a very short post about the Super Bowl. My prediction: highest scoring SB ever. Colts 56, Saints 45. MVP: Pierre Garcon. Every player in UMiami history will be arrested for spousal abuse before the night is through. I will eat crawfish etouffee and be disappointed because I didn't know what I was doing when I made it. Peyton Manning and Drew Brees will play better than anyone ever but Garcon will score some amazing TD in the last minutes to seal the game and raise millions more for Haiti. The End

Dream Recap

2009-12-23T10:06:00.000-08:00

So, Georgetown basketball is in a precarious position and the college football is in its bowl cycle leaving me with nothing to hang onto except the NFL (I haven't even really started watching the NBA yet this year), which is why I'll break from the sports death grip to describe a dream I just had. That's right, laugh-O's going hippie for a moment. It really isn't much of a story, either. My brother, Mark, had just gotten in a car wreck in Florida and moved out to L.A. along with other brothers, Tom and Dave. The 4 of us are living in a nice apartment in Los Feliz, apparently, while I am working and going to school at Santa Monica College which, conveniently, is located on Vermont Ave in Los Feliz. One day, as I'm going home from work/school to make it to (x) function with my brothers, I see a car crash has taken place and then I notice my brother Tom being driven away in my sister (Cathy)'s car with a dog in the backseat. I make my way through the crowd and find out Mark's car is totalled and being towed away. Dave is still sitting in the passenger seat and there are three more dogs in the backseat. The car is on the tow truck's flat bed, which is still raised for some reason, so that it is tilting almost perpindicular to the ground. Mark tells me the story of the wreck: some car that I don't see driven by an unknown guy ran into Mark's car from behind, forcing Mark to run into the car ahead of him. Also, one of the puppies in the back of the car is a Great Dane. One of the tow truck operators has a dog from the same litter but I am the only one that finds this fact interesting. His co-worker looks annoyed at him for even bringing it up and my brother doesn't think anything of it. By the way, the co-tow truck operator looks just like this FedEx guy named O'Shea. As I walk away from the accident scene some girl that is supposed to be Whitney from "The City" is walking across the street. She looks more like a busted Anna Kournikova, with really bad skin. That is all.

NFL Holiday Season

2009-12-19T00:54:00.000-08:00

SAT, DEC 19
Dallas at New Orleans - Dallas is terrible in December, which is the kind of shallow analysis I try to avoid but which is also my deciding factor in this game, so I'm taking the Saints to keep up with the Colts. There are a lot of reasons to think the Saints luck will run out but none of them are named Tony Romo. I sort of expect him to throw at least 3 ints this week. And the Cowboys refuse to commit to the run so Barber & Jones will only combine for 15 or so rushes. The Saints should have some luck on deep passes. I say that as an intentional understatement but it helps me to clear my head and pick the Saints by 30.
SUN, DEC 20
New England at Buffalo - This will be an absolutely terrible game and the Buffalo will lose to make it worse.
Arizona at Detroit - Whoever plays QB for the Cards will have a fairly easy time of things back there. Beanie Wells should romp, too, but I don't know what to ever expect when Arizona runs the ball. Stafford should be able to continue his generic pattern of big yards and lots of turnovers.
Miami at Tennessee - Awesome game. Should be fun to watch. Ricky Williams might get shut down for the most part but I am more doubtful on the outcome of this game than any other game this week. I hope the Titans make the playoffs but I'm much more concerned about the continued crazy yardage numbers of Chris Johnson. I would like to see him get to 2,000 yds.
Cleveland at Kansas City - I'll unfortunately arrive in Kansas City on Monday. I would like to walk up to the box office on gameday and get a couple of suites for under $100.
Houston at St. Louis - This is either the upset of the week or Houston wins by 40. There can be no compromise. I hope it's the latter.
Atlanta at NY Jets - I go so far out of my way to avoid picking the Jets that it really makes me question my motivation. The answer I keep coming up with is that it puts some joy in my heart to see any New York team suck.
San Francisco at Philadelphia - I just hope this is a good game. I kind of like and hate both teams simultaneously. McNabb rules and I wish Philly would like him more. Does he have personal problems that bother the populace? I don't know but people need to leave that shit alone if that's what it boils down to.
Oakland at Denver - Denver will get a nice big win here. Can the Broncos still miss the playoffs? If they can do that then this game might be tight. Otherwise I'm picking them by 10.
Cincinnati at San Diego - Doesn't matter.
Tampa Bay at Seattle - Could conceivably end up watching this game. I want this rookie QB to pan out for the Bucs.
Chicago at Baltimore - This is a terrible game, also, but I do have an allegiance to uphold.
Green Bay at Pittsburgh - Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Minnesota at Carolina - Good chance for Adrian Peterson to break out. Also a good time for Brett Favre to start throwing some playoff ints.
MON, DEC 21
NY Giants at Washington - Upset alert!

Pre-Preview NFL (just 1 game)

2009-12-17T14:59:00.000-08:00

Indianapolis at Jacksonville - I want so much for the Saints and Colts to play each other at 18-0 that I can't think straight. This is an obvious trap game for the Colts and should be a good test for their defensive legitimacy. I doubt the new regime is any different than the old regime, though, so they're going to start pulling starters for various non-injury "injuries." As far as these two teams go? Colts have a much better roster. Manning should eat up the Jags the way he eats up everybody else. Other than that, who cares? He's enough to win all by himself and it would take more than a few twists in logic to choose anybody over Brees or Manning as MVP this year. Sorry, C.J., you're awesome but you didn't beat the Colts.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The Laugh-O Comedy Corporation regrets any confusion by the earlier posting of this article as it contained no purpole highlight denoting the author's expectations as to the final outcome of tonight's football contest between the Indianapolis Colts and the Jacksonville Jaguars. That writer has been fired and will be replaced by a happy chimp in a costume. You like that, right, fair readers? And my way of addressing you personally in the prior sentence harkens back to all young people's love for Voltaire's Candide, does it not? The full selection of professional football contests slated for action this weekend will be prognosticated upon in the coming 24 hours.

Bowl Predictor/Final Heisman Thoughts

2009-12-12T17:33:00.000-08:00

I am being admonished by my readership to convert to Judaism. My grandfather on my mother's side would be aghast at the suggestion however since he left that shit back in Latvia so that he could come to America and become a German. Onward and upward bitches, Happy Chanukah! So, now I will take my white sheet out of my mouth and get down to college football prognosticatin'.

First things first is this Heisman Trophy nonsense. I will go on record as saying that Colt McCoy deserves no part of this awards season. He has been blessed by his program but he is an average QB with a noodle arm. Ndamukong Suh is the best player in the country but he is not even half as good as he looked against Texas. Get rid of the fucking ball quicker, McCoy, you're fucking terrible! I would love to see Tebow or Suh win but I feel like Richardson will get it based more on hype than anything he has done on the field. He's a good back but the Emmitt Smith comparisons are out of hand (his teammate, Trent Richardson, is actually a "graduate" of the same high school as Emmitt - P'Cola, motherfuckers! Escambia, motherfuckers! but enough of tha repreez'nt'in). Case Keenum was the most consistently awesome player in the country but his team handed out 84 scholarships for offensive players and then remembered that they had to play defense, too, only there was only 1 more scholarship available so they had to go ahead and use nothing but punters and placekickers as linebackers and defensive linemen. At least that's the impression I got from watching them. Toby Gerhart would be a fair Heisman winner. I think there are a couple of better choices but watched enough of Stanford this year to buy into his hype a little bit. He got them into a good position that I don't think Andy Luck could have gotten them into all by himself. Luck is going to be great next year (so will Owusu) but he makes just enough bad reads that this year could have been a disaster for Stanford if they didn't have Touchdown Tommy II back there to carry the ball 30 times/game. Kellen Moore is in a similar spot to Colt McCoy. He's a good player (understand that I don't really think McCoy sucks except in the context of the Heisman Trophy) but he only belongs in a Heisman discussion with Gino Torreta, Troy Smith and Eric Crouch as his main competition. It's the Ken Dorsey Zone and Ken Dorsey never won the award (rightly so, excepting that he lost to Eric Crouch one year because nobody voting on the awards that season noticed that Miami actually had the top 10 best players in the country all on their roster, starting with Ed Reed at #1).

So my vote for the Heisman would have gone to Suh at the end of the year, Case Keenum in second place and Tommy Verdell, Jr. placing third. I think there are five votes, though, and I would give a vote apiece to Jimmy Clausen and Ryan Mathews. Mathews is my favorite player in football but he missed time and it fucked things up. He will become a star in the league and so will Keenum. I don't know how much I trust any of the other offensive finalists. Obviously, Suh is the choice to go #1 right now but some jackass team will probably trade up and take a shitty QB (perhaps Jimmy Clausen) to go #1, fucking up the franchise and the kid's career all in one fell swoop. Clausen can be great but he needs to come along slowly at the next level. Bowl Predictor!:

Thursday, January 7
No. 2 Texas vs. No. 1 Alabama*
CITI BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
I think I might give up football for a while if Texas wins it all again. I've only now gotten used to the notion that Vince Young should have won the Heisman over Reggie Bush and I don't think my fragile heart can take the notion that Colt McCoy really is as good as it gets in college football right now. I would be fine to (once again) accept the notion that Mark Ingram, Jr. deserves his pub. I don't think he does and I don't think he is any better than the 5th best player on his own roster but I like him and he is good, at least.

Wednesday, January 6
Central Michigan vs. Troy*
GMAC BOWL
LeFlour, Leflah, Eshkoshkah! His name is actually LeFevre but I wanted to make a Boot Camp reference and I can't find a way to fit in another song/album/group name. I don't actually have an expectation of who will win this game. Some people I went to high school with went to Troy State back before it was a I-A school and before they dropped the "State" from the name.

Tuesday, January 5
No. 10 Iowa vs. No. 9 Georgia Tech*
FedEx ORANGE BOWL
I've watched Iowa suck in the Rose Bowl before but I don't usually pay attention to them at all except to root for their unbeaten season to come crashing down around their seeming lack of talent. Ga Tech has some good players to complement the absolute worst QB in the country, including the most obvious talent at WR that I've seen this year. They've also got a good RB. We'll see how things go for them next year when they don't have their top RB or their top WR and they still have to play against a Miami team that looked 3 times as fast as them and a Va Tech team that will be much better. I hate and love the triple option at the same time. It sucks because teams lose to it now just because they haven't played against it before but it is the same offense that Paul Johnson used to make Navy respectable again and it reminds me of the way college football used to be. Maybe Syracuse and Nebraska should go back to the option offenses that won them so many games in the 90s.

Monday, January 4
No. 6 Boise State vs. No. 4 TCU*
TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL
You know this game pisses me off to no end. These two teams should be playing against other schools to show that they belong in the big money bowls, instead they will beat each other up in what is probably going to be the most awesome game of the bowl season only nobody will watch it and nobody will see how rad college football has become on the margins. Boise is more fun than any team in any major conference and it is not even a little bit close. TCU is unbelievably boring but good God do they do everything right. My conscience tells me TCU could hang with anybody in the country but my heart is with Boise to atone last year's bowl loss.

Saturday, January 2
Michigan State vs. Texas Tech*
VALERO ALAMO BOWL
Texas Tech should run through Sparty because, as I have mentioned before, Michigan State has no heart at all. The problem lies in the inherently weird scenario of taking a month off between games.

Arkansas vs. East Carolina*
AutoZone LIBERTY BOWL
Ryan Mallett is this year's Mark Sanchez. He'll come out, get drafted early, seem like a good pick for a while and then sink into Bolivian and turn out to be a secret bust. Or he could go the Jeff George rout and play well enough to be a star but somehow alienate everybody he has ever played with and end up trying to hang on but not understanding that nobody wants to ever see him again, football be damned. East Carolina is pretty good this year but I haven't actually watched them at all so I don't know why.

No. 19 Oklahoma State vs. Mississippi*
AT&T COTTON BOWL
This is an interesting matchup. I haven't understood at all why either of these teams would have gotten a single vote to be in the top 10 of the polls, let alone enough aggregate votes to pull off a top 10 ranking. They're both very middle of the pack in two very good conferences. I don't know how they match up to each other but I do have the opinion that nobody from the Big XII is as good as their ranking. Ole Miss is garbage, too, but they didn't lose to Southern Miss. Okie State did lose (and badly) to Houston.

South Carolina vs. Connecticut*
PAPAJOHNS.com BOWL
I am sad to think so lowly of Steve Spurriers 'Cock team but he hasn't done a very good job there. In comparison, maybe Lou Holtz was a better coach than Spurrier? Spurrier should have retired after the Redskins debacle or come back to Florida. UConn is my pity pick because of the murder and also because I like Randy Edsall for not becoming Notre Dame's new coach. Take that Cincinnati!

South Florida vs. Northern Illinois*
INTERNATIONAL BOWL
I don't know what the International Bowl is, I don't know who is on the Northen Illinois roster and I don't know why there are 46 bowl games (or whatever the actual number is) but I do know this: USF has two legitimate NFL prospects playing at DE for them and that should be enough to win a shitty bowl game like this even if they are a team of wilting flowers who get frozen any time the temperature drops below 68 degrees.

Friday, January 1
No. 5 Florida vs. No. 3 Cincinnati*
ALLSTATE SUGAR BOWL
You know? I would have chosen Cincy if Brian Kelly had stayed put. Now that he's gone and the interim coach is handling things I think Florida has to take this seriously and make it into the 1991 Cotton Bowl. Taunting and late hit penalties included. For those of you that are unaware, the 1991 Cotton Bowl is the game that made me a real college football fan because it solidified my then nebulous allegiance to the University of Miami Hurricanes. They came in as 3 point underdogs to the Texas Longhorns and came out 46-3 victors with 202 yards in penalties (mostly taunting and unsportsmanlike conduct penalties) and a concrete rep as the bad boys of college football. Here we are 19 years later and The U is still portrayed that way despite a grad rate over 90 for the last 15 years. So Florida has a lot to live up to here for me. Go Gators!

No. 8 Ohio State vs. No. 7 Oregon*
ROSE BOWL GAME PRESENTED BY CITI
I've got some faith in the Pac 10 this year. I'm a little bit biased because I live squarely in Pac 10 country but I'm also not the biggest fan of the Pac 10's schools. My fanhood was already formed by the time I moved to L.A. I like Oregon because they play a good scheme on offense and they have a ton of ahtleticism. They also have two awesome RBs. Ohio State has an overrated QB and some really good linemen on both sides of the ball. Ohio State infuriates me every year by hanging around the Top 10 (if not Top3) and then getting humiliated in the bowls except for one bullshit win over Miami to ruin a 34 game winning streak. Fuck all Buckeyes in perpetuity for that one.

No. 13 Penn State vs. No. 12 LSU*
CAPITAL ONE BOWL
Penn State is soft. LSU has no offense at all. Something's got to give! I think JoePa might go soft now that Bowden is retiring. Wtf else does he have to shoot for? LSU has talent (they always do, even when they sucked in the 90s) and they usually bomb their opponents in the bowl games (see their destruction of Miami a couple years back). Fuck you, Matt Mauck.

No. 16 West Virginia vs. Florida State*
KONICA MINOLTA GATOR BOWL
I think Ponder is still out for this one but I'm only picking FSU as a favor to my long dead pops. He played football for the 'Noles and this is Bobby Bowden's last game as coach. He started at FSU before I was born and he was at West Va before that. I'm leery of this pick because I think West Fucking Virginia! is the better team but somebody's gotta take a payoff to make sure Bowden goes out a winner, don't they? It only seems right.

Northwestern vs. Auburn*
OUTBACK BOWL
I'm trying to not pick all the SEC teams but it's hard. I am severely biased.

Thursday, December 31
No. 11 Virginia Tech vs. Tennessee*
Chick-fil-A BOWL
Okay, here's one! I hope Va Tech knows not to try and pass the ball on Tennessee. Eric Berry could single-handedly destroy them and I think Frank Beamer is smart enough to know that. The Hokies are a running team to begin with so it shouldn't be a problem. I still believe the Kiffins will get the program turned around in Knoxville but I've never been a UT fan. Montario Hardesty is another secretly brittle Tennessee back who should have a bright future but will never make it because of injuries. Look out for him in this game.

Minnesota vs. Iowa State*
INSIGHT BOWL
Whew! Somebody's got to win. Thank god we don't have a playoff and bowls like this exist. WTF???

Navy vs. Missouri*
TEXAS BOWL
Go Middies!!!

Oklahoma vs. No. 21 Stanford*
BRUT SUN BOWL
Toby Gerhart will see a lot of legit NFL talent playing on defense in this game. I don't know how he will handle it but this will go a long way in determining if he is a first rounder or a fullback in the league. Gerald McCoy is looking top 10 right now and Oklahoma might actually have the top 3 RBs in this game. I'm not super sure about that. Gerhart might even get swamped in this game and still be a good pro but his perception will be shifted one direction or the other going into the draft season. My instincts tell me he's a fullback and the Sooners have A LOT to prove in this one. Big Game Bob should finally have his team ready to play in a bowl again.

Houston vs. Air Force*
BELL HELICOPTER ARMED FORCES BOWL
Another big-time draft indicator here. If Keenum can pull his normal 500+ yds, 5 td performance against Air Force's D he's basically ready to come out. I think he should but I also think his stock could use a little bump. He's slightly short for the league but he's taller than Drew Brees. I think Brees is a great comp for him, really. If he destroys Air Force I won't just be a nutcase singing to himself on the 'netzzz. He should be a 1st rounder but Brees wasn't and neither was Brady.

Wednesday, December 30
No. 20 Arizona vs. No. 22 Nebraska*
PACIFIC LIFE HOLIDAY BOWL
You think there are draft implications here? You're wrong. The only thing that can affect Suh at this point would be an injury. Other than that he's fucking golden. If he doesn't go #1 it's simply because of team needs (or he's asking for too much money). I'd love to see him go to the Raiders so they could have him and Richard Seymour. Arizona is another team that seems to be pretty good this year but I don't understand why.

Bowling Green vs. Idaho*
ROADY'S HUMANITARIAN BOWL
Let's go, Idaho! We are getting closer to the dregs here. Bowl season is a joke.

Tuesday, December 29
No. 15 Miami (FL) vs. No. 25 Wisconsin*
CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL
I talk about dregs and here comes Miami. Whoop. The 'Canes need to win this one. Let me rephrase that. Our boy Randy Shannon needs the 'Canes to win this one. If they pass out like they did last year against Cal, I don't think he's the man to get them over the top. Especially against some Big 10 trash like Wisconsin. Is Wisconsin really trash? They are from the Big 10 but I haven't seen much of them so I don't really know. The Hurricanes are trying to set up for a National Championship next year so they need to be sharp.

Monday, December 28
Texas A&M vs. Georgia*
ADVOCARE V100 INDEPENDENCE BOWL
This actually seems like it would be an upset but I don't read the lines so I don't know if it really is or not. The Advocare V100 Independence Bowl? Wow, things are looking up for UGa. Aggies have a good QB. A really good QB. I forget his name but I watched him against Texas and he looked like a future star.

Sunday, December 27
Kentucky vs. Clemson*
GAYLORD HOTELS MUSIC CITY BOWL
Gaylord Hotels, indeed. Kentucky sucks so Spiller will disappear. Seriously, he is a big stage kind of guy. I don't know what to think of him at the next level. He might be a star in waiting or he could be a loafer. He's got the athleticism to be a total superstar but he might be so inconsistent as a player that he never gets a chance to become a starter let alone a Pro Bowler. Clemson should tear Kentucky to shreds but they might be unable to take this game seriously.

Saturday, December 26
Boston College vs. No. 24 USC*
EMERALD BOWL
If USC loses this one...

No. 17 Pittsburgh vs. North Carolina*
MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL
Dion Lewis still seems overrated to me. Butch Davis was great as a DC because he could gameplan a single player into complete ineffectiveness. We'll see if he's still got it. This is a fun matchup for the 'Canes completist. Both of these guys have been staffers at The U.

Marshall vs. Ohio*
LITTLE CAESARS BOWL
Is this a rivalry? I think these schools are pretty close. McConaughey can be very inspirational when he needs to be.

Thursday, December 24
Nevada vs. Southern Methodist*
SHERATON HAWAII BOWL
This is slick. I don't know if Hawaii fans lovetheir old coach or if they hate him for leaving. June Jones should be a hero for building their program from scratch but they are a loss now that he's gone. I think he can get SMU to the same point he had Hawaii at in fairly short order.

Wednesday, December 23
No. 23 Utah vs. California*
SAN DIEGO COUNTY CREDIT UNION POINSETTIA BOWL
I really worry about Jahvid Best. I don't know what to think here. Berkeley is always comepletely backwards from what I expect.

Tuesday, December 22
No. 18 Oregon State vs. No. 14 Brigham Young*
MAACO BOWL LAS VEGAS
I continue to pick against the Fightin' Mormons or whatever.

Sunday, December 20
Southern Miss vs. Middle Tennessee State*
R+L CARRIERS NEW ORLEANS BOWL
Sure, why not?

Saturday, December 19
UCF vs. Rutgers*
ST. PETERSBURG BOWL
I don't know what to say.

Fresno State vs. Wyoming*
NEW MEXICO BOWL
This pick is based on Ryan Mathews not being cloudy in the head. I want him to be great. I hope he come out this year and somebody is smart enough to draft him before round 3. He's got that Marshall Faulk look about him but he hasn't had any of the hype that Faulk got in college. This is a function of his lack of 300 yd games. Will he get one here? Probably not but I'll probably watch just in case.

That's all, folks! After the BCS title game I'll go back and add up my numbers. Will I write about the NFL Draft? Of course I will! It's the best part of the NFL.

NFL Action, It's Not Great!

2009-12-10T20:25:00.000-08:00

I've been lazy of late with my writing. I'm doomed to a life of failure but we'll all have to just wait and see how long of a life I have. I'm not going to look up my picks from recent weeks. I've done fairly poorly in all of this.

THU, DEC 10

Pittsburgh at Cleveland - This game is more than half over, Pittsburgh is losing by 10 and they've been horrible without Troy Polamalu. The announcers just asked, "Who's playing playoff football? Right now, it's the Cleveland Browns." This implies that the Steelers are a legitimate contender right now. I'm not sure how familiar these guys are with Pittsburgh's season so far but the correct answer is, "Neither of these two teams." I'm only writing about this game because I still think the Steelers will win. The announcers are now talking about Eric Mangini's plans for the team and saying he knows what he's doing so I'm going to assume they haven't actually watched an NFL game in about 5 years. I will move on now.

SUN, DEC 13
New Orleans at Atlanta - Atlanta is a well-coached team with a talent gap. The Redskins are actually pretty similar to the Falcons but with an owner that can't just stay in the fron office. I'm making this comparison because the Redskins should have won last week against the Saints. I love the Saints and expect them to play a little better this week but I'm willing to bet, without looking at the line, that New Orleans will fail to cover. Drew Brees and Marques Colston are the best and Jeremy Shockey is good again. Atlanta has a lot of injured people on their roster.

Green Bay at Chicago - Man, I hate that one of these two teams will probably end up in the playoffs. I look at the box scores for Packers games and usually it seems like they would be fun to watch. I've tried to watch them and it just isn't true. They're horrible to watch. The Bears seem like they should be fun to watch because Cutler is such a bastard and he's sucking but it isn't even fun to watch him suck. He does a bunch of decent stuff and then turns the ball over. It's not like watching Jamarcus Russell fling the ball all over the stadium and being able to laugh. It's just frustrating. I keep thinking, "they should run the ball more than once every 10 plays. Matt Forte hasn't looked good but he also doesn't actually get the ball enough to find a rythm unless Cutler has already given up on things. Lovie Smith should, indeed, be fired." All of that string goes through my head every time I see the Bears. The Packers will win but I might not even be able to watch the score on the bottom of the screen without falling asleep.

NY Jets at Tampa Bay - The Jets are terrible. They won last week somehow but that was a fluke and it was against Buffalo. Tampa is pretty terrible but they're trying to get better. I'm a shallow believer in the Raheem Morris program. If the Bucs are good in two years I will not be surprised. KII is my favorite player in the league right now, including Chris Johnson. The fucking soldier is the best TE in the league, numbers or no. People hate him because he seems like an asshole but he's right there with Vernon Davis and Tony Gonzalez as a pass catcher and he's actually a decent blocker, too. Vernon Davis might actually be just as good of a blocker but I'm more a fan of Winslow. Josh Freeman could become a star in the next couple of years if Tampa can find some better WRs. Too bad, too, because these guys they have are mostly pretty high picks so I don't know if I'd trust them to draft another good pass catcher. Maybe they could find a more reliable RB in the draft and trade for somebody else's good pick at WR. It worked when they traded for Keyshawn a long time ago.

Miami at Jacksonville - Miami should shred the Jaguars but the Jaguars are somehow still in the playoff hunt and there's some feature about Ricky Williams coming on soon, so that seems like a jinx. I'm going with the better team here but the NFL is a disaster once you get past the Saints and the Colts. Yeah, I'm including the Vikings in there with the rest of the league. The lesson is that nothing is a sure thing and I won't be even sort of surprised if Jacksonville wins this one. David Garrard is one of the most underrated players in the league. People really believe that QB is the problem with the Jaguars. It's not at all the problem, however, as the Jaguars have an idiot as a head coach. Jack Del Rio should be a DC but he has lasted as a head coach for too many years because the Jacksonville Jaguars are secretly plotting to move to L.A. The Dolphins need a QB badly. I've been playing a lot of Tecmo Super Bowl lately and it's fun to see all the old players that seemed like decent QB's at the time but who seem, in hindsight, to have been a horrible joke played on NFL fans. Hugh Millen existed and started for the Patriots for a time. Kelly Stouffer played in the league for years. Tony Eason and Steve Grogan both lasted for about a decade apiece. Dave Krieg threw for over 40,000 yards, I do believe. What am I trying to say? Dan Marino is one of only about 20 legitimately great quarterbacks to play in the league in my lifetime. Chad Henne is not one of the others in that group. A lot of internet mouthpieces are missing a slew of red flags around Jimmy Clausen and hyping him as a top 5 prospect. The Dolphins are probably the only team that could get any production out of Tebow but they'd be better served to pick Case Keenum and let him make a decent WR out of Ted Ginn. The Dolphins were smart to not bring in Brady Quinn but they've got to do something at QB. I've seen the light on the QB position. Peyton Manning ain't walking through that door but the Dolphins could be great quickly with a great QB. It won't help 'em this week, though, but Ricky Williams will.

Detroit at Baltimore - Boo, Ravens! Boooooooo!!!!!!!! Your defense is old and done. Also, Terrell Suggs story is looking pretty rough right now. He might drop some hush money and get it out of the news but he has taint all over him. Which can be pretty shitty. Hahahahaha! Taint!!! Detroit is a disaster even among the disastrous. Balmer will win this one easily but goddam do they suck. Play your Ravens RBs this week. Todd Heap, Joe Flacco, and the old man at split end might all be decent plays this week, too. The risk level is acceptable for any of them.

Seattle at Houston - What a game! I hope Houston rips it in this game as much as I think they will. When's the last time we had a 300-yd receiving game in the league? I don't think anyone throws deep enough anymore to do it. This should be a great oppotunity for Andre Johnson to have Flipper Andersen numbers but he won't. He'll get about 150 yds and it will seem great but I'm bored by receiving numbers. Tecmo Super Bowl has reminded me of how great it was when Stephone Paige set the record for yds in a game with, like, 6 catches or some crazy shit. The Texans offense in general looks like a safe bet to me in this game except for Jacoby Jones, who is apparently a malcontent. Matt Hasselbeck is injured or I'd say start your Seahawks, too.

Denver at Indianapolis - I hope Denver misses the playoffs again.

Buffalo at Kansas City - Awesome game. I think KC has found some team unity by killing Larry Johnson and then shipping him to Cincinnati. I like the way Chris Chambers has played for the Chiefs. I don't trust many players in this game. Neither defense is any good but both teams are already packed in for the year. Lee Evans should be a lot better than he is. Terrell Owens is in his comfort zone now - his team is wiped out - so he shouldn't drop too many passes for the rest of the season.

Cincinnati at Minnesota - Let's pick up this Minnesota discussion again. They just extended their terrible coach on the strength of a fluky good season start that is 100% due to the talent on the roster which doesn't leave a lot of room for the coach to take credit for the team's success. So that was a great move. Adrian Peterson seems to fumble 2-3 times per week, so that's a problem. Brett Favre is having a career season at the age of 40, so there's a red flag. They run the ball about 75% of the time, to the point that they wouldn't run the ball in the first half last week and just ended up giving away the game. I'm not sure if Brad Childress remembers this but I do so I'll put it down here (again): Chester Taylor should get 10-15 touches in addition to the touches that Peterson gets. This will actually make Peterson, Harvin (PERCY!!!), Rice and Favre more dangerous. But it won't happen. Favre will continue to throw too much and the Viking will lose in their first playoff game which is really fucking stupid. Cincy is a joke of a team that plays a lot of even worse teams. Their slightly sham-wow of a defense will give up way too much to the Vikings to win but not enough to expose themselves. I like it when Ced Benson gets shut down and the Vikings should be able to do that pretty well. Fuck Ced Benson and Larry Johnson. I wish Carson Palmer didn't get hurt so much because he should be on par with Bress, Brady and Peyton Manning. Chad Ochocinco is awesome as a player but he makes me feel embrrassed when I say his name so I'm just going to call him Chad Johnson from now on.

Carolina at New England - Another game that should really be a blowout but will end up a one-score pile of dogshit. Brady is "injured" so he'll go for 350 and 3 TDs. Carolina is retarded for not running the ball 50+ times per game.

Washington at Oakland - For a normal team, being in a position to beat the Saints in the last 90 seconds of a game would be something to build upon. For the Redskins it will be a cause for another meltdown. I've got to pick up my pace, the Steelers game is almost over. Play Michael Bush if you've got him. That is all.

St. Louis at Tennessee - Back to the wins for Tennessee. They got bombed by the Colts but the Colts are a real NFL team with the best QB of all time. St. Louis is weak at pretty much every position. If they can find somebody dumb enough to give them a Herschel Walker-type trade for Jackson they need to take it. Maybe they could offer him to the Cowboys? The Cowboys are willing to trade way too much for everybody and they should have actually drafted Jackson in the first place. I'd even be willing to play Vince Young in this game. C.J. is a no-brainer.

San Diego at Dallas - It's December in Dallas and Romo is taking holder duties? The new Danny White is annoying because he's such a big star with nothing backing it up. UPDATE: Browns are going to win. Ouch, the Steelers suck. RESUME: so those 17 points are why the Cowboys will finally win one in December.

Philadelphia at NY Giants - I want so badly to believe in McNabb and I hate Eli so much.

MON, DEC 14
Arizona at San Francisco - I sort of subscribe to Gregg Easterbrook's Crabtree Curse theory but I don't want to believe it so I keep picking them. Did I see Antrel Rolle getting some love this week? I loved Antrel at The U but he has disappointed me to no end in the league. Vernon Davis will have a tough time this week so Crabtree has to be the man. I think he can do it and I like Alex Smith at QB, too. The Cards are the better team almost all the way across the board. I'm not very heavily in Beanie Wells camp just yet. He should be better. Tim Hightower is garbage and the fact that Wells is now losing carries to Hightower does not bode well for Chris' future as a star. If Ryan Mathews comes out this year the Cards should draft him. They are the second best team in the NFC right now (not by record, just by seeming strength) but the Saints don't have that dynasty feel to me so the door will be open for the Cardinals to become a consistent contender if Leinart can ever get it going. Speaking of the Saints, you know who else would be awesome in Phoenix? Reggie Bush. He will never be more than a highly paid but shittier version of Eric Metcalf as long as he's in New Orleans. I'd rather see Ryan Mathews do his Marshall Faulk impression in Phoenix, though.

NFL Letdowns For The Week of December 6th

2009-12-06T02:16:00.000-08:00

Happy St. Nicholas Day, everybody! I'm done worrying about the past and history and all that bullshit. I'm here to give you what you really want: half-considered, zero-research, football comedy gold!

SUN, DEC 6
Philadelphia at Atlanta - Two teams I don't trust. Is Chris Redman playing again this week? He's got a very poor track record. I'll go with the Iggles here to start their annual acceleration past the Dallas Romos. I wish Philly fans could just get over themselves and admit McNabb is the best QB they've had since Randall Cunningham before the broken leg. Maybe Philly fans do get it and it's just atrocius reporting by the national sports media set that makes him seem under-appreciated. I don't have a clue as to who is out for this game but the birds will definitely win.
St. Louis at Chicago - Wow, this is a bad thing for the whole country. Steven Jackson should go for big yardage and I keep waiting for Matt Forte to get the ball as much as 3 times in a single drive so I can get a better read on whether he's a bad player or if the Bears play selection is just so wretched that everyone on the offense is suffering. Donnie Avery is untouchable. Bears pass catchers aren't a terrible place to look for easy points.

Detroit at Cincinnati - Matt Stafford should be shut down for the year but the Lions want to make sure they don't have a long-term investment on their hands. This should be an OK spot for points. The Bengals defense is over-rated.

Oakland at Pittsburgh - Fuck the Steelers. They look terrible without Polamalu. Zach Miller and Michale Bush are legit plays in this game.

Tennessee at Indianapolis = We won't have two 18-0 teams. I hope we do but I keep questioning the Colts. I don't trust any of them for huge numbers this week but you've got to play them all just in case. Please, let's see Chris Johnson break the 300 yd barrier soon.
Denver at Kansas City - Let's go Chiefs!
New England at Miami

New Orleans at Washington
Tampa Bay at Carolina

Houston at Jacksonville
San Diego at Cleveland

Dallas at NY Giants
San Francisco at Seattle
Minnesota at Arizona

MON, DEC 7
Baltimore at Green Bay - I'm tired and bereft of ratonal thouhjt

Championship Week Predictions

2009-12-05T08:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't written anything in the last week because I've been disheartened. Colt McCoy is going to win the Heisman and Flori/Bama is going to play Texas for the title. Very staid and boring. I've missed predicting games and I haven't done a Heisman column in two weeks now. It's getting down to it now. I don't have time to go through and check my results from last week but here are my thoughts on today's games:

No. 5 Cincinnati at No. 15 Pittsburgh - Pitt has a chance to ruin a lot of good feelings for Cincinnati and tat's what they'll do.
No. 21 Houston at East Carolina -I think Keenum is ranked 7th in the last Heisman Pundit poll, which is fitting because it's his number but stupid because he's been the most consistently awesome player in the country this year.
No. 23 West Virginia at Rutgers - West Va is certainly capable of the letdown but I think they'll prevail. Time to start the Devine Heisman '10 campaign.
Fresno State at Illinois - Juice Williams, Aurelious Benn and Zooker will never walk the sidelines for Illinois again. Don't know if Mathews is playing for Fresno State but I hope not. Concussions are the worst.
San Jose State at Louisiana Tech - Great game. Really worrying about this one. Might be cancelled for lack of interest.
New Mexico State at No. 6 Boise State - WAC title game. BSU should aim high because they could get up to #4 after this. On the blue carpet they should be good for 70.
Arizona at No. 18 USC - I didn't realize USC is #18. Wow, this is a weird season. They should be #25 if anything.
No. 1 Florida vs. No. 2 Alabama* - I'm confiding in you, nobody that reads this stuff I write, because my UF fan/friends wold all be mortified to hear it from my mouth. The Gators are going to destroy the Tide. Tebow is going to bomb them and Ingram's sham Heisman campaign will have no steam left. Bama won't be able to throw to open up rushing lanes and Nick Saban will have to wait until next year. Any voters that haven't submitted their Heisman votes yet will be really pressed on the Tebow issue. Otherwise they already voted for McCoy. It will end up close, though.
No. 19 California at Washington - Huh? Oh. Yeah, somebody will win this game. /gets out dartboard, red for UC-B, black for U-Dub...
Florida Atlantic at Florida International
No. 3 Texas vs. No. 22 Nebraska* - My onest expectation is Texas to win in a 12-0 snoozer. You know who should enjoy this game? Ndamukong Su's agent. It will make his job easier. McCoy will play like trash but win.
No. 10 Georgia Tech vs. Clemson* - Why is Ga Tech #10? They lost to Miami and Georgia. And, now, Clemson.
South Florida at Connecticut - I want both teams to win but can't trust USF in the cold.
Wisconsin at Hawaii - Go Rainbow Warriors! Are Wisconsin & Hawaii rivals now or is this the Big 10 Championship?

NCAA Football Thanksgiving Weekend Predictions

2009-11-26T05:58:00.000-08:00

I'll get back to this. Both the college and NFL predicts are forthcoming but I'm going to sleep as soon as I burn off this caffeine. Good week for me last week in the numbers game but a piss poor way to screw up the BCS. 40-11 last week, 295-129 for the year.

TUESDAY
Ball State 22, Western Michigan 17 - Did I pick this game? No, if you are reading for the first time, I did not. I hate the Tuesday games and I don't predict them. Also, it's Thursday already. So I wouldn't take credit for this even if I had an opinion to offer.

THURSDAY
No. 3 Texas at Texas A&M - There's almost no way this happens but I'm dying for the BCS to get fucked up so I'm picking against Texas here and in the Big XII title game. I can believe in the Nebraska upset but this time I'm just going through the motions. There was a time when I really thought A&M's coach was a smart guy who could turn the Packers back into Super Bowl contenders. He might prove to be a very good college coach but he is not off to a great start, being that he was an OC at the higher level and the Big XII is all offense all the time yet Texas A&M isn't even a legit contender for Top 25 status when even conference detritus like OK State can fatten up the record to look like they belong. So there's some work left to do. Realistically? Texas will win by 40. Take this pick with a ton of salt. Literally. Go eat a ton of salt.

~~There's lots left but I'm leaving these games below for later thought/lack thereof.~~ Well, here's my lack of insights for you. All of you. So many readers, how can I keep count? Almost 5 unique page views per day!

FRIDAY
Rutgers at Louisville - Starting off the weekend right! People in New Jersey and Kentucky won't even watch this.
Temple at Ohio - Bernard Pierce for Heisman! Seriously, this is one of the best players in the country and is on track to be one of the best players in the NFL Draft in a couple of years.
Illinois at No. 5 Cincinnati - Yikes. Is this a rivalry game? I would've thought UC vs. Louisvill would be the rivalry game. What if Zooker wins the game? He's got as much talent on his roster, if not more, but he is a generally terrible coach. Is UIU going to fire him or just keep going with the good recruits and horrible reults? Decisions, decisions to make, Ah-ah.
Northern Illinois at Central Michigan
Wyoming at Colorado State
Toledo at Bowling Green
Eastern Michigan at Akron
Buffalo at Kent State
No. 2 Alabama at Auburn - Just like the Texas v. Texas A&M game, I'm not really buying into this pick but mutually assured destruction is awesome.
Nebraska at Colorado - I was considering Colorado to win this one. Wouldn't it be awesome if Hawkins rallies the troops to beat Nebraska and then Nebraska goes out and beats Texas in the Big XII title game? Colorado is pretty goddam terrible, though. And I want Suh to be able to elevate his team now that I'm drinking the Kool-Aid on him being #1 overall in next year's draft.
Memphis at Tulsa
No. 9 Pittsburgh at West Virginia - West Va is a tough place to play late in the fall. Pitt is a really good team and legit top10 going in. West Va is a legit top 25 team, though, with a legit homefield advantage. This is just way 2 legit 2 quit.
Nevada at No. 6 Boise State - Nevada went bonkers, a la Boise State, last week. So this week they get to see what that was like for their opponent. Boise is incredible and the most fun team to watch in college football. Any jackass that doesn't want to see them over the other available options is a sheep or very eccentric. Or both. BSU, best team in the country this year except for maybe TCU. And I hope that's the title game we end up with even though it's damn near impossible for us to get to that point.

SATURDAY
No. 18 Clemson at South Carolina
No. 24 North Carolina at North Carolina State
Syracuse at Connecticut - Go UConn, congrats on the win last week.
Wake Forest at Duke - I'm not gonna lie. This kind of hurts me to choose Duke in anything.
No. 25 Mississippi at Mississippi State
No. 12 Oklahoma State at Oklahoma - Just to show off how fucking stupid things really are. People don't look at precedents when they are railing on about how to fix college football (it's not really broken, even though it is a monopoly, it could just be so much better) and if OK State gets into a major bowl game over Boise State that's a travesty whether the Cowboys win an exciting matchup or not. Spread that wealth or give up the sham that everyone's included. Boomer Sooner all the way.
New Mexico at No. 4 TCU - TCU will go for 70 just to stay ahead of BSU. Mark it 80, dude.
UCF at UAB
Southern Miss at East Carolina
North Texas at Arkansas State
Tulane at Southern Methodist - June Jones was a really good hire by SMU. No jokes here, I just liked him better at Hawaii.
Marshall at UTEP - Remember the Marshalls!
Florida State at No. 1 Florida - Hahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhahahahahahahahahahaha! No, not really. I don'tbuy it for a second. But if 'Bama, Florida, and Texas all lose this week then the BCS will go down in flames this year. Look for the fix to come in shortly, with the "computers" figuring out that Florida and Texas were really the best teams or somehow, some way, Georgia Tech is the best team in the land. No way Boise plays TCU under any circumstances for the national title.
No. 14 Virginia Tech at Virginia
No. 17 Miami (FL) at South Florida - This game seems to me like the worst thing in the world for Jacory Harris. He could bust for 6 INTs against the Bulls. I can't truss it but I'm still rolling with the 'Canes.
Arizona at Arizona State
Boston College at Maryland - Fear the turtle you fucking Boston-baked swine!
Missouri vs. Kansas*
Western Kentucky at Florida Atlantic
Middle Tennessee State at Louisiana-Monroe
No. 21 Utah at No. 19 Brigham Young - I don't do well with BYU predictions because I always think they're going to lose and they seldom do that.
Utah State at Idaho
Texas Tech vs. Baylor*
Washington State at Washington - Jake Locker is really athletic but is he seriously an NFL prospect? Stick to baseball, kid.
Arkansas at No. 15 LSU
Tennessee at Kentucky - Georgia is a bunch of suckers for losing so much. I don't think UTenn-Knox is going to fall for this trap. Kentucky still sucks.
Troy at Louisiana-Lafayette
Georgia at No. 7 Georgia Tech - It's rivalry week, OK? I know I'm going to put up bad numbers this week but it'll be worth it for the 1 or 2 upsets I get right.
Rice at No. 23 Houston - Case Keenum, QB, Buffalo Bills. Sounds about right. I think Jim Kelly agrees with me.
New Mexico State at San Jose State - Woof. Somehow this will turn out to be the most entertaining game of the season. Still, I don't want any part of it.
Notre Dame at Stanford - Good lord, Weis, just go away. Maybe you and Mangini can figure out a decided schematic advantage for the Browns.
San Diego State at UNLV - Marshall Faulk and Tony Gwynn vs. Tark the Shark and Randall Cunningham. I'm in San Diego right now and it's tough to concentrate on football.
UCLA at No. 20 USC
Navy at Hawaii - Is this game called the Pearl Harbor bowl or anything like that? I know they play it every year but I'm not usually able to watch it. This year won't be any different, I fear, but I do love the Middies. And they can end the year in the polls if they close out here and with Army. Navy in the Top 25 is just awesome.

Happy swine flu, everybody!

NFL B.S. For Thanksgiving

2009-11-25T19:44:00.000-08:00

It is very early on Thanksgiving and I want to at least do the games that are being played today before I drift off to the underworld of the subconscious. I was 9-6 last week, 59-38 for the year. I'll come back and add my thoughts to the Sunday games later today or tomorrow.

THU, NOV 26
Green Bay at Detroit - Hey, look at that, Detroit won again! Well, Stafford's out, Daunte's in and the Lions are still terrible. Aaron Rodgers should have 4 TDs by the time I wake up. Greg Jennings will have some of that, so will the rapey TE. Ryan Grant will go nuts. Don't trust anyone on the Lions for anything this week. GB defense is a good play but not great due to the being-on-the-road-in-a-dome thing.

Oakland at Dallas - Dallas is a poorly coached team that needs to run more often. They have 3 really good RBs but can't find the heart to give them the ball. If Tony Romo throws more than 35 passes the Cowboys will be really lucky to score more than their new standard 7 points in this game. Give Barber the ball on 1st and 2nd, get Felix Jones the ball on 3rd and every 4th or 5th play throw a pass. The Raiders D is good against the pass but not great against the run. If the Cowboys run a lot they will kill the Raiders. Otherwise they will lose and be embarrassed. At least they won't be the first NFC East team to fuck up against the Raiders this year. Play Zach Miller in this game, he's the closest to a sure thing in this one. And if you have Witten and Miller on your team? Trade Witten to an idiot and keep playing Miller as long as Gradkowski's in there. One of the Raiders backs will have a good game but I don't know which one and you don't either.

NY Giants at Denver - Enough of the Denver stories, ESPN! Nobody cares about the "fight" on the sidelines. Brandon Marshall is a dick and Knowshown Moreno is a fumblor. They both lose! But the argument doesn't mean much. Denver will win this week and there will be stories about them being back on track but then they'll still miss the playoffs again. The Giants will suck again. Kevin Boss and Brandon Jacobs will be good in this game but Brandon Marshall will be the killer. Moreno will probably be OK and that TE whose name I can't remember will be good for the Broncos, I bet. I bet nothing, by the way. It'ss a gentleman's bet. The worst kind. Don't start either QB. I'd be fine riding with the Broncos D for this week. I might put more thought into this game if I cared about who wins it. LT vs. John Elway was a fun Super Bowl, wasn't it?

SUN, NOV 29
Tampa Bay at Atlanta - I kinda like this Freeman kid. KII is one of the best TEs in the league. Derrick Ward might be pretty good numbers wise by the end of the year. I want to believe Tampa will win this game. Not that they can because obviously the Falcons aren't bulletproof. But I don't believe Tampa will win. Matty Icehouse will have a great game throwing to Tony Gonzalez. I don't know who's going to be at RB for the Falcons but they'll get some decent yardage. Roddy White will have a good game.

Miami at Buffalo - The Bills didn't fold to the rushing game last week but this week will be different. Ricky Williams will break them down. He's awesome. Me and him were born on the same day. I'm in his hometown right now watching his college team win. Ricky rules. Buffalo is playing out the string until the draft next year.

Cleveland at Cincinnati - Bengals should take advantage of this opportunity to humiliate the in-state rivals. The Browns are really fucking awful. Cincy is over-hyped and what not but they are way better than Cleveland. And it's getting to the point where every single football fan in the country wants to see Mangini get destroyed. Ced Benson should get 100 yds whether ~~he's healthy~~ he plays or not. Carson Palmer needs to get some work and this is the game to do it. Ochocinco should destroy but he's tough to figure. God, really the odds are in favor of everyone on the Bengals having a great fantasy game.

Seattle at St. Louis - Wowzers, this is a bad game. The Squawks have the talent edge at QB but the Rams have Steven Jackson. I'm sticking with the Rams and guessing Donnie Avery has one of his handful of good games for the year this week.

Carolina at NY Jets - 3-0 to 5-11, what a year of progress. Now they're re-adapting the offense to SanCHEZ's limitations. That seems really bad to me. Shouldn't this work the other way? Like, he should start off limited and then get the full playbook. But that's not happening. The Panthers are idiots and don't run the ball enough even though they only have 3 good players on offense and 2 of them are running backs. This should be a bad game to watch.

Washington at Philadelphia - Philly won't get a ton of offense this week but they will get enough to beat the Redskins. Rock Cartwright is next in line to get injured at RB for the Skins. I'd love to see Santana Moss bust out and I like Fred Davis as a receiving TE but this is dicy. Look for LeSean McCoy to do some damage. You might get some production out of the Eagles other skill players but it's not something to count on.

Indianapolis at Houston - This could be a great game. I would play anybody that's in this game. Look for some tarnish on the Colts "great" defense hype. They aren't a great defense but they're OK. Both offenses in this game are awesome. Should be way OVER if you're gambling and I haven't even looked at the lines once this year. Texans are talented and have some legitimately great players but they have no heart and can't beat anybody with resolve. The Colts are all about resolve. And, yes, Peyton Manning is the best QB of the pass interference era, just past Marino and Montana.

Kansas City at San Diego - Chiefs are suddenly looking more average than terrible. If you play in a league where nobody has picked up Chris Chambers you should feel nothing but shame if you don't win that league. Same for Jamaal Charles. Not great players but good enough to get you some points. The Chargers will put up yardage but they have some problems getting in the end zone. Which is so weird from LdT's employers but that's where he is in his career.

Jacksonville at San Francisco - Alex Smith is going to be OK. San Francisco needs to avoid the temptation to look for another signal caller. His arm has gotten stronger than it was in college. He needs to cut down the turnovers but he gets rid of the ball quickly and he's got some talent around him. MJD will rock it. Garrard is actually OK but the team owner is already pining for a new QB. Stupid. I like Michael Crabtree a lot. He's as good as he seemed like he would be two years ago.

Chicago at Minnesota - I think I get what the Vikings are doing. Save Peterson for the end of the season and get all the use they can out of Favre. Otherwise they're a bunch of idiots. Good fuck Chicago sucks. Specifically Matt Forte. Cutler might get some sort of pass for only throwing 2 INTs this week but he's not in a good place this season. Are there any WRs this year comparable to Cabtree? Maybe that kid from Georgia Tech. He's awesome. Any way, Vikings should totally trash the Bears.

Arizona at Tennessee - I think the Titans will take it over here. The Cards are more talented overall but Warner should sit this one out. The Titans D is back to normal and that's not gonna help the Cards. Chris Johnson is starting to look like Barry Sanders. And Vince Young is starting to look like he did at Texas. Tennessee is coming into the playoff picture. They're out of frame but they're jacking off in range to shoot on the Bengals. They could end up being a wild card this year after totally sucking for the first 6 weeks of the season.

Pittsburgh at Baltimore - Battle of the Disappointments. Which one has been exposed more? I like Balmer better so I'm going with the Ravens. How can anyone take their defense seriously these days? They're all in their 10th plus season, aren't they? Pittsburgh looks terrible whenever Troy Polamalu doesn't play and he's out for 6 weeks. Good bye, champs.

MON, NOV 30
New England at New Orleans - Game of the year! I'm dying to watch this and I feel like something is going to go wrong and I'll miss it. I love the way the Saints play and I like that they've finally gotten something out of Reggie Bush. Remember after their rookie season when him and Vince Young both seemed like they were going to be stars? I finally believe that again. Just now, this week. Seriously. I am a pessimist by nature and am not really expecting a Saints win but it's more than a possibility. The test here is how the Saints defense plays. Can they do their turnover thing against the Patriots? I think they can. The Patriots are not as good as they've been in the past. They're killers against terrible teams but they're over the hill. Belicek might be close to hanging it up. I hope they make the same mistake as other teams in the NFL and hire a Patriots assistant to replace him because then they'll turn into a shitty team right away. I think all sports fans outside of the Boston area can get beind that idea.

Heisman Trophy Considerations

2009-11-21T11:14:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm back to campaigning for a frontrunner this Heisman column isn't as fun. I don't even particularly like watching Tobt Gerhart but I do think he is the difference between Stanford being a legit program again and going back to the bad old days of two years ago. When they upset USC with a 40+ point line. Nowadays the line didn't even make it to 20. That's the Toby Gerhart effect. Even though he's gone after this year, the program will be fine because Andrew Luck is an awesome QB. Gerhart has allowed a cover under which Luck could develop. But it's boring watching Gerhart wear people out. He's a Ron Dayne style back (not a prediction of future/NFL prediction, I think Gerhart will be fine in the league if he goes that route), not a Marshall Faulk type. Oh, well. I'm going to add my NFL thoughts for all the candidates this week. More than usual.

1.) Toby Gerhart, RB, Stanford - He's done what Jimmy Clausen couldn't do. He's come through huge in his big moments. I like watching Stanford in spite of Gerhart but Gerhart is the obvious centerpiece of this year. 2 years from now the program will be a Top 5 fixture riding off momentum that started this year with Touchdown Tommy II. Too bad Stanford doesn't get the hyped up games because I think everyone who watches Mark Ingram and thinks, "Wow, that guy's awesome," would watch TTII and think, "Wow, this team wins almost entirely because of this guy." I call him Touchdown Tommy II and I compared him to Ron Dayne up above but I really think he's more in the mold of Brandon Jacobs. Hopefully he won't be as brittle as Jacobs is. I could see him creep into the end of the first round but he's got a second/third round look to him. The Raiders have 3 good RBs that can't stay healthy and they have way too much $ wrapped up in Run DMC to justify another high-round back but doesn't this guy just fit them somehow? I mean, he's a perfect, classic overreach for the Raiders. He's even a Bay Area star already. If he's there for their second pick, I bet the Raiders take him. And then he'll decide to pursue baseball.

2.) Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama - I guess his biggest games are ahead of him. If he can keep the Tide on the straight and narrow vs. Auburn it sets up a massive game in the SEC championship on every level. And Tebow is definitely still in the running for the award based on that game, too. I try to cancel out the noise of what I read and just focus on what I see and I always feel a little bit iffy on Ingram. The only game all year where I though he was really pulling the team along was the LSU game. This 'Bama team is the archetype of a great 'Bama team: the defense carries along the offense. It just so happens that the offense is actually good in its own right for once (at least it's for once in my lifetime). Ingram is a good player that I don't trust much in the pros to be a difference maker. He's Willis McGahee post-OSU cheapshot. Still a legit first-rounder but not a consistent All-Pro. Probably the first RB taken in the draft. Trent Richardson is like Willis McGahee from before the OSU cheapshot but he's a freshman and has gotten fewer and fewer carries as the Ingram-For-Heisman campaign has picked up speed.

3.) Tim Tebow, QB, Florida - Tebow looks a lot better as the year goes on but he is a college-only passer at this point. He's a god in the state of Florida, particularly his hometown of Jacksonville but it's a bad idea for the Jaguars to take Tebow in the first round. How did the Jaguars idiot owner put his front-office guys in a position where they are pissing off the fans by not picking Tebow in the top 10 next April? This kid is a total project. You see how Vince Young is finally an effective QB in the league now after years of bumbling? Tebow is that far away from contributing. He's similar to Vince Young in his skills and talents, maybe a little tougher mentally, definitely shorter. Tebow can be a good QB but it's a long ways off. Someone will take him way too high, maybe in the first round, but this guy belongs in the fourth round. He would fit in well with the Dolphins. I'd love to see him and Pat White running some kind of crazy 2 QB system.

4.) Case Keenum, QB, Houston - He's fallen off the face of the hype after losing last week but he's a great player and should be the top QB in the draft next year. He's got eligibility remaining but he should strike now while the iron is hot. He's wearing David Klingler's jersey # and should do what Klingler failed to do: leave early. People will tell him to finish his education but he can afford to do that later. Great arm, great makeup, good decision-making, decent mobility, spectacular footwork. His only weakness is a tendency to hold onto the ball too long but that can be corrected. Take the money and run, Case. Should be a top 5 pick but a lot of that depends on team evaluations. I like him better than Sam Bradford (too skinny and fragile) and Ryan Mallet (great arm but he's terrible underneath, don't be surprised if he starts getting compared to Jeff George and Jamarcus Russell by agents that don't rep him, a.k.a. "ESPN sources"). Colt McCoy is a joke as an NFL prospect, Jevan Snead is a terrible decision-maker and Jimmy Clausen is not ready for the league yet.

5.) Bernard Pierce, RB, Temple - My favorite freshman in the country. I put him on the list over Ryan Mathews because I think Ryan Mathews will sit out the last two games of the season. I hope Ryan Mathews sits out. He shouldn't be in there getting beaten up. Pierce is a freshman and, thus, two years from being draft eligible. When he is eligible he will probably be a much bigger name nationally than he is right now. This is a frenchise type back in the making. Great size, good speed, amazing playmaker. He's as good right now as Mark Ingram. Temple is on the verge of the Top 25 and that has never come close to happening since I can remember. It's hard to project from this far out but I wouldn't be surprised if this guy ends up going #1 overall someday. Out of this ridiculously stacked freshman class of RBs I like him a lot better than Dion Lewis and Ryan Williams, a little better than Trent Richardson.

Everybody else is off the list. Ryan Mathews (RB, Fresno State) should be a second or third round steal. Don't be even a little surprised if he starts right away as a rookie. He's a junior so he could come back and hope to pick up some of the hype he should already have but I bet he gets a high grade on the NFL's scouting metric (which projects something like 55 first round picks) and he's gone. Noel Devine (RB, West Virginia) could do the same thing but he'll get an unrealistically low grade due to his size and will probably return to school. I like Devine a little more than Steve Slaton, his West Va predecessor, as a pro. Kellen Moore (QB, Boise State) is seeing some projections as a Heisman frontrunner going into next year but I don't like him much as a pro prospect. Golden Tate (WR, Notre Dame) is a mid-rounder that could produce early. I don't trust him as an early rounder but he could be great. WRs are hard to predict unless they're Randy Moss or Andre Johnson. Jimmy Clausen (QB, Notre Dame) is a first round talent who needs to mature desparately. He should come back next year and play for whoever the Irish bring in. He could use some coaching and I get the impression Charlie Weis doesn't even try to do that with him. Andy Dalton (QB, TCU) should get some love going into next season and might see some publicitiy this year if TCU wins out. He's efficient and has a strong arm. He won't come out this year but could be a first-rounder when he does come out. I didn't write about Ndamukong Suh (DT, Nebraska) or Terrence Cody (DT, Alabama) yet? Suh is an obvious top 5 pick. Could easily and without second-guessing go #1 overall. He reminds me a lot of Richard Seymour the more I watch him. He can play anywhere on the line and seems like a relatively safe pick. Mount Cody is totally one-dimensional but it is a dimension that 28 out of 32 teams in the NFL would kill for. The other teams would do something slightly less nefarious but still illegal to acquire it. Cody is a middle-of-the-line destroyer. He will go in the late first round and then become a cause celebre wherever he ends up. He's William Perry Pt. II: The Much Better Defensive Player. That's it, I've gotta make some pancakes and go to work.

NFL Week 10 Preview/Concurrent View

2009-11-19T20:44:00.000-08:00

It's too late to predict anything in the Dolphins - Panthers game. I would have, for the record, chosen the Dolphins and said Ricky Williams is going to have a big game. That didn't happen soon enough, though, so this is what you'll get. Ricky Williams just totally beasted the Panthers defense and now his yardage looks amazing. Good game, Ricky, you have the greatest birthday of all time. Great announcing, btw. Ricky Williams needs to play like he did in New Orleans? You mean back when everyone thought he was a bust? His best years came in Miami. If you've got him, I'm sure you're fine with it.

I was 10-5 on my game predictions last week, so I'm 50-32 for the year. That would be a 10-6 average season, which would get some coaches into the HOF. Even though it looks like two playoff appearances with no wins. The New Browns would take that. Purple wins and I'm not even going to take credit for the Dolphins thing so I'll just skip it entirely.

THURSDAY
Miami at Carolina - NO PICK

SUNDAY
Washington at Dallas - Dallas looked ridiculous against Green Bay. I wish I could talk to Jerry Jones about his coaching but I'm pretty sure he would just keep pretending that Wade Phillips is the playcaller. I wold tell Mr. Jones that his team is built to run and he needs to trust the running game for much longer than he did last Sunday. If you go 3 and out every drive in the first half, keep running the ball. You will pick it up eventually and you will score. Your passing offense is a bit of a sham. Having said all that, I don't think Marion Barber is a very good play this week. Ladell Betts is a great start and Fred Davis should be a good option if you need a TE. Neiter QB is a safe play. I don't know who's healthy enough to trust on the Redskins but Santana Moss has destroyed the Cowboys a few times in his career.

Cleveland at Detroit - I'm going with Detroit. They're similarly talented to the Ravens on offense and the Browns offense couldn't score consistently against high school teams. I reject Gregg Easterbrook's valuation of play calling entirely. Good play calling may not be statistically difficult but it is significant. Eric Mangini is a bad coach. If you've got anybody from either of these teams you know what to do with them. Trade Megatron now before he becomes Braylon Edwards, Pt. II: "Roy Williams, Pt. III" and is untradeable. That only applies to keeper leagues, obviously.

San Francisco at Green Bay - I don't think that game against the Cowboys was a total mirage but I don't think it's a good representation of what the Packers defense should be expected to do from here on, either. If you've got Vernon Davis, he's a great play. If you have Aaron Rodgers, Ryan Grant, Greg Jennings, or even Spence Havner, you'll be fine here. Frank Gore will get more than 16 carries and that means he will get a good amount of points. Fuck you, Cowboys.

Pittsburgh at Kansas City - I was really trying to justify picking the Chiefs but I can't do it. If they win that's awesome but don't pretend it makes sense afterwards. The Chiefs aren't particularly good at anything. Chris Chambers looked good last week but is still Chris Chambers. Bowe is out, though, so if you need a WR for this week, Chambers is as good as you'll find. Mendenhall, Wallace, Miller, Rapelisbergere, Ward and the Steelers D seem like fantastic plays for this week.

Atlanta at NY Giants - I've never though all that much of Michael Turner and the Giants were terrible before their bye. The bye week always helps, though, unless your whole team is fucked up. The Giants only real weak spot is their massively average QB. Even Kevin Boss might look like a champ this week.

New Orleans at Tampa Bay - The Saints are in that position where they might be trying too hard to stay undefeated. It's a dumb excuse to say that teams need to lose a game to get it out of their systems. The Saints should keep winning as much as they can under all circumstances. But their games will be much closer than they should be from here on out. Like this game. Remember that if they win by 100. They should have won by 200. KII is the only safe play on the Bucs. But I'd put in Carnell Williams if I had him.

Buffalo at Jacksonville - This is a perfect game for Buffalo to win. They aren't a bad team, they just play so conservatively. They should be running it 35-40 times a game while switching backs almost constantly. And they should throw deep a lot. Lee Evans is good. Make it work, coach whose name I can't remember! Of course, he's a DC so he will be a terrible offensive coach. MJD will have the same over-the-top kind of game he seems to have every week. But Buffalo will get some fake hope this week.

Indianapolis at Baltimore - Yes! This is the kind of game Indy can lose! I want a matchup of 18-0 teams in the Super Bowl but the odds are verrrrrry against it. The Ravens need to win and they will run a lot against the Colts. I bet this is way more high-scoring than whatever the O/U indicates. Play Flacco this week. Seriously.

Seattle at Minnesota - Seattle started off like they were going to win last week. That was cute. The Minnesota Vikings will forcibly gay marriage their asses this week, though. It is going to get really gay in the Target City Metrodome. Brett Favre is sure to throw lots of passes after the Vikings have the game rolled up and every single member of the Vikings roster and coaching staff will pick a member of the opposing organization and have sex with them. Gay. Real Gay. Adrian Peterson will spurt all over the field and force the Seahawks players to drink it.

Arizona at St. Louis - Arizona should have a better record. I hope they keep giving it to Beanie Wells because he's good. And the Rams aren't. Supposedly, according to an ESPN article I read earlier, Donnie Avery is a good start this week. I wouldn't be surprised if the Rams have one of their 112 yds total offense style games.

NY Jets at New England - High score of the week. Belichek was making a decent call when he went for it on 4th & 2 last week. He called the wrong play, but the underlying theory was sound. Randy Moss will score 4 of the Patriots 16 TDs this week. I wouldn't even start Thomas Jones on the Jets this week. So wait for the Ex-Titans win.

Cincinnati at Oakland - I picked up Larry Johnson hoping he would go to a team with no obvious starter at RB. Ced Benson might be on his way back to Ced Benson-land now after his injury. So LJ could be a good pickup for two weeks from now. I don't trust any of the Raiders RBs because they don't seem to have a team understanding of why any of the three is getting the ball on a given play. Look for Gradkowski to make Jamarcus Russell look like a legit NFL starter.

San Diego at Denver - The Broncos are fading and the Chargers are pretty OK. Denver's D is not great but the Chargers will not have great yardage in this game. Look for Vincent Jackson to suck again this week against Champ Bailey because Vincent Jackson isn't really great. Antonio Gates is awesome, and he'll be the best player in this game.

Philadelphia at Chicago - Philly is inconsistent but the Bears aren't good enough to make that matter. McNabb will not be super-awesome this week but he'll be good. LeSean McCoy is just as good as Brian Westbrook, which is why it's really dumb that Westbrook was playing when he got another concussion last week. Look for a Flipper Anderson style breakout game from DeSean Jackson. Fuck the Bears.
MON, NOV 23
Tennessee at Houston - I like the Titans to keep it going. Especially CJ. Watch this game if you want to see the all-time record for yds rushing in a game get challenged. If you play in a league that gives you points for KR yards you have to pick up Jacoby Jones. He is maybe the 4th option on most plays but he gets some receiving yards and the Texans give up a ton of points, so he gets lots of return yards, with the off chance that he returns one for a TD. Vince Young needs to be awesome for 7 straight games at least before I'd consider starting him. Andre Johnson is my favorite WR in the league and he should be more or less healthy this week. Still, Titans are more legit as a good team than they were as a fluky bad team.

College Football Week 12 Forecast (Sat., Nov 21st)

2009-11-19T09:23:00.000-08:00

I was pretty terrible with my picks last week. 32 correct, 27 incorrect (255-118 on the year). That's a bad record for college football. I'm white, so it would be good enough to get me through 5 years at Notre Dame but after that? I wonder if Bob Stoops can really resurrect that program. It's iffy. I really hate all the commentators who bring up the stringent academic requirements at Notre Dame being an impediment to recruiting. What does that mean? Do Notre Dame players have a higher mean SAT than Stanford players? Because I could swear that I've seen Stanford beat USC twice in the last 3 years, once as a 41-point underdog. So did the stringent academic standards keep Notre Dame from going after Jim Harbaugh as their head coach? It's not like football players on any major programs recruiting list are held to the same standards as regular students. You might have the few freakish athletes that are also abnormally intelligent (the best I can think of for football is Robert Smith, who starred at Ohio State after The Cure broke up for the first time, but I'm sure there are lots of others) but, for the mostpart, these programs are all recruiting from the same pool of players. I have never read a feature or rumors page that had a top recruit choosing Florida over Notre Dame because the classes at ND are too hard. You can say anything you want to about party schools but you know where the party is for the football team? Anywhere in town when they win. So Notre Dame is more likely losing recruits to losing than they are too high academic standards. And if you want to pull graduation rates into this discussion (Texas, Florida and Oklahoma are abysmal in this regard) then, please, have the balls to point out that Miami has a higher grad rate than Notre Dame. Bet Miami gets back into the Top5 before Notre Dame, too.

I've been watching this stuff all year, I swear. Last week I wiped out on an overdose of trying to find a spot for Boise State in the National Championship game. If college football had a real playoff (32 team+ field) I would put BSU in my final 4. On the other hand, I blew the Stanford USC prediction last week and it seems really obvious in hindsight, doesn't it? I kind of expected Miami to lot to UNC-Chapel Hill and I said so in the column last week. It still hurts. My fave Heisman contenders both stumbled last week. Ryan Mathews got hurt and Case Keenum lost. No trophies heading their ways after all. Keenum should take comfort in the fact that he's probably going to end up the top QB in next year's draft. His game has the least holes of any of the top prospects. Maybe Mathews proved his worth even more through injury than he would have by playing. Whatever it was that fucked up my record, TCU ground my whole thesis into dirt to begin with by shattering Utah (most impressive win of the year so far by ANYBODY, by the way). Enough looking back, lets slap some purple color on my winners and be off! I'll try to get the NFL thing done before halftime tonight but I make no promises. I'm trying out highlighting instead of changing the font color but I end up with weird patterns because there is no choice for "no highlight" just a choice to highlight in white.

WEDNESDAY - I totally missed these games. I'm so used to the Tuesday and Sunday games I forgot all about the silent but present idiocy of Wednesday night football.
Buffalo 42, Miami (OH) 17
Central Michigan 35, Ball State 3

THURSDAY
Colorado at No. 12 Oklahoma State - I had considered a Colorado win here but then I thought about it.

FRIDAY
Akron at Bowling Green
Eastern Michigan at Toledo
No. 6 Boise State at Utah State

SATURDAY
No. 10 Ohio State at Michigan
Minnesota at No. 13 Iowa
Duke at No. 20 Miami (FL) - Miami needs this game, which is embarrassing.
Maryland at Florida State - Whatever shit-sucker bowl FSU gets for winning is beneath the program and the invitation should be rejected.
Louisville at South Florida
North Carolina at Boston College
Chattanooga at No. 2 Alabama
Mississippi State at Arkansas
Florida International at No. 1 Florida
Oklahoma at Texas Tech - At least these two teams are about equal in their relation to each other as they were expected to be in the preseason. Oklahoma is really weird because they have great players all over the field and they all get hurt semi-regularly.
Memphis at No. 24 Houston - They stunk it up last week against a terrible UCF team but Keenum is still the best QB in college football.
Kent State at Temple - Bernard Pierce! Takes over for Ryan Mathews as the best RB in college football that nobody cares about. Temple could end the year in the Top 25. That should earn the Freshman of the Year a few Heisman votes but people that vote for things like that just watch football coverage, not games.
No. 4 TCU at Wyoming - OK, I get it, TCU, you bunch of assholes. You're really good. That's great.
Iowa State at Missouri
Northern Illinois at Ohio
Tulane at UCF - UCF beat Houston last week so they might be on a roll or whatever it is you call it when a bottom-feeder in CUSA beats a good CUSA team and then plays another bottom feeder the next week.
Connecticut at Notre Dame - Just keep doing what you're doing, Coach Weis.
No. 8 LSU at Mississippi - LSU won't get a BCS bowl, anyway, so they might as well lose now.
No. 14 Penn State at Michigan State - I though about it.
North Carolina State at No. 15 Virginia Tech
No. 16 Wisconsin at Northwestern
Air Force at No. 22 Brigham Young
Virginia at No. 23 Clemson - Clemson should win by 50, which means Spiller won't do anything this week. He'll play for 1 quarter.
Purdue at Indiana
UAB at East Carolina
Rutgers at Syracuse
UTEP at Rice
Baylor at Texas A&M
San Diego State at No. 21 Utah
Arizona State at UCLA
Army at North Texas - Army just barely beat VMI last week. North Texas just fired their coach, didn't they? It's the no-research zone up in this blog so I don't know for sure.
Florida Atlantic at Troy
Southern Methodist at Marshall
Arkansas State at Middle Tennessee State
No. 19 Oregon State at Washington State
Louisiana Tech at Fresno State - No Mathews = No Win.
Colorado State at New Mexico - I'm sure this is a heated rivalry or something.
Louisiana-Monroe at Louisiana-Lafayette - Game of the week!!!!!!!!!!!
Vanderbilt at Tennessee
No. 25 California at No. 17 Stanford - I haven't checked but I hope to God that Jahvid Best is not playing again this year.
Tulsa at Southern Miss
Kentucky at Georgia - If Georgia can beat Ga Tech then all is forgiven. Mark Richt should still bolt for FSU when the chance arises.
Kansas State at Nebraska
Kansas at No. 3 Texas
No. 11 Oregon at Arizona - Arizona makes me fall asleep when I see them so I might have been missing some things with them. I think Oregon's got a lot of players who are better than anybody on the Arizona roster.
Hawaii at San Jose State
Nevada at New Mexico State

Heisman for Sunday

2009-11-15T12:52:00.000-08:00

Ryan Mathews got hurt, Case Keenum lost and didn't look as great as normal (still, he's a legit #1 overall if the team drafting wants a QB). Toby Gerhart looked just the same against USC as he did against Oregon. He destroyed USC and now Stanford is ranked. I think he's #1 right now. I might not even be alone in this. He scores tons of TDs and he's carrying his team. Mark Ingram is awesome and he was the difference against LSU but in most games you could take your pick between 4 guys as to who was the team leader (and I usually take Mount Cody). Touchdown Tommy II is the obvious difference every week for the Cardinal. I'm not voting but I get the impression I'm not alone in my "anybody but McCoy" mentality. That guy looks like what I think of when I hear the term "system QB" used as an insult. McCoy is a good college QB who plays on a great team. If Case Keenum were playing in that system this year, Texas would have scored 100 pts in at least 2 games. Tim Tebow is a college-only great player. In spite of what Fran Tarkenton might think, mechanics matter a lot. The thing about throwing mechanics, as it applies to Tim Tebow, is that he winds up to throw the ball. He will get hit a lot and he will telegraph too many passes to succeed in the NFL if he plays like this. I get the impression that he is capable of fixing his issues bur he is a project. I don't have any idea who is a good QB coach for him but he needs someone good. But I digress, this is a college football discussion. I wouldn't vote for Tebow if I had a Heisman vote but Jesus is a worhwhile candidate. Florida's skill players are undisciplined and the Gators would probably be a 3-loss team without Tim Tebow. Here is my flash analysis new top 5:

1.) Toby Gerhart, RB, Stanford
2.) Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama
3.) Case Keenum, QB, Houston
4.) Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska
5.) Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State

Heisman Gangbang For the second Saturday in November

2009-11-13T18:52:00.000-08:00

Ryan Mathews is still #1 in my mind and in my heart but I doubt the jerkwads who vote for the Heisman will see it my way at all. I've got a fast riser on the list but I doubt he will make it through the weekend intact. Jimmy Clausen is gone. Thank you Navy for aligning my conscience and my intellect. These are my imaginary votes for the Heisman up until this point in the season. If I could vote for the awards, this would be my ballot. And then there are some others considered at the end. I am crunched for time and will not have links to stats/profiles for the players so just bear with me. I might come back later and add links but probably not.

1.) Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State - Easily the best running back in the country based on performance. Pretty much the most entertaining player as well. I don't have any criteria for "best" that trumps those two. If you have to go to a sports bar to watch this guy play you should do it. Mark Ingram is pretty good, too, but this is the fucking show right here. Does he play weak competition? Sure, a little bit weak. But his best game of the year was against Boise State. They're pretty good. And he destroyed them with 3 runs of over 60 yds in the same game. CSUF lost but that's not even close to Mathews' fault. This guy is The REAL Jesus of college football (TRJ for short).

2.) Case Keenum, QB, Houston - I'm almost as much in the bag for this guy as I am for Mathews. That game last week was awesome and Keenum definitely kept hope alive. That and the guy who dropped the onside kick at the end. Case Keenum was still the guy that put UH in position to win on the last second FG. If you haven't seen Keenum play and you still hold onto the antiquated notion that Houston runs a run & shoot and their QBs can't hack it in the league, fuck you. Watch him play and try to give logical reasons as to why Colt McCoy's weak arm and questionable decisions are more deserving of a Heisman vote. Houston is fun to watch so do it.

3.) Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama - I give up. I watched him trucking defenders against UT-Knoxville and it clicked for me. OK, Ingram winning the Heisman is perfectly legitimate. Now I'm thawing on my stance that he doesn't deserve it because he isn't the best player on his team. I like Richardson long-term a lot better but this guy is really fucking good. Shaun Alexander good but with a much better team around him. Why am I selling Mount Cody down the river like this? I'm not, he's #4.

4.) Terrence Cody, DL, Alabama - This guy might be a bust in the NFL but I'd be surprised. First of all, he won't get drafted as highly as his rep would make it seem. Second of all, being a big fatass with good quickness is pretty much what you need to play D-Line. Third, he's reaaaaaalllllllllly fat. He reminds me of Sam Adams, which is good. Sam Adams played in the NFL starting in 1776 and just retired a year or two ago.

5.) Toby Gerhart, RB, Stanford - Good show, Touchdown Tommy II, you destroyed Oregon. Chris Owusu is awesome and Andy Luck frees up a lot for Gerhart but it was Toby chucking Oregon defenders all over the place and scoring over and over and over. I am a little bit hesitant to put him higher because I have a bad feeling about what USC's defense will do tomorrow but if the season were over now, Toby would get a vote from me.

Tim Tebow, QB, Florida - He's got the opps to move up and the whole season for the Gators actually hinges on the SEC championship so I wouldn't really mind if Tebow ends up winning the thing even though he's bored me all year and can't throw the ball without shotputting it.

Bernard Pierce, RB, Temple - He deserves consideration but I don't think he's better than the other guys I've written up here. He could move up. Wait til next year, you will hear of him.

NFL Week 10 - Trying To Heed The Curve

2009-11-12T09:10:00.000-08:00

It's week 10 in the NFL and that means Thursday night football! Wait. It does? Why? How long has this been going on? Well, it ruins my already problematic rhythm of doing Heisman writing on Thursday and NFL on Friday. But I might have messed that up in the past, too. This is no research just opinion idiocy brought to you by the Comedy Corporation. Funny, right? No. The correct answer was, "no."

Last week was a rough stretch here at laugh-o. 7-6 is the kind of result that gets one fired and replaced by air. 40-27 on the year is looking more like Charlie Weis' head coaching resume. Is it time to cave in and start writing about basketball? No, it's not. I haven't really been watching the early NBA action and my interest in college basketball is wholly centered around the won-lost record of the Georgetown Hoyas. I'm determined to have more good weeks of picking games starting right now. This is, like, so serious. Here have them, the purple team is the winner.

THU, NOV 12
Chicago at San Francisco - Enough of this curse business from Gregg Easterbrook. Crabtree and Alex Smith both need a win. These are two teams that both seem to be sinking except that the 49ers play well every week and just lose. Maybe they'll give up and start getting blown out, maybe they'll keep fighting. I think Crabtree, Gore, Vernon Davis and the 49ers D are pretty good plays in this game. Alex Smith might be OK but I don't trust him yet. Jay Cutler can only be helpful in fantasy football but you'll never be an NFL GM so that should be good enough for you. I have a fantasy team with its fortunes tied to Matt Forte's production. If you can avoid this situation, do so at all costs. Apparently Ced Benson wasn't the problem for all those years in Chicago.

~~I am posting this with no write-ups just so I can be ahead of the game tonight. I'll come back and edit later.~~
EDITED!!!!!

SUN, NOV 15
New Orleans at St. Louis - How much advice do you need here? OK, how about this, Rams goddamn awful receivers are untrustworthy in even blowout conditions and Marc Bulger seems likely to throw a ton of interceptions. Steven Jackson should have some value because he's the best receiver on the team and he might break a big TD because that's always possible with him. If you have anybody on your fantasy team that wears the Saints uniform you should know to start them pretty much every week, especially against a bottom-feeder like the Rams. I'm going to guess the final as somewhere near 50-21, Saints win.

Tampa Bay at Miami - Tampa won last week and the rookie QB looks a little better than the 2nd year QB that the Bucs have been trotting out. They put up some points and I'm thinking that Derrick Ward might be a decent play. Sammie Stroughter might see some yardage, too. But the last time I thought the Bucs had a shot they put up 56 yds of offense for the whole game.

Detroit at Minnesota - See the Rams write-up. Adrian Peterson could see 200 yds in one half. It might be worth it to play Chester Taylor in this one. It's really bad. I think Megatron is still out. Matt Stafford is OK as a rookie. Any good performances on Detroit are a mistake. Vikings by 39.

Jacksonville at NY Jets - I don't like either of these teams. The Jets are a terrible team masquerading as a below average team. MJD is great and David Garrard will be OK. I'd stay away from Sims-Walker, though. Darrelle Revis is the real deal even if the rest of his team isn't. Thomas Jones should be good for yards. One of the Jets pass catchers will be good in this one but I don't know for sure which one it will be. Maybe Dustin Keller?

Buffalo at Tennessee - Don't play anyone on the Bills until further notice. Titans have Chris Johnson, at least. Good enough for 3 in a row!

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh - I don't think one of these teams is necessarily better than the other but I do think Ced Benson will have a horrible game this week. I've been wrong all year about that but I've just got a feeling, you know? Both QB's and both WR corps should be good plays. I'm a strong advocate for Rashard Mendenhall.

Denver at Washington - The Redskins are already at the bottom. Ladell Betts will be fine in this game. Brandon Marshall is a good bet to score the only TD in this game. Should be a loser for fantasy offenses but both defenses should be OK.

Atlanta at Carolina - Play every RB and Matty Ice in this game. Roddy Smith isn't hurt, is he? I don't remember. He might be. I might have invented that. Keep an eye on it. Tony Gonzalez is still an automatic start.

Kansas City at Oakland - Dwayne Bowe, Zack Miller, and Huggy Bear Jr. are the only possible plays in this game. DHB is coming around but Jamarcus Russell is not. I'd consider either defense if my regular D were on a bye. Should be low-scoring and full of turnovers.

Seattle at Arizona - The third in a series of terrible matchups for Super Bowl contenders. Don't think it's a good idea to play any Seahawks for the rest of the year but particularly here. Play every Cardinal, even Hightower. 634-8, final score. You heard it here first.

Dallas at Green Bay - You know? I'm a believer in the Cowboys offense for this game. Lots of yards, good amount of points. Play Romo, Austin, Witten, Barber and maybe Felix Jones. Aaron Rodgers and the starting WRs for Green Bay are worth a start, too. Don't fuck with these defenses, though, they're both kind of crappy.

Philadelphia at San Diego - I'm going with the home team but I'm not totally sure of this. Both QBs should be strong and I like LeSean McCoy a lot, DeSean Jackson is awesome, and Darren Sproles is a pretty steady performer. For my own selfish purposes I want Vincent Jackson to go off and from my perspective it seems more than possible. This game will be pretty high scoring.

New England at Indianapolis - NFL refs will never allow it but I want the Colts to win by at least 20. I don't know that anyone beyond the obvious big names is a very good play in this one.

MON, NOV 16
Baltimore at Cleveland - Brady Quinn, welcome back! 3 INTs seems like a reasonable goal. But he might throw for more, let's not undersell him. Ray Rice, Willis McGahee, Todd Heap and Whacko Flacco are guaranteed to score 3 TDs apiece. Wait, maybe my math is wrong. Would that be possible if the team only scores 105? Maybe put Cribbs in your lineup if you get points for return yards. Unless he's hurt. Then you probably are better off getting your points someplace else.

Stay drunk and don't drive in school!

College Football Week 11 - BCS Bukkake!

2009-11-11T19:54:00.000-08:00

I have a dream of what this season can become. It's a convoluted dream filled with destruction and hypocrites. I'm sure that even if every game result that I want to happen in the top 10 of the BCS between now and the time that the bowls begin I still would not get the result I want. Because I've figured out how Boise State can play in the BCS title game. It involves a lot of upsets on rivalry weekend. And everything needs to turn out right this week for it to even have a possibility of happening. Please god read what I write in the coming weeks. Please. I need validation.

I went 37-16 last week. Right about my normal range. I got Navy over Notre Dame but I honestly would have picked that way whether I believed it or not. I couldn't quite countenance the Stanford win but I was aware of Stanford's talent (I still like Owusu better than Touchdown Tommy II but I can't deny Gerhart his place in the Heisman race for this week). My worst misses were picking Wyoming over BYU (52-0 the wrong way. And by the wrong way I mean it the same way Sublime did. Which is up the ass) and I picked SDSU to upset TCU. I didn't watch the game but I think TCU actually just spotted SDSU their 12 points then the Horned Frogs went out and scored 55 points in 13 minutes and they called it a game. Something like that anyway. I'm at 223-98 for the year. I feel OK with that standing. The drill is, as always, the team written in purple is my predicted winner.

TUESDAY

Ohio 27, Buffalo 24 - never ever ever ever ever ever ever will I pick the Tuesday game. Well, shit, it's already Wednesday, right?

WEDNESDAY
Toledo at Central Michigan - This game might have already happened. I don't know and I don't care all that much. It's funny if I got it wrong.

THURSDAY
Bowling Green at Miami (OH) - Well, my whole premise in picking games is that I do no research so I can't look this up. I think these teams have combined for 2 wins this year. It will become 3 by the end of this game!

Ball State at Northern Illinois - I can't remember everything.

No. 24 South Florida at Rutgers - USF fucks up every time they look like they're on a roll. They'll probably beat Miami.

FRIDAY
No. 25 West Virginia at No. 5 Cincinnati - This is an important part of my plan. I actually think the Big East is fairly strong from top-to-bottom so I don't think this is UC's last chance to fail. But this is the best chance they have. West Va has been awful on offense lately and Cincinnati is one of the best defensive teams in the country. I don't care. I need this for my dream scenario.
Temple at Akron - Bernard Pierce! I saw Temple got a few votes in one of the polls this week. Also, I've discovered that they are in the MAC in football. What the fuck? Can't some other A10 schools put together football programs and have an A10 conference in football? It would be easier, I suppose, if the NCAA adopted my plan to have a single D-I for football (similar to basketball) and a season-ending tournament to crown a champion (similar to every other division of football other than D-IA and, also, every other team sport on the planet). I want Pierce to light it up and get Temple into the top 25.

SATURDAY
No. 3 Texas at Baylor - OK, my plan is not really this dumb. I'm hoping for the 'Horns to lose the Big XII title game but I will keep picking against them for as long as I must.

No. 7 Georgia Tech at Duke - Georgia Tech is a fraud, aren't they? I don't believe a team could get wiped out by this year's Miami team the way these guys did without being a bad team. Miami is a good team this year, a slightly fringe top 20 (just wait and see - I hope I'm wrong), with one major asset. They're really fast. They aren't disciplined and they don't really play as a team all the time.

No. 15 Houston at UCF - Keenum needs to keep putting up 500 yds/week to really have a shot at a Heisman. He wears Klingler's number so maybe he can go for 11 tds this week.
Indiana at No. 18 Penn State - Wouldn't be shocked by an Indiana win. Slightly surprised would be the more apt phrase.

Michigan at No. 20 Wisconsin - Why would anything in the Big 10 make sense? All 11 teams in the Big 10 suck. That's why they combine to only equal 10.
Syracuse at Louisville - Holy shit. This is a disaster.
South Dakota State at Minnesota
Tennessee at Mississippi - Jevan Snead has been terrible all season and this will be his worst game yet.
Clemson at North Carolina State - NC State is a shitty team and Clemson is on a roll. The ACC is just as bad as the Big 10.

Florida State at Wake Forest - I want to believe.
Virginia Military Institute at Army - Hmmm. Of all the IA vs. IAA games that could be played, this is one of the few that makes sense.

Northwestern at Illinois - Wowzers. I'm familiar with the work of the Zooker so I can't pick any team he coaches.
Michigan State at Purdue

Kentucky at Vanderbilt
Missouri at Kansas State - I don't trust K-State yet but Bill Snyder's moving them in the right direction.

No. 21 Virginia Tech at Maryland - Why are the Hokies still ranked?
UAB at Memphis
Western Michigan at Eastern Michigan - ?????
No. 22 Brigham Young at New Mexico - Whatever, BYU. Whatever.
Colorado at Iowa State - Oh, Dan Hawkins, how bad have you made the WAC look?

San Jose State at Utah State
UTEP at Southern Methodist - You know, these two coaches probably shouldn't be at these two schools. Wazzou can still take Price back, can't they? I don't know the story there. If the fans and regents aren't too mad at him it seems like it's worth a try. What could go wrong? Is Washington State going to somehow lose all their games even more?

No. 1 Florida at South Carolina - Florida can actually afford a loss and still make the BCS title game but that game has to be during the next two weeks.
Idaho at No. 6 Boise State - Boise State obviously needs to win every game if they are going to even finish top 5.

Stanford at No. 9 USC - I don't trust the Stanford momentum. Really, if last week's game were in Oregon it wouldn't have even been a Stanford win. USC, on the other hand, could probably lose to Washington State at this point and it would be slightly surprising but also only drop them to #15.

No. 10 Iowa at No. 11 Ohio State - I'd like to see Iowa finish 8-4. They seem like an 8-4 team from a middling conference.

No. 14 Miami (FL) at North Carolina - I don't really believe Miami will win this game. I don't like to say that. I want Miami to win this game by 60. Probably more than any other game all year I want Miami to win by a huge amount.
Washington at No. 23 Oregon State - Jacquizz Rodgers won't win the Heisman. He has even lost his hype in the Pac 10.

Tulane at Rice
Boston College at Virginia - Hahahahahahahah! I'm kidding but whatever. I'm not picking against UVa.

Nebraska at Kansas - Nebraska beat Oklahoma last week and has a legitimate claim to the best single player in college football. But they're also a horrible train wreck on offense and can find ways to give up points and lose no matter what Suh does.

Delaware at Navy - Uh, go Middies. I guess. I hate the 12 game schedule so much.

Arkansas State at Florida Atlantic
Western Kentucky at Louisiana-Monroe
Fresno State at Nevada - Mathews, listen to me. You can't get the credit you deserve without at least 1 game of over 300 yds. The more the merrier, in fact. Don't take plays off and steal the ball from the QB if he drops back to pass. You're in the huddle with him so you should know when it's coming. If it take 70 carries to get the yards you need? So be it. Make it fucking happen. I'm sick of having nobody I know even realize you exist.
Louisiana-Lafayette at Middle Tennessee State
Southern Miss at Marshall
UCLA at Washington State - You might get the impression I'm trying to lose 30 games this week. You might be right. Like a fox.

UNLV at Air Force
No. 2 Alabama at Mississippi State - Alabama needs to lose before the SEC title game and lose the SEC title game in order to have Boise play in the BCS title game. 'Bama will roll the Mississippi State Bulldogs but they might lose the Iron Bowl. Auburn's not that bad and the Iron Bowl is their only big game left. Including whatever shitty bowl game they go and lose. The Iron Bowl is awesome. I'd watch it even if both teams were 1-10 coming in, because they will still play a great game just so they don't have to listen to some drunken rednecks tell them for the rest of their lives that they suck. Even if the only bad game they ever played was against Alabama/Auburn.
Louisiana Tech at No. 8 LSU
Auburn at Georgia - I said all that stuff about the Iron Bowl so now I feel compelled to take Auburn. Realistically I think the biggest difference between these two teams is where the game is played.
Texas A&M at Oklahoma - Big Game Bob. Whoo.

North Texas at Florida International
No. 16 Utah at No. 4 TCU - This needs to happen. My dream scenario is impossible if TCU keeps winning. Utah is a totally legit team so this can happen even though TCU has looked inde-fucking-structable the last couple of weeks.
Troy at Arkansas
Notre Dame at No. 12 Pittsburgh - Good night, sweetheart, now it's time to go...

Texas Tech at No. 19 Oklahoma State - Final score prediction: 24-23. Yep, that's not very high at all.
Wyoming at San Diego State
New Mexico State at Hawaii
Arizona State at No. 13 Oregon
No. 17 Arizona at California - Berkeley is only happy when it rains. They're only happy when it's complicated.

SUNDAY
East Carolina at Tulsa - This is just such a stupid trend that I can't handle it. The NCAA is a bunch of fucking jerkass idiots. That is all.

Have some fun with this if you read it. Predict my record for the week! That should be fun for you if you've made it this far.

NFL Week 9 Preview / Fantasy Ruminations

2009-11-07T16:20:00.000-08:00

Okey, I don't deserve the benefit of the doubt for being so far behind on my self-imposed assignments. I'm writing a script but that's not why I'm late. I'm behind the 8-ball because I am exhausted by work. But I'll do better next week. I'm watching college ball while I write this and my mind might wander a bit. Like, for instance, Trent Richardson is a total badass at running back for U. Alabama and deserves more carries. I went 10-3 last week, which a lot of people probably did because there was only 1 legitimate upset. I'm 33-21 for the year, which would be fine picking against the spread but I'm just guessing the winners. Maybe I'm improving at this. I don't re-check my fantasy advice so I couldn't tell you how I'm doing on that front. Here's this week's garbage, purple teams are the winners. Hope you enjoy it all:

SUNDAY
Washington at Atlanta - Washington seems really horrible now that I think about it. I'm playing Fred Davis at TE and I'd give Santana Moss a shot, too. Clinton Portis? Maybe if you have a bye-week starter or Matt Forte on your squad. Atlanta defense seems like a good play but I would probably not start Matt Ryan. Only maybe on Roddy White. I think if you have Michael Turner you probably have to play him but I'd be surprised if he has a second good game in a row. Tony Gonzalez is still a top 5 TE and you probably don't have anybody better than him on your team.
Arizona at Chicago - I like Beanie Wells better as a Cardinals RB than I liked him at Ohio State. He doesn't get enough carries but he's good. I would play all the Cards WRs this week and I bet Kurt Warner is worthy of a start, too. Jay Cutler will throw some INTs this week and Matt Forte is apparently awful.
Baltimore at Cincinnati - Bengals will now commence shocking everyone by how bad they suck. Carson Palmer is good, Ced Benson has finally become what he was supposed to be coming out of UT-Austin. Ochocinco is an asshole for changing his name but he's a good WR and a start-every-week kind of guy again. I don't like any matchups in this game particularly.
Houston at Indianapolis - I hope the score is 74-53 at the end. Owen Daniels is out so maybe now Jacoby Jones will get some catches. Everybody other than Daniels and Steve Slaton will do just fine in this game. If you have Colts, play them. All of them.
Miami at New England - New England has looked great lately. New England is an old team. They shouldn't be able to be great for more than a couple of weeks all season. You know the drill with New England.
Green Bay at Tampa Bay - Tampa Bay is awful but even they will get sacks here. Don't play any Bucs players ever. Aaron Rodgers and Ryan Grant stick out to me as fantasy stars in this game.
Kansas City at Jacksonville - Jamaal Charles is not a good RB. Don't kid yourself. MJD might go for 350 yds and 7 TDs against the Chiefs. Mike Sims-Walker will ligjt it up, too.
Carolina at New Orleans - New Orleans will stay undefeated and Pierre Tomas will have his biggest game of the year.
Detroit at Seattle - The battle of the injured network non-stars. The Lions might need MegaTron to win. But I'm guessing this makes the crap cellar a little more full. Welcome, Seattle!

Tennessee at San Francisco - The inverse of my little game with the Iowa Hawkeyes. I picked Tennessee until they won a game and now I sort of believe in them, too. Chris Johnson will not do anything like he did last week but he'll be OK. Vince Young is a terrible fantasy QB but he is better for the Titans than Kerry Collins. Frank Gore will go berserk. Alex Smith is a good backup at QB. Vernon Davis will keep having good games and Michael Crabtree might score this week. Somehow San Francisco will lose.
San Diego at NY Giants - I remember telling everyone that Phillip Rivers is the best QB in the draft before Eli Manning went overall #1. Yep, I'm sticking with that. Brandon Jacobs will be a good play this week but Eli will keep turning the ball over. And all the big names in the Chargers passing game will have the same game they have every week. But the Chargers RBs won't be so great this week.
Dallas at Philadelphia - McNabb will throw for more yds than Romo. McCoy will have the highest rushing total of any RB in this game. DeSean Jackson should have some huge yardage. I don't think much of the Cowboys coaches but it sometimes works out in the NFL that the players rise above horrible coaching to play well. Don't be surprised when Miles Austin has a crappy game.

MONDAY
Pittsburgh at Denver - I dislike both of these teams. I think Pittsburgh throws too much when they get into trouble. They should run the ball 45 times a game but they don't. Denver is a mirage but they have some nice players. Brandon Marshall will be a good play in this game, Mendenhall will be good. Everything else is open to interpretation.

Heisman Land

2009-11-07T08:20:00.000-08:00

I've got 5 minutes to write this so it won't be in depth or insightful. Here's my Top 5 for the Heisman. MY top 5. They aren't the guys I think will win but the guys I think should win.

1.) Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State - If you have watched him play and don't agree with me then fuck you, you're an asshole. If you haven't seen him play and you object because of his team/conference then fuck you even more because you are an even bigger asshole. This guy is Marshall Faulk (who also should have won) reborn.

2.) Case Keenum, QB, Houston - Best QB I've seen this year. Plays a jackass schedule, as well, but it's ok to be a little protected. This Houston team plays an offense that is working in the NFL and the SEC so stop saying he's a system QB. He's got all the tools, as it were.

3.) Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame - Best QB I've seen this year that has actually played a decent schedule. Really don't think he should come out this year, though. He should be ready for the NFL Draft in 2011 and Out in 2014.

4.) Terrence Cody, DT, Alabama - If every offensive starter on the Crimson Tide went down to an injury, their defense would still pull them through. People who don't understand a nose tackle's job have complained that Cody hasn't "done anything" this year. Well, he's not a pass rusher. He's supposed to absorb blockers so that the edge rushers, to some degree, and the MLBs/ILBs have the space to blow up ballcarriers. Well, Cody has done well enough that Roland McClain has passed him up on the Q Ratings. B.S. Cody is the key to 'Bama winning anything memorable this year.

5.) Bernard Pierce, RB, Temple - Give him a shot, OK? Watch a Temple game. I didn't realize it until last Saturday but Temple is having their best season in like 40 years. Did they get a recruiting pipeline going to resurrect (were they ever good to begin with?) the pipeline? I don't know but this guy is a freshman so it's possible. He's moved past Noel Devine, Tim Tebow, Golden Taint, Ndamukong Suh, Eric Berry and Kellen Moore to the point where I'm disappointed that I missed a Temple game on Thursday.

College Football Week 10 (First Weekend of November)

2009-11-05T20:10:00.000-08:00

Last week I had problems getting my paragraph breaks to show correctly. I went overboard on the top 25 upsets and then there weren't very many. I went 36-17 (186-82 overall) and missed picking the Minnesota-Mich State game entirely. Good, since I think that represents the way I felt about that game. I'm trying to work quickly because I'm a day and a half later than I want to write this article. I can't help it, I started a job on Monday and I'm overwhelmed by the idea of working again. The Thursday games have already started and I might be "predicting" game outcomes that have already been decided by the time this posts. I am trying hard to ignore the scores. So I have to just let it fly. Purple always wins on this site. No research!

TUESDAY

Bowling Green 30, Buffalo 29 - Nope. Not a prediction.

THURSDAY
No. 23 Virginia Tech at East Carolina - Wow. New blogger controls. Wow.
Miami (OH) at Temple - Maybe I am missing it right now and my new football hero is the new Heisman frontrunner.
Eastern Michigan at Northern Illinois - Huh? Well, Michael Turner's pretty good and he went to NIU.

FRIDAY
No. 7 Boise State at Louisiana Tech - Boise can look bad for losing but can't impress anyone with a win. Nobody will schedule them for the years to come, either. They're like FSU was in the early 80s. Except that it's almost illegal to be an independent now.

SATURDAY
UCF at No. 2 Texas - This would be the best upset in a long time if UCF wins. It would also be historically significant in the world of football.
Northwestern at No. 4 Iowa - It's only far-fetched if you've never watched Iowa.
Syracuse at No. 13 Pittsburgh - Poor Paulus. Syracuse fans hate him. He'll be OK if he makes the league.
Virginia at No. 17 Miami (FL) - UM is not much more talented than UVa. So Al Groh should be gone by now.
No. 21 Wisconsin at Indiana - Make up call!
Western Michigan at Michigan State -Wow, Sparty. You should be better.
Purdue at Michigan - What now? Both of these teams stopped playing football a few weeks ago. Maybe they will both be better?
Illinois at Minnesota - These were the Big 10 (+1) Conference teams of the week last week. You have to understand this means the conference is terrible.
Louisville at West Virginia - Noel Devine won't win the Heisman. West Virginia won't play in a good bowl game. Kraggy's gotta die.
South Carolina at Arkansas
Kansas at Kansas State
Tennessee Tech at Georgia - People are worried about Brandon Spikes but nobody cares that this is happening.
Eastern Kentucky at Kentucky
Maryland at North Carolina State
Furman at Auburn
Texas A&M at Colorado - Sherman's going bowling isn't he?
Florida Atlantic at UAB
Baylor at Missouri
Brigham Young at Wyoming
Navy at No. 22 Notre Dame - It's not far-fetched anymore. Go Middies!
Rice at Southern Methodist
No. 9 LSU at No. 3 Alabama - LSU could win it. I'm interested to see where they would be in the rankings after a win here.
No. 8 Oregon at Stanford - Stanford can keep it closer than Oregon's last game.
Wake Forest at No. 10 Georgia Tech
No. 16 Ohio State at No. 11 Penn State
Washington State at No. 18 Arizona - Could the Pac-10 trade Wazzou for Boise State?
No. 19 Oklahoma State at Iowa State
Washington at UCLA
Duke at North Carolina
Army at Air Force
Kent State at Akron
Louisiana-Lafayette at Arkansas State
UTEP at Tulane
No. 6 TCU at San Diego State
Louisiana-Monroe at North Texas
Florida International at Middle Tennessee State
Troy at Western Kentucky
New Mexico at No. 14 Utah
Oregon State at No. 20 California
Memphis at Tennessee
Vanderbilt at No. 1 Florida
No. 15 Houston at Tulsa
Northern Arizona at Mississippi - Hey, Ole Miss can win this one!
Florida State at Clemson - If C.J. Spiller didn't lose last week to sportsmanship this game could win him a Heisman trophy. FSU has all the same weaknesses as Miami.
Connecticut at No. 5 Cincinnati -God I want these UConn kids to win. But UC is good. That should make a difference.
No. 12 USC at Arizona State - How awesome would it be if ASU could pull this off? Dennis Erickson is like a crappy, carpet-bagging version of Pete Carroll.
No. 24 Oklahoma at Nebraska - 2 top 5 draft picks in this game. They're both DTs.
Colorado State at UNLV
Utah State at Hawaii
Fresno State at Idaho - Come on Mathews, you need massive numbers!

SUNDAY
Nevada at San Jose State - WTF is up with this Sunday CFB bullshit? This is even more annoying and a bigger money loser than the Tuesday/Wednesday fuck you to academia games.

My New Favorite College Football Player

2009-10-31T19:03:00.000-07:00

Wow. I had no idea Temple actually recruited legitimate football players. I actually thought that when John Chaney left the basketball program that maybe they would just drop sports from the university. Instead they have this freshman running back named Bernard Pierce who, despite the competition, just replaced Ryan Mathews as my new favorite back. This kid is nuts. I hope he does this well against other teams because he single-handedly beat Navy. That sucks but he looks better to me than the other big-name freshman backs (excepting Trent Richardson). I'm going to start pumping this kid for Heisman.

NFL Week 8 Preview/Fantasy Thoughts

2009-10-30T16:24:00.000-07:00

More bye-weeks means fewer wins for the Comedy Corporation. 7-6 last week and I'm at 23-18. That would be a fine record for an NFL head coach. Depending on the success rate of the previous coaching regime in your organization you might even be hailed as a genius. In terms of prognostication, however, 23-18 means you're probably hemorrhaging money, depending on how you are placing your bets. You're a loser. Deal with that. I'm getting sick of losing in football and job-hunting so regularly. I'm a decent guy, right? Good lord I should be writing my assignments that pay instead of this thing. Well, I want to be good at sportswriting and I want to be interesting/entertaining so I'll keep plodding down this path a while. I meant to write an NBA preview issue of Comedy Corp. but I've always felt basketball season doesn't count until January anyway, so I've got time. Somehow the Blake Griffin injury really bothers me.

I don't have much to offer in terms of terrible entertainment news/reactions/predictions so I'll leave that aspect alone this week. My over-arching fantasy themes for the week are: a) at what point does Miles Austin fail completely, b) is the Jamaal Charles gravy train really off and rolling, and c) how much "arm" does Alex Smith really have? Let's get on with it then. Purple always wins:

SUN, NOV 1
Houston at Buffalo - Houston is the better team, with the better coach and an actually discernible scheme. Steve Slaton will go bonkers this week. Marshawn Lynch will make some advancements, as well. Look for Lee Evans and perhaps Roscoe Parrish or the newly forgettable Fred Jackson to end up with better numbers than they should because Houston still has a defense that is willing to get burned. Matt Schaub seems like a dome guy to me. There is no research allowed in my predictions so I can't cross-check this but I'm expecting Houston's passing game to have bigger problems this week than even an Andre Johnson injury will justify. Owen Daniels will be OK but I'm not counting on anyone else involved in throwing the ball or catching the ball for the Titans.

Cleveland at Chicago - Cleveland coaches are starting to reprimand Cleveland fans. It always worries me when a team's players or coaches start worrying about the fans. It means the team, or at least that individual, is cracking up from the inside. And Cleveland is starting from a precarious place to begin with. The coaching staff on hand has done a poor job of preparing their players for the games they are going to play and Brady Quinn's career is probably irreparably harmed. I'm fine with that because I've never had any faith in him to begin with but a good organization should have gotten Eli Manning level production out of him (their physical skills and mental make-ups, from what I can tell watching them on TV, are similar). The Browns have turned him into an Andre Ware style has-been that never got a legitimate chance. I don't expect a Jim Plunkett style career re-birth/awakening. Brady's got money for life and will just ride off into the sunset. This game? Both coaches will be fired by the time next season rolls around but Lovie Smith is at least safe until next week. The Browns might as well cut their losses now. Mangini is a terrible fit for them. Well, let's give him a draft and see if he has a plan but I'm going to make a bold proclamation based on what I saw from him in New York (hubris) and what I've seen so far from him in Cleveland (even more hubris splayed on top of a flaming train wreck): Mangini has no idea what the fuck is good for a team as a whole. He is too busy jerking off to his own image in the mirror. He's got great tits, I'll give him that, but a man who is drawn in by tits alone is going to sleep with some very ugly women or turn out to be gay. Tits are window dressing and one needs to examine the full picture before making an assessment. Give Cutler a shot this week. His TDs should outnumber his turnovers and he'll get some yardage for you, at the very least. Jonny Knox and, um, the Bears other... receiver... Dammit, who's good on the Bears again? Matt Forte is a shit-bomb but this might be a good week for him. His lack of talent overwhelms my expectations for a good game even here. Greg Olsen might get some numbers for you. He went to Miami so he's a pretty good tight end. Watch Forte get hurt and Garrett Wolfe go the fuck off. That would be classic. If that happens avoid the urge to pick up Garrett Wolfe. He's an even bigger piece of shit RB than Matt Forte.

Seattle at Dallas - You know what? Julius Jones will probably be alright here. The Seahawks shouldn't throw a lot or they will get ambushed. The Cowboys are vulnerable to big plays but you have to be able to soften them up. If Jim Mora (a somewhat stupid coach) has paid attention to the Cowboys defense he will run 40 times and take the 250 yds of passing that are available to his team pending 30 or fewer pass attempts. I'm guessing Seattle will throw 40 times and paradoxically short-circuit Matt Hasselbeck's fantasy value in this game by exposing him to 10-15 hits and several turnovers. The Cowboys are a mystery to me. Romo should be fine and Witten is a safe play at TE. The kicker will be OK as far as kickers go (is it still Nick Folk there?) and one of the running backs will score a TD or two. But everything is a roulette with them. If Romo locks onto Miles Austin this game will go down in flames. Austin could get some big plays but Dallas should do the same thing that the Seahawks should do: run the ball a lot.

St. Louis at Detroit - I think St. Louis wins by way of attrition. Actually, the Rams stats do not match their talent on offense so this is a good chance at a correction for them. I'm going out on a limb and predicting decent to good numbers for Danny Amendola and Donnie Avery. Each one shocks me at how piss-poor their production has been so far but here is a great chance to even things out. Steven Jackson will rock it this week. Kevin Smith will do some good things for the Lions but I'm still unsure of MegaTron's health and the QB position for the Lions is a joke for now. I would like to add that I'm not a staunch believer in Matt Stafford's long-term potential. Mark Bulger might be good for one good fantasy game this year. If so, this is going to be that one.

Denver at Baltimore - Uh, ummm, hmmm, ah, I want Baltimore to win. I sort of root for them and the Saints in the same way. Meaning I'd like them more if I perhaps lived in an area conducive to being a fan of theirs but I am in an area that doesn't entirely believe that either team actually exists. Baltimore's defense is falling apart due to age and coaching changes. The Broncos are congealing quite well so far this year. They are the Patriots Lite. I don't like the NFL because I don't feel the product delivered is consistently entertaining or even of high value on its own terms. Meaning, the NFL plays the worst brand of football available to the American public. The production values are high but I now understand how much a basketball fan from the 70's must have felt watching the NBA bog down under its own popularity in the 90's. Football is not played fundamentally well on the NFL-level and every second of the programming is an attempt to reach out to a non-traditional audience. I'm a believer that the NBA is being saved from its own worst impulses by coaches like Mike D'Antoni that took their teams and re-instilled strong fundamentals while playing up-tempo. The NFL needs a coach that is willing to tell his defense that they need to learn to tackle again because every single player in the NFL is constantly trying to blow up his opponent rather than focusing on wrapping up the ball-carrier and stripping the ball. That's it. That's what the NFL needs. Strong, fundamentally sound defensive football. It's more entertaining when the game is played well and truly talented players rise above the level of everyone else. There are very few players in the league today that make plays consistently. Adrian Peterson is god right now because he plays football well and he is strong and he is fast. You know who else is consistently awesome? Brandon Marshall. Look, the guy's an asshole who probably could justifiably spend some time in prison but the only positive contribution he can make to society as a whole right now is to play football in an entertaining way. Get it? I was getting around to this game in particular but needed to make that point here because the Baltimore Ravens defense is embodying for me right now what has gone wrong in the NFL. They get caught up in their own hype and forget how to tackle and end up giving up a big day to Cedric Benson. I firmly believe that Ced Benson is the biggest one-season fluke in the league since Christian Okoye. The Ravens helped build up this 16-game myth and now they deserve to lose. But I am not a firm believer in the propensity of the Broncos defenders, chief amongst them Champ Bailey, to maintain their desire and technique through the rigors of a full NFL season. I'll take Brandon Marshall in this game because he is the most-talented and thoroughly sound receiver in the game today when he is on the field. He is good in every aspect on a football field. I'll take Todd Heap in this game because he is a solid threat to score in this game. Either kicker could be a good play. I am not sticking my neck out on Kyle Orton but he could have a good game. I don't buy it with Joe Flacco yet and I probably never will. All the running backs in this game are a crap shoot because neither one of these teams is going to split up the rushing duties evenly or consistently from week to week. Why would I choose the Ravens to win? Because the NFL is making it's living these days on the fluky bullshit that passes for entertaining football and I happen to like Baltimore as a city better than I like Denver. Purely out of misplaced sentimentalism.

San Francisco at Indianapolis - No, I'm not picking the Niners. Indianapolis will lose at some point this year but I'll make my guess now that it will be an outdoor game played away from home. Alex Smith should be able to continue his work with Vernon Davis to some extent this week but he should probably start making a habit of looking towards Michael Crabtree right now. Because Crabtree is the key to a sustained passing attack for this team. He is the game changer. Davis is talented and plays well but he is a fringe guy in terms of impact. In a fantasy sense. Teams don't have to take him away to beat the 49ers. Frank Gore will struggle here, I think, so Alex Smith has to find Crabtree. Indy? If you've got any Indy players, you should know the drill by now. If you're sitting Peyton Manning at this point you'd better have Phillip Rivers and/or Drew Brees on your roster because no other QB is more reliable under any circumstances than Peyton Manning. If this Manning has a bad game this year, it's a one-week fluke. You aren't here to figure out which Colts to start. There is no borderline. You trust them or you don't and you've had them all year by now.

Miami at NY Jets - The Jest beat the Raiders last week. That's nice. Chad Henne has a stronger arm than Mark SanCHEZZZ and a better supporting cast. Ricky Williams, following the pattern of distribution that the Dolphins have followed for the last couple of years, will produce 9 yds rushing and about 16 yds receiving this week. Ronnie Brown will somehow be integral to the Dolphins win and help absolutely nobody win their fantasy week. The Dolphins will shut down the Jets running game and get some turnovers. The Dolphins and the Saints are doing their part to actually keep me entertained by pro football but it's an uphill battle.

NY Giants at Philadelphia - You know who cares about this game? Everybody in New Jersey. ESPN spent 30 minutes or so telling us this last year. I trust Brandon Jacobs, LeSean McCoy and Brent Celek in this game. I would not trust anybody else unless they are my only option. For instance, if my roster included Donovan McNabb and Eli Manning on the same team, I might start Alex Smith over either one of them. He's probably available and, even though one of these guys will have a better game than him, you don't know which of these two will be the victor. Oh, yeah, Steve Smith is pretty consistent. So play him every week. If you need me to tell you that you probably have missed every football reference in this column so far.

Jacksonville at Tennessee - Oh, good lord. The Titans have to become good again on some level, don't they? This sort of thing, going from 13-3 to 0-6 used to be allowed pre-merger but I'm stunned by the Titans this year. Albert Haynesworth might have needed them and they obviously needed him. His threats to kick linemen in the face when they are lying on the ground must somehow ring hollow in the Redskins locker room. Tennessee has apparently given up on blocking this year. I'm not serious. The run blocking is there. But Kerry Collins can't get rid of the ball fast enough and I'm not counting on Vince Young to do much better. But he will help them run the ball because the perception in the league is that he's still a threat to run. This may or may not be the actual case but the threat is still there. So VY will loosen things up Johnson & Doughboy. Jacksonville has MJD, David Garrard and Mike Sims-Walker. That should really be enough to win 10 games this year. It probably is not, though, because Mike Del Rio is even more overrated and below average as a coach than he was as a linebacker. Still, if you have those 3 guys go ahead and play them. I'm siding with Tennessee because they are overdue and coming off a bye week. Other than that they probably still have amnesia when it comes to playing good defense.

Oakland at San Diego - A lot was made earlier when these two teams played about the fact that Oakland was still in the game late. Zach Miller is a threat to go wild on San Diego this week but other than that I'd be surprised if Oakland keeps it within 30 this time around. San Diego is a vastly superior team in terms of talent and they're terrible defense might actually bother to show up this week. Any Chargers on your team should be starting this week. Rivers could go for 400 yds if the coaches let him. They should because this team needs to put their foot to the throttle for the rest of the year. Norv Turner is not great with the rhythms of head coaching so I wouldn't be surprised to see a 24-0 halftime turn into a 30-17 finale. Except for the part where the Raiders score 17 points. That's always a little surprising.

Carolina at Arizona - I am praying for Arizona to give Beanie Wells 30 carries this week. I'm telling you right now, Cardinals coaches, this will result in 150 yd+ performance. Don't get nervous and start giving the ball to Hightower, he knows the schemes and all that but has no chance to be a gamebreaker (seriously, how has he not been converted to FB yet? He should be the second coming of Lorenzo Neal by now). Don't go on auto-pilot and throw 57 passes this week. It seems easy because Carolina is a bad pass-defense but don't do it. The future of your season and perhaps your franchise rests on the idea that Beanie Wells is a legitimate threat to take over a football game. We all know that Larry Fitzgerald and FSU's best QB since Charlie Ward are gamebreakers at receiver. Most of the NFL, if not all of its fans, probably realizes that Steve Breaston is the best Michigan product playing receiver in the league right now. What teams probably don't realize is that a) your line actually a good run-blocking unit and b) Matt Leinart will be just fine when Kurt Warner goes down to inevitable injury. Get the adrenaline out of Matt Leinart now so he doesn't fuck you up in a crucial situation later and get Beanie Wells a lot of work starting this week. I am not going to say the Cardinals will blow the Panthers out because I actually think more highly of the Panthers coaching staff (Jake Delhomme's oddly defensible presence as the starter notwithstanding) than the Cards staff but there is that potential in this game. Only start DeAngelo Williams and, yeah, I'm saying it, Steve Smith for the Panthers.

Minnesota at Green Bay - Favre will throw about 20 passes this week. If he throws another game winner I will puke. Brett Favre deserves no mention in the MVP debate. None. He's a final piece, not the center-piece. Is anybody reading this that can help get the word out? Remember 5 months ago when the Vikings seemed like a potential Super Bowl contender when they had Tarvaris Jackson listed as their starter? Brett Favre is an upgrade from that but so would be Brady Quinn and Jamarcus Russell. Tarvaris Jackson was drafted behind those guys and everyone that had him pegged as a 4th rounder or lower was right. The Vikings fucked up on that pick. Sidney Rice? That was justifiable. He's still no Randy Moss but he also isn't as much of an asshole as Randy Moss. Adrian Peterson deserves MVP votes. He's the guy making this offense work. A really great RB will always do that for you. I can't fathom that the Colts never won a Super Bowl with Edgerrin James and I hope AD does not suffer the same fate. The Vikings should trade for Kevin Kolb in the offseason. Aaron Rodgers is a legitimate MVP pick if the Packers end up with 11 or more wins. He's a good start this week. So are Donald Driver Greg Jennings, James Jefferson and Ryan Grant.

MON, NOV 2
Atlanta at New Orleans - Dangerous game for the Saints but I bet they come out fired up. Atlanta gave up some big plays to the Cowboys last week and the Saints play the same offense as the Cowboys but 4 years more advanced. Drew Brees is Tony Romo x3. And I count myself as a Romo defender. He needs some valium before big games but the Romo backlash is even dumber than the Romo deification was 2 years ago. He might be Danny White in the long run but Danny White was better than most people remember. And better than 90% of 1st rounders at QB. I'm taking Shockey, Colston, Pierre Thomas, and Meachem in this game. Matt Ryan is one of those guys that bothers me because I'm never sure when he will have a huge game but he's a threat every week. The Saints D has lived on turnovers more than 3 and outs so far this year. The Falcons don't turn the ball over much usually but their run game has been horrible this year. Keep Gonzalez, White and Ryan in your starting line-up but don't reach for any sleepers on this Falcons team. Not this week, at least.

Have fun, Happy Halloween and go see some scary movies this weekend. There have been some good ones this year.

Heisman Poll of One

2009-10-29T15:32:00.000-07:00

I re-discovered Heisman Pundit this week and I wish I hadn't. I don't agree with most of the stuff that's written there and my purity of thought seems compromised. I've got to clear my head to find my original voice again. While Grosse Pointe Blank is playing and I'm in real danger of losing my car because I can't make any money. I want to sell paintings, why is that so hard? I keep watching football and choking on tears. Well, get ready for sadness cause here comes a dollop of who should win the Heisman! Not at all related to who will win the trophy, this is my list of who I would vote for and then a few extras that I'd consider based entirely on games that I've watched. Let me rephrase that. I wouldn't vote for someone I never watched play but stats and game outcomes count for something, too. Even so, my favorite is a guy who plays for an unranked, 3-loss team from a "lesser" conference. Let's just go ahead and do this, okay?

1.) Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State - I'm not joking and I'm not overstating things here. This guy is the best player in the country based on his on-field performance. He's a force of nature. I see a lot of comments on Heisman Pundit that his case is reminiscent of Marshall Faulk's case. Well, I'm ok with that. Marshall Faulk probably deserved 2 Heisman trophies. The problem with Mathews is that he plays on an unhyped team in games that usually start at midnight Eastern Standard Time.

2.) Case Keenum, QB, Houston - This candidate's lack of viability bothers me more than Mathews. Keenum has a fucking great arm and looks fairly polished to me. I've seen him compared to Andre Ware and David Klingle as a "system" quarterback but isn't it more fair to compare him to a QB from the same system? I've tried to get across how much I love the run & shoot offense and my memories of Ware and Klingler probably outstrip actual performance for both of them but let's be realistic. Case Keenum is like a better version of Kevin Kolb, the QB that directly preceded him at UH. If you watched Kolb play when Donovan McNabb got hurt, you can probably take that as a complement. Keenum looks amazing when I watch him. He hits every throw and he's pretty great at avoiding pressure. His yardage numbers were lower than normal last week but his team won easily.

3.) Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame - I really would have liked it if he pulled off the upset against USC. It would've made everything else academic. He'd be the winner. He pulled them back and had them in position to win all on the strength of his arm. Then this motherfucker goes and makes three terrible reads and three terrible throws in a row to end the game. Jimmy, Jimmy, you need to come back next year because you need some polish. Especially if Notre Dame hires a really good coach this offseason. I like watching Clausen play and he's been this good but I can't put my heart behind him after he lost his composure when he needed it most.

4.) Terrence Cody, DT, Alabama - I'm keeping him on the list. I've been saying it all year. Just because he doesn't produce stats doesn't mean he's not the best player on the field 99% of the time he's out there. He plays a position that doesn't produce a lot of stats. And he does not play in a scheme like Ndamukong Suh where it's a possibility. Suh reminds me of Richard Seymour and Cody reminds me of Sam Adams. Pretty good players. I don't even know that one is over the other in NFL history and I could see the argument that Suh is more "projectable" to the league. But 'Bama's defense is better than Nebraska's and the fact that Ronaldo McClain and Javier Arenas are free to make all the plays they make, plus the fact that Alabama is a legitimate argument for #1 in the country puts Cody higher on my voting list. Blocked field goals are pretty equal.

5.) Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska - Okay, I give up. This goddamned motherfucker is the baddest fuck in the Big XII. Nobody can fuck with him. I don't want anything to do with hyping Nebraska but this dude kills. Too bad his team sucks. He should have gone somewhere else. Like Miami. Fuck this guy.

The rest of the bests:

Tim Tebow, QB, Florida - I am sick of him putting me to sleep every week. You're supposed to be the best. I want to believe it. Everyone is waiting to believe it. I don't believe it right now.

Colt McCoy, QB, Texas - Fuck you.

Ryan Williams, RB, Virginia Tech - I like him better as a player than Mark Ingram. And then Va Tech goes and shits themselves against Georgia Tech. Which leads us to...

John Dwyer, RB, Georgia Tech - Good runner disappeared against Miami and then got hurt, in that order. He does not make me want to watch.

C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson - I never know what to expect from this guy. He's good in big games and then disappears against bullshit teams. The "total yardage leader" mantle is kind of bullshit. If Ryan Mathews were returning kicks I have a feeling he could do pretty well there, too.

Noel Devine, RB, West Virginia - Why is he down here? I forgot to put him in the top 5. I would have put him 3rd and moved everyone else back accordingly if I hadn't spaced out. Devine is worth the time investment of watching a West Virginia game.

Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama - I like him. I do. But he is in a good position. He's a legit 1st rounder in the 2011 NFL Draft. His backup is a legit top 5 pick in the 2012 NFL Draft. And Julio Jones takes some pressure away from Ingram, too. Because teams have to watch Greg McElroy staring at Julio Jones all day long. Even on handoffs.

Kellen Moore, QB, Boise State - Because he leads the nation in passing efficiency? No, because he needs to be addressed again as the machine rolls around in his direction. Kellen Moore is good. He's not great. He's not irreplaceable and he doesn't belong in the discussion. But he's there.

Golden Tate, WR, Notre Dame - Again, move it along. He's good but not that good.

Demayrius Thomas, WR, Georgia Tech - Best receiver in the country. Barely registers because his team only throws about 5 times per game.

Jacory Harris, QB, Miami - Jacory, you kill me. What's up with the INT's, you little fucker? You fucked up against Clemson and you goddam well know it. Get it together or The U is going to slip again. You know what I'd rather have than your accountability? 2 more wins.

I'm cutting out right here. I'm not linking to non-contender contenders. I should have put a link on Noel Devine but I am lazy and sick of thinking about this dumb shit.